I should be asleep right now

I’m writing this after working all night… as the title says, I should be in bed falling asleep but my mind just won’t let things go. All night my thoughts kept jumping around from one subject to the next as it fought to keep me from concentrating on what should be my real concerns; my health and sanity.

From half forgotten songs to Facebook posts to news stories, my thoughts just wouldn’t stop. I know anxiety and depression are fueling these feelings… the hopelessness, the worthlessness. It warps my image in my heart and mind, twisting it into a monster who will never be what I see when I close my eyes.

The scary part is I know I am not doing well, no matter what I tell myself. I can feel it. mentally, physically, and emotionally even with the shield the antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications give me… I don’t want to think of where I would be if not for them…

I was going to write about this blog, how what I have shared and written has often been as much about distraction has it has been about sharing but even in this I am not sure how to go about saying anything which would make sense. So many times I have found myself afraid to share something personal because I have said those words over and over and at some point it just seems to be little more than looking for someone to tell me I’m really okay, that I am worthy of happiness, that I am… I don’t know, maybe simply worth something…

Wow, this sounds really pathetic when I read it back to myself… but I have been having so much trouble convincing myself this is real, that I’m not crazy… or maybe that I am… I want to believe there is a point to all of this, that there will be a time when I will be… myself… my true self… that I will wake up one day and be able to do what I wish for others to do so dearly… to look beyond the exterior… beyond the flesh and bone, down to the very essence of whatever it is that makes me, me.

I look in the mirror and all I see is a thing. My body calls me a liar and with every breath my soul is broken a little more.

4 thoughts on “I should be asleep right now

  1. You aren’t a liar; you’re just in the wrong outfit, as it were. You know what’s real and what isn’t, and I can’t even imagine how painful it must be to see something you know isn’t what you feel in your soul every time you brush your teeth or pass a mirror. Keep going. And talk to your doctor about changing your meds; they may be losing effectiveness.

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