I am so confused right now, I don’t know who I am, who I was or even who I want to be. I’m not looking for reasons, excuses, or explanations for how or why I find myself in this place at this moment. Such things are pointless speculations at best and they won’t help me find the answers I need.
I want to be able to close my eyes and know.
I want to be able to step outside this body, with its assumptions and expectations, its imposed suppositions, all the contrived actions and reactions. I want… No, I need to be free to be.
I made the mistake of thinking I needed to rediscover myself, to embark on a journey of rebuilding, retooling, of making a better more enlightened version of myself when in truth, I never knew myself. Everywhere I look, every thought, opinion, hope and dream has been borrowed from somewhere else. All those years of trying to fit in, of being a mimic, a mirror reflecting back what I thought other expected to see, left me little more than an shadow, a vaporous possibility.