Finding My Core

Have you ever had the experience of seeing or reading something which set off a chain reaction, not just of thoughts but also emotions? Something which rings so true, with such force it changes the very nature of the way in which you view your very existence?

I am speaking to something which goes beyond a “eureka” moment to a fundamental shift in your core reality.

I happened across such a thing, what exactly is unimportant, what I have learned as a result is still ringing in my blood and I am forever changed.

The basic story plot is the main character faces an irreversible gender change from male to female. A change which goes to all the way down to the subatomic level. This person, who was biologically, mentally, and emotionally male will become female to his core. Understandably it is cause for great concern. He finds himself facing having only one last day as a man and the question is, what will he do for twenty four hours that he can only do as a man? The rest of the story follows those last hours until, at last, the change over takes him. Looking in the mirror at an unfamiliar reflection the character suddenly realizes the unexpected truth…

Nothing has changed who he was is the same as who she is.

Reading this I understood. Who we are, this core truth of ourselves, remains regardless of the outer trapping we wear.

A long time ago I had the chance to see, for a brief moment, my true core, my truth, captured in a pane of glass and it has remained in my mind ever since. Oh, I tried to forget, to accept the trappings I found myself in. I told myself I it was best if I hid the truth, buried it deep within myself and forgot. I know now I did much more; I tried to bury it so deep the weight of my fear would crush it. Kill it. Destroy it to the point it never existed and in so doing, I nearly destroyed myself.

Because I was, and am, that core. That truth.

To those who would disagree with me, let me present you with the same challenge. Imagine waking up to find your body had transformed into the opposite sex. More, everyone around you believes you have always been this way, with no memory of you as your original sex. Would you then be a different person? Would your core truth suddenly be invalid because no one else believed you? Would you doubt yourself when everyone in the world called you delusional, insane, or a liar? Would looking in the mirror to see the wrong face make you unsure? Would washing this body or going to the bathroom fill your heart with doubt?

Could you stand strong in your truth in the face of such evidence contradicting your every thought, every emotion?

Maybe you would be crushed by “reality”.

Maybe you would let all those voices drown out your own.

Maybe you would become the face in the mirror.


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