Too Many Thoughts

Nearing the end of yet another year, I suppose it is time to look into the past once more…

After nearly five years of struggle I had hoped this year would be the first of many living full time, but it wasn’t meant to be. I have had too many doubts, too many fears. I have let what I, in my heart, believe I should be by now to cast a shadow over my heart and I cannot get free of the darkness.

I see myself without the trappings of gender and all I find is everything which tells me I am mistaken, delusional, deceived, a fool who dreams of what can never be no matter how much I might wish for it to be otherwise.

There is that which whispers to my heart I can never be anything other than a pretender.

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20 thoughts on “Too Many Thoughts

  1. Sending you a special cyber hug. I know in my heart you are anything but a pretender. Circumstances are forcing you to survive how you can. Coping is important for one’s sanity. Trust me, I know how that is. Where there’s trust one can find and open one’s true heart. ❤

  2. I thought I commented and saved it but don’t see it now. Sending a special cyber hug. To me you’re not a pretender, rather someone trying to cope in a world that can be very judgmental, unforgiving, and intolerant. One has to cope however they can. It takes a lot to built trust and open up. I know how that is. Love, Paulette

  3. *
    Kira:

    Yes, five years may seem a long time.

    May I share that my adult transition took 11 long years. Add the 18 years of childhood and teen pre-adult transition and that’s 29 years of transition.

    I faced roadblocks, hurdles, starts, stops, start agains.

    Here are a few ‘atta girls’:

    Keep moving forward, even if you take an assessment step back once in a while.

    Keep your goal in sight; you will learn along your way, accept any adjustments to your goal.

    The only time-line that matters is yours – proceed at your pace.

    Look back in satisfaction at your accomplishments; look forward at your path as it becomes easier.

    We who are here extend our hand to help you.

    My best to you – my best to whatever holidays you celebrate this season.
    *

  4. Don’t know precisely your situation, but having a teenage transgender daughter has opened my eyes…
    Her identity isn’t dependent upon dressing ‘like a girl’, playing with ‘girl’ stuff or wearing makeup… She has long hair now, but more a personal rather than gender choice.
    She is simply herself, and makes it look effortless… Except for the incorrect ‘wedding tackle’, she wouldn’t have a care… Although unfortunately, she can’t have the gender affirming surgery for many years.
    As a cis woman, I have been unconventional in my representation…a gender-bender those times when I opted to wear very short hair, or just a hippy those times when I’ve worn my hair long…
    I never wear makeup and if I wear a dress, it is a tunic with salwar trousers underneath.
    My transgender daughter and I simply be who were are. Harder for her because she is privately pained by the incorrect ‘parts’.
    It must be very hard to feel as tho you can’t live and present yourself as the woman you believe yourself to be.
    I would venture to claim that were you able to do so, all doubt would fall away as your role and style became the reality.
    In the end, it’s only our self that can define who we are… So I listen to that inner self to inform my everyday.
    May 2017 be a defining year for you, to eradicate any self doubt

    1. I know in my heart and mind who I am but it is difficult to believe in myself when this face and body does so much to condemn me.
      I understand every person is different, how they express themselves, how they present themselves. There is no right or wrong way to be who you are… I know this in my mind… but there are moment, unexpected and vicious, which tear my identity and self awareness to shreds.
      Then, in the end I again find myself exhausted, without the energy or will to fight these battles. It becomes easier to withdraw, to be what the world insists I be at least on the outside and to keep my thoughts, hope, dreams, and opinions deep inside.

      1. My heart hurts for you… Ours is a cruel society that punishes any who fail to meet the arbitrary ‘norms’ of the dominant paradigm..

        Would there were a way to turn down the doubts, alleviate the pain…

        Would I could love you free of the suffering…

        Be strong and always good to yourself… Best I can do is offer my care, consideration and respect…

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