Welcome To My Mind, Please Don’t Mind The Mess

I’ve avoided writing this post for some time now… There are many reasons why, doubt, fear… Not wanting to be seen as looking for pity… maybe for not wanting to burden others with my problems when I know so many have their own battles to fight…

Now though I find I am having a negative affect on my oldest child at a time when he cannot afford to be distracted from his own issues…

It pains me to know this because I have always thought he was far more important than I, after all, he is just beginning to live his life and I have squandered so much of mine.

So here I sit, searching for words, of the images and thoughts which could explain the growing darkness within myself. One which begs for me to set it free one last time…

I am beyond exhausted… physically, mentally, emotionally… I am spent and all that remains is sorrow and anxiety. An endless weight on my chest and ice in my stomach. I am having trouble sleeping, focusing… Food is almost tasteless, and I have not only lost my former interests, I have also lost my art, my poetry… hopes are fading memories and my dreams haunt me even in the daylight.

My anxiety has become worse, to the point I have nearly collapsed twice this week alone. I am constantly fighting chills which run down my spine then out to my arms and legs, added with bouts of nausea. The depression has become deeper and more settled in than it has for a very long time and I feel even my stress levels have began to spike, leaving me feeling as if my head is in a vice.

I have had several breakdowns over the years… events which cracked and splintered my self image but never completely shattered it… That is what I want. To mentally explode into a million, billion pieces… to crumble into dust and have nothing left, not even a single memory…

Whatever, whoever I was before this moment gone… gone and forgotten.

I don’t want to think anymore,

I don’t want to feel anymore.

I don’t want to remember anymore.

*    *    *

I had to step away for a bit to gather my thoughts…

Unsurprisingly, I took the time to realize everything I am feeling leaves me feeling even more selfish than I did before… I read what I have written and all I see is me, me, me when I know all too well it isn’t just about me and hasn’t been for a very long time. This only adds to feelings of being boxed in again, tighter and tighter…

So what can I do when there is no moving forward, no going back, and no escape?

Like being lost in a maze, I can feel there is going to be a dead end somewhere ahead.

6 thoughts on “Welcome To My Mind, Please Don’t Mind The Mess

  1. But until you can get to a better place, you can’t help those you love. Taking care of yourself will make you better able to care for your son. ((Hugs))

  2. Keep writing. I’ve gotten through my darkest times by writing out thoughts and feelings, sometimes into poetry. Just cathartic release, but it gets me through. Good luck ❤

  3. I respect & totally understand your feelings. Life in itself can be difficult. You happen to be caring ab extra burden … sending a tight Latin hug! Love surrounds you amidst all!! ❤️❤️

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