First of all, today was better than the last few. A and I got out and about which I am sure helped. One of the problems with dealing with depression, especially when it digs in deep, is the exhaustion. Doing anything physical leaves me feeling as if I haven’t slept in weeks and though I enjoyed being out of the house, I found myself needing to sleep for several hours. Thankfully it was a better rest than I have gotten many nights when it seems as though all I do is toss and turn, unable to get comfortable or to get my brain to shut off.
When I was trying to relax this afternoon a thought came to me that I need to shift the way I think about what happened in the past. Most of the time I have viewed my memories through the lens of being male when the truth is, this was never the way I actually experienced those events. I tend to think of them in terms of what “he” did or said or experienced and not how I did.
Maybe this sounds strange, I’m sure it isn’t how most people think of their past but I think it is the way I do.
I need to think of these things in terms of what I remember, what I experienced, what I thought and felt and stop trying to embrace something I was never able to fully comprehend.
The interesting thing is, I think back on so many instances when I would do something or have a question and I would tell myself everyone else did or thought the same things and yet the thought of asking or talking about them was terrifying. I knew then, as I know now, I was not the same as everyone else and they did not have the same thoughts or questions as I did and they would not understand, so I kept my silence.
So, knowing this, why have I thought I could compare myself to whatever self image I had based those around me?
Remember the saying, “If a fish judges its self compared to a cat and the cats ability to climb a tree, it will always believe it is useless.”
It’s the same thing for me, a trans person, trying to compare myself to a world full of cis people and by the same token, those cis people around me, judging based on their expectations.
It’s no wonder I’ve spent a lifetime thinking I was broken and worthless.