Terrified

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Terrified…

One word, so simple to type yet so difficult to define when it is all which consumes your heart.

I have come a long way; to the point where I can look back and be overwhelmed by where I am this moment. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine finding myself here, when the very possibility was beyond my wildest dreams… or worst nightmares.

I thought I had set a reasonable goal of going full time this year, yet as I found out, there was still a door I needed to go through before I was ready. In the not too distant past I found myself once again wondering if I could even continue and I actually stopped for several weeks. I did all I could to not think of anything related to transitioning, still it consumed every unguarded moment and last week I knew I couldn’t hide from myself.

In so doing I took the step I have been terrified to take, have done everything to not take. I made reasons, excuses why doing so would be impossible. Paperwork, confusion… the mockery of those I work with, even the impracticality of wearing a wig at work… until I ran out of reasons, real and imagined and had nothing left but to listen to my heart.

Then I told my department head I had to go full time, including at work.

She didn’t even blink an eye and told me I need to do what I needed to do, I would have the full support of the staff and she made it clear she wouldn’t tolerate any issues with the others who work on the same shift.

I know this is more than many could hope for. It is more than I would have thought possible four years ago, yet fear still makes my stomach clinch and blood run cold…

Tonight will be the first time I will walk into the time clock room as myself. The first time many of the other third shifters will have had a chance to meet the real me …

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12 thoughts on “Terrified

  1. I’m a little terrified for you myself. And a WHOLE LOT excited!!!! I’m grinning from ear to ear right now, Kira. You are so awesome and brave and beautiful. ((Hugs))

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