By Kira A. Moore
By Kira A. Moore
This is an article from Feb. 24, 2015.
“The simple scenario many of us learned in school is that two X chromosomes make someone female, and an X and a Y chromosome make someone male. These are simplistic ways of thinking about what is scientifically very complex. Anatomy, hormones, cells, and chromosomes (not to mention personal identity convictions) are actually not usually aligned with one binary classification.”
“Currently, doctors and health care staff lack the required education and training to give sensitive care to transgender patients. The Society for Academic Emergency Medicine (EM) has found that the vast majority of EM residency programs lack transgender-focused curricula, either in the form of lectures or didactic curriculum. Transgender individuals face worse health outcomes than their non-LGBT counterparts. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, reports that transgender people have higher rates of HIV/STDs, victimization, and poor mental health. They are also less likely to have adequate health insurance.”
Every time I have made a significant step forward it has been preceded by a period of intense doubt and fear. A time when I am sure I can go no further, my energy spent, the drive which sustained me gone.
There are bouts of depression and anxiety. Points where I lose the ability to find words to explain the pain and I withdraw further and further until I find my back is against a wall.
All I want to do is give up, give in… to disappear into the “normal world” as if I have ever had any idea of just what it is.
It is then I surprise myself.
I will see myself doing something many would think was impulsive; suddenly coming out to someone, deciding to go out in public, going full time at work. So many things which I could not see myself doing sometimes even moments before they happen.
I can’t explain it in a way which makes sense, it is almost as if there is a mental gun in my head; things build one after another, forcing the hammer back until suddenly it slams forward with a heart stopping “BANG!”
I am writing this during my last break because I won’t be able to write again until sometime later this afternoon.
The next hurtle will be clocking out for the day, there will be more employees as well as the office workers, also my shift supervisor and the department supervisor many of whom will be seeing me in person for the first time.
I’m actually less nervous about this than when I came in last night, at lest some of them have seen pictures 😛
Well, I’ve made it to first break without incident. Clocking in, no one said or did anything out of the ordinary. Of course only time will tell how well I am accepted as more people come in contact with me, but at this point things are encouraging.
One word, so simple to type yet so difficult to define when it is all which consumes your heart.
I have come a long way; to the point where I can look back and be overwhelmed by where I am this moment. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine finding myself here, when the very possibility was beyond my wildest dreams… or worst nightmares.
I thought I had set a reasonable goal of going full time this year, yet as I found out, there was still a door I needed to go through before I was ready. In the not too distant past I found myself once again wondering if I could even continue and I actually stopped for several weeks. I did all I could to not think of anything related to transitioning, still it consumed every unguarded moment and last week I knew I couldn’t hide from myself.
In so doing I took the step I have been terrified to take, have done everything to not take. I made reasons, excuses why doing so would be impossible. Paperwork, confusion… the mockery of those I work with, even the impracticality of wearing a wig at work… until I ran out of reasons, real and imagined and had nothing left but to listen to my heart.
Then I told my department head I had to go full time, including at work.
She didn’t even blink an eye and told me I need to do what I needed to do, I would have the full support of the staff and she made it clear she wouldn’t tolerate any issues with the others who work on the same shift.
I know this is more than many could hope for. It is more than I would have thought possible four years ago, yet fear still makes my stomach clinch and blood run cold…
Tonight will be the first time I will walk into the time clock room as myself. The first time many of the other third shifters will have had a chance to meet the real me …