It begins…

There have been many times over the past few months when I seriously questioned my sanity. It has been a combination of dysphoria, depression, anxiety, and being exhausted in almost every way possible without being in a coma.

It doesn’t help knowing for many years I should have been professionally  diagnosed with something more than “Personality Disorder, Server” (which was a large part of what lead to the Navy asking me nicely to look for another career). Even now, after years of therapy, I can’t be sure if I have shared the worst things which wormed their way through my troubled mind. Years of almost uncontrolled paranoia and a tendency toward an all consuming rage which often led to violent confrontations, several of which could have  ended with me killing someone. Looking back I’m amazed I didn’t end up in prison or a rubber room…

then again, it might have been better if I had…

Now, all these years later, those feelings are returning… They are just distant echoes of the raging storm but I fear it lurks just over the horizon, building… Waiting to suddenly erupt and sweep me up once again. Depression as become an all too familiar companion, with the anger is building deep inside. I am having difficulty with anxiety… as before, I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with crowds or even being around another human at all.

As for anything transgender related…

It would seem I’m not as strong as everyone thought I was…


One thought on “It begins…

  1. As long as you’re still questioning your sanity, you’re probably still sane; insane people don’t question themselves at all. As for the rest, you can’t be strong all the time. Being weak is how we learn how to be strong. Keep fighting, Kira.

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