Who?

I am so confused right now, I don’t know who I am, who I was or even who I want to be. I’m not looking for reasons, excuses, or explanations for how or why I find myself in this place at this moment. Such things are pointless speculations at best and they won’t help me find the answers I need.

I want to be able to close my eyes and know.

I want to be able to step outside this body, with its assumptions and expectations, its imposed suppositions, all the contrived actions and reactions. I want… No, I need to be free to be.

I made the mistake of thinking I needed to rediscover myself, to embark on a journey of rebuilding, retooling, of making a better more enlightened version of myself when in truth, I never knew myself. Everywhere I look, every thought, opinion, hope and dream has been borrowed from somewhere else. All those years of trying to fit in, of being a mimic, a mirror reflecting back what I thought other expected to see, left me little more than an shadow, a vaporous possibility.

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14 thoughts on “Who?

  1. I don’t have any easy answers to offer you, Kira. None of us walk the same path but often our paths are similar. I faced a personal point some years ago where I realized that I had to be me, instead of pretending to be whom everyone else wanted. In making that choice, I lost spouse, two adult sons and their families, and siblings. Yes, that hurt. But I have gained “chosen” family, people I trust and who know and love the real me. For me, making that choice, reaching out, struggling to be myself, has all been worth it. Those I lost? They showed me something that was not very pleasant – that those whom I had loved unconditionally returned that love very conditionally, and any deviation from their planned script resulted in withholding their “love”. I no longer consider that real love but emotional manipulation and abuse.

    I cannot tell you what to do. Only you can make that choice. But let me warn you that if you think you are preserving anything remotely approaching “love” by giving in to others, you will be disappointed.

    From 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
    5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
    6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
    7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    If someone says they “love” you but their love does not honor these verses, then it is not love.

    I feel your pain and have been in a similar place. All that I know is that by choosing to let me live my life, I have become happier and more fulfilled than I ever was when I was “loved” by people engaged in emotional manipulations.

  2. i totally get where you atr wish i could tell you everything will be perfect but in fact who knows.
    i often want to run away and start new someplace and dream that when i get there everything will be great. but i also know the grass just looks greener so hang in there and be the best Kira you know how to be for now and maybe when we keep on being our best we will find our true selves

  3. It’s a scary thing. I, too, lost family and friends. Devastated and confused, I persevered. New friends were gained and, most importantly, I gained myself, the real me, the me I had hidden for years. The me that had screamed at the top of its little lungs… “be true to me!” It’s a rough road, darling, but so worth it.

  4. *
    These are divisions that occur in the life of a trans-person.

    As I made clear to family and ‘friends’ in a variation, I am female by inter-sex; my transitioning to female should have been accepted as correcting the error of the birthing room doctors no different than if I corrected a defect of an arm or ear, not this mortal sin for which they accuse me of committing.

    Instead, my family shuns me from their lives.

    That’s okay; I have learned to develop my own family, my own ‘sisters’ and ‘brothers’, my own friends. So, too, will you. Dear Kira. We can be your new family – your ‘sisters’ and ‘brothers’.

    Stay strong in your own willpower.

    *

    1. Yes Sharon great advice ..its your old families loss as you can people in your life that love and support you for wgo you are and who help you become thw wonderful person you are meant to be.

  5. As a kindred spirit, your pain and your path affect me. I will probably never meet you but I want you to know it is important to me that you are just who you are now. I have no expectation of you other than that you are living the life you are, struggling but just as you are.
    I am better for knowing you are there. I hope you are better for knowing there are so many people following you and interested in you.
    Geraldine

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