Words have been difficult for me to hold on to, yet I know I need to bring form to the thoughts which fill my mind like a poisonous fog…
It has been longer than I can clearly remember since I did more than move from day to day in survival mode… Nothing more than going through the motions. While I managed to live for many years this way, it was before I understood what I was doing and now that I do, it becomes a burden which grows heavier by the day.
I know there is so much more, to me, to life, to living even though there is also fear, I sit here and I know attempting to continue this way is killing me. I wish this was me simply being melodramatic, but if experience has taught me anything it’s there will always a price to be pay.
The longer I go this way the more persistent to the doubts become… If I can go this long presenting in the same way as I did before, does it mean I can continue? After all, I managed to survive for decades. What are the few years I likely have left? More than that, doesn’t it prove I was wrong? That I’m not truly a woman, not truly trans… just a self deluded old fool?
Then there is the deep dark feeling I have never been able to shake… isn’t death what I really deserve?
Part of what has consumed my thoughts for these past months has been to take a long, brutally honest look at who I was… who I am and while a terrifying amount of my past is nothing more than a fog bank of over riding emotions with little to almost nothing in clear memories, I know I was a horrible person, so full of pain and rage it is a miracle I didn’t end up killing someone. As it was I know I hurt everyone I cam into contact with. I was caustic. I was unkind, unsympathetic, uncaring, and unloving… On some level I wanted people to hurt as much as I did.
I wish I could say that person wasn’t me… that some evil spirit was to blame but I can’t so…
It may be true, as someone suggested, the mental breakdown which brought me to come out as trans was a watershed moment, one in which that old self was violently stripped away and I was reborn as who I am now. Maybe… but I cannot shake the feeling that other is still inside waiting to return and as long as it is, can I, am I, truly who and what I so desperately wish myself to be or is this just another layer to this costume of self deceit?