It can be sad and frustrating when those closest to you, who you look to for love and support have the hardest time accepting you. When they insist on using dead names and improper pronouns, when they do so seemingly without a thought or care and are unfazed by the obvious distress doing so causes on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
On the other hand it can be rewarding, confusing, and stressful when strangers actually get it right even when you have all but given up on trying to be seen as who and what you are.
I know this sounds backward, but let me explain. I have family who I have come out to, people who have watched my struggle to become myself. Who have heard my fears, have seen my tears and still insist on using my dead name and the wrong pronouns to the point I have tried to back off transitioning any further or in fact to de-transition completely because it so painful.
On the other hand, when I am out in public, regardless of how I think I am presenting, I am still seen as female to the point of being directed to the women restroom, being called mam’, miss, and lady. I know I should be happy with this but all it does is leave me feeling sad and unsure of myself…
Too many times I have asked myself and others, “What the hell do I need to do to be seen one way or the other?”