Every time I have made a significant step forward it has been preceded by a period of intense doubt and fear. A time when I am sure I can go no further, my energy spent, the drive which sustained me gone.
There are bouts of depression and anxiety. Points where I lose the ability to find words to explain the pain and I withdraw further and further until I find my back is against a wall.
All I want to do is give up, give in… to disappear into the “normal world” as if I have ever had any idea of just what it is.
It is then I surprise myself.
I will see myself doing something many would think was impulsive; suddenly coming out to someone, deciding to go out in public, going full time at work. So many things which I could not see myself doing sometimes even moments before they happen.
I can’t explain it in a way which makes sense, it is almost as if there is a mental gun in my head; things build one after another, forcing the hammer back until suddenly it slams forward with a heart stopping “BANG!”