Another Tour Inside My Mind.

First of all, today was better than the last few. A and I got out and about which I am sure helped. One of the problems with dealing with depression, especially when it digs in deep, is the exhaustion. Doing anything physical leaves me feeling as if I haven’t slept in weeks and though I enjoyed being out of the house, I found myself needing to sleep for several hours. Thankfully it was a better rest than I have gotten many nights when it seems as though all I do is toss and turn, unable to get comfortable or to get my brain to shut off.

When I was trying to relax this afternoon a thought came to me that I need to shift the way I think about what happened in the past. Most of the time I have viewed my memories through the lens of being male when the truth is, this was never the way I actually experienced those events. I tend to think of them in terms of what “he” did or said or experienced and not how I did.

Maybe this sounds strange, I’m sure it isn’t how most people think of their past but I think it is the way I do.

I need to think of these things in terms of what I remember, what I experienced, what I thought and felt and stop trying to embrace something I was never able to fully comprehend. 

The interesting thing is, I think back on so many instances when I would do something or have a question and I would tell myself everyone else did or thought the same things and yet the thought of asking or talking about them was terrifying. I knew then, as I know now, I was not the same as everyone else and they did not have the same thoughts or questions as I did and they would not understand, so I kept my silence.

So, knowing this, why have I thought I could compare myself to whatever self image I had  based those around me? 

Remember the saying, “If a fish judges its self compared to a cat and the cats ability to climb a tree, it will always believe it is useless.”

It’s the same thing for me, a trans person, trying to compare myself to a world full of cis people and by the same token, those cis people around me, judging based on their expectations.

It’s no wonder I’ve spent a lifetime thinking I was broken and worthless.

8 thoughts on “Another Tour Inside My Mind.

  1. yes it is different being trans but being you is more important. i think dwelling on the past can always be more damaging then thinking of the future and being optimistic about the wonderful things that are gonna happen because i am being true to who i am. For i could never live up to what others do or want me to do or who i should be. so just be Kira and enjoy being who you were meant to be

  2. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Great thoughtful post. It’s a relief to have those ah ha thoughts that lighten things up a bit but oh man thinking can kill and the comparison thing is a tough one. Reading this today helped me. Thanks and hugs. 🙂

  3. Hi Kira,
    As a trans person myself, I understand where you are coming from here. I often look back at my past and there is a split in how I think about it. I have been with my partner for 7 years. When I look back on that time, I don’t tend to gender it. It’s just what we did, what I did, where I worked, etc. Perhaps some of that is influenced by the fact that I have been talking about events in our relationship, like the commitment ceremony, the honeymoon, and other holidays with work colleagues and now as a male I can’t look back on that and say she.
    However going back before that I still tend to think of that as a female past. It is difficult to try to reconcile the two into one person, because for a lot of reasons I never felt like the person I am now is the same as the person I was then. When the reality is all that has changed is my appearance.
    So I understand completely how you feel.

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