Reflection (Excerpt)

It wasn’t until now, this very moment, the truth became crystal clear. My last break down was greater than I imagined. It was shattering, everything inside of me exploding into razor sharp shards, rending me from the inside out. It left me wounded beyond repair… Yet it also freed me from my abuser, this construction of hate, which had worked so tirelessly to crush me, to bury me under the weight of shame and fear and a hatred so deep, so visceral, it was acid running trough my veins. My abuser, this hatred, was all anyone knew. It was the only thing they could see, hear, touch… it surrounded me completely. Yet somehow I survived. I didn’t break. Didn’t give in, though there were so many times I wanted to… 

 

In the end it was broken…

 

I want to say I am now free and I suppose in many ways I am, yet I am also a victim as much as a survivor and as such there is that part of me which still wants to believe the lies, the hate… to say it was my fault for not being stronger, not being brave, for not standing up for myself even when I knew I was dying. The stains of those years still color my soul, telling me I deserved everything which happened and it is so difficult to ignore the insidious whispers… 

 

To not crawl back to it, begging for forgiveness.

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4 thoughts on “Reflection (Excerpt)

  1. *
    I prefer to think we are ‘survivors’ rather than ‘victims’.

    Yes, we have regrets, mostly the regret of not doing better, but transition is usually a one-time deal and we really do not have the manner to do again what we worked so hard to do the first time.
    *

    1. It’s difficult to explain but sometimes it feels as if I am both a survivor and a victim. I survived those things outside myself while I am also a victim of my own personal demons.
      It doesn’t make sense when I try to put it into words…

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