It has been some time since I last wrote something personal… too long. There are countless excuses I could give for why this is but that is all they would be, excuses. The truth is I have done everything I could to avoid writing this because of fear.
Everyday I find myself being overwhelmed by fear. Fear of being betrayed by the body I wear, the way it looks, moves, sounds… and of the ways in which people see me because of it. I fear my reflection. I fear my shadow because they scream out to me just how wrong I see myself to be.
More than this, I fear myself. What resides inside this flesh.
Every time I find myself alone with nothing other than quiet and solitude I have tried to let my thoughts free reign. Instead they turn into a thousand terrified bits which scatter in every direction. Before I know it I am searching for something, anything to distract myself, to give me something to concentrate on other than finding answers to the question I know I need to ask.