BANG!

Every time I have made a significant step forward it has been preceded by a period of intense doubt and fear. A time when I am sure I can go no further, my energy spent, the drive which sustained me gone.

There are bouts of depression and anxiety. Points where I lose the ability to find words to explain the pain and I withdraw further and further until I find my back is against a wall. 

All I want to do is give up, give in… to disappear into the “normal world” as if I have ever had any idea of just what it is.

It is then I surprise myself.

I will see myself doing something many would think was impulsive; suddenly coming out to someone, deciding to go out in public, going full time at work. So many things which I could not see myself doing sometimes even moments before they happen. 

I can’t explain it in a way which makes sense, it is almost as if there is a mental gun in my head; things build one after another, forcing the hammer back until suddenly it slams forward with a heart stopping “BANG!”

 

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7 thoughts on “BANG!

  1. In a way, it’s almost like a good thing isn’t it? How far can we recede into ourselves, into the ‘normal world’ till our back hits the wall?

    So, good for you! (I hope in your mind the change means positively to you)

    1. For myself, trying to be ‘normal’ isn’t the best thing, I cause myself a good deal of pain both physically and mentally.
      I do see this step as not only a good thing but necessary for my continued wellbeing.

  2. what is normal ? and to who ? I love your your blog but sometimes i think all of us regardless of transitioning or not have doubts as to who we really are and what we want.
    Hang in there and continue to be KIRA
    i love reading about you

    1. I think the idea of normal is a reflection of what we see in the people around us, what we think of as acceptable. Often times we, as trans people, tend to internalize what we fear will be the response to our actions, the way we look, talk, and act which brings us to a point where we police ourselves to the point of doing more harm then good.
      We want to be accepted and loved. We want friends and family who support us and are terrified of being rejected and abandoned for things we cannot control, so we try to control them anyway even when we know it is as useful as trying to change the color of our skin.
      It goes beyond doubt, beyond fear.
      Add to this all of the socialization we experience and all of the religious dogma we internalize without thought and you have a perfect storm for mental collapse as we try to reconcile what everything inside with what we are taught from the outside.
      It seems simple to say, ‘just be’ but it really is a mountain which tries to break us long before we reach the summit.

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