Why Can’t I…

Facing forward I am confronted by an unknowable future (and yes, I understand the future is never knowable before it happens and then it is the past) however, there has been a painful yet comforting familiarity to the past which has allowed me to face each day as little more than another expected sentence added to the book of my life. These are the waters I have tread for so long the I have fallen asleep to their rhythm.

Now that rhythm has been broken, those once placid waters have become storm tossed and shark filled and I seem as incapable of stepping into this new unknown any more than I could step into those waters.

I know this sounds melodramatic, especially if you haven’t experienced anything similar. It’s a problem I have run into when trying to explain what I am feeling to someone who isn’t lgbt, never mind trans. Even my therapist seems to have difficulty during our recent sessions, which has added to my own doubts and questions when it comes to where I need to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am not faulting her here, I’m amazed we have made it so far when my issues are so far beyond her own experience, not to mention all the added baggage I brought to the table. I seriously credit her efforts with keeping me sane and alive this long.

Still, I want to break down in tears of frustration when she asks why I cannot be content with where I am now. Can’t I be satisfied with being seen as more androgynous than male? With wearing certain clothing or having long hair. 

When she suggests maybe I need to accept putting things off just a little longer, until my children are older, until I find a workplace which is more accepting, until, until, until… As if deliberately dragging out my transition for all those reasons and more for over five years hasn’t come close to destroying me more than once. When every time I have made one step forward, my entire past comes crashing down on me like a tsunami and I find myself having taken a dozen steps backward. 

8 thoughts on “Why Can’t I…

  1. Every single one of us has a unique journey, and we each have to make the choices that are right for ourselves.

    I can only comment from my perspective, Kira, but I’m wondering if you need a different therapist? Hurting yourself for the sake of others is not healthy. Tormenting yourself so others can be comfortable is not healthy. At some point, you have to come first.

    When I began my journey, one of the first things my therapist hit me with was “The first thing you have to do is stop lying to yourself”. Letting go of that let me stop grasping at illusions that could never have worked anyway. Only once I let go of the illusions did I find the strength and purpose to move forward. Until you place yourself first, you will be stuck where you are.

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I understand and I am trying to let go of the illusion things can stay the same… at least my mind knows this, so it’s a start.

      1. “You cannot change what you refuse to confront.” – Anon

        “When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.” – Haruki Murakami

        “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” – Maya Angelou

        “Risk something or forever sit with your dreams.” – Herb Brooks

        “You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis

        “I will not stay silent so you can stay comfortable.” – Anon

        The above quotes all were inspiration to me, along with friends who reinforced these things to me as well. I won’t sugar coat things. I’ve lost much because I chose to be me, but I have gained even more, and in retrospect, now knowing what I know about those who I once loved, who chose to reject me, the loss is not so bitter. I simply see them more clearly for who and what they are.

        Where I stand now, years removed from the decision to transition, I am happier, calmer, more at peace than I ever imagined I could be, and surrounded by friends who I know will be there for me should I need them.

        I cannot tell you what to do, but I can relate about the difference of knowing something in your mind versus really knowing it in your heart. But you’re correct – knowing it in your head is at least a start.

        I would tell you to reach for the stars but in the end, only you can make that choice for yourself. Much love and peace to you, Kira.

  2. Like Cara, I’m wondering if it isn’t time to look into getting a new therapist. As you move down your path, you may find that you need new help with the new directions. This isn’t faulting you or your current therapist; this just might be a sign that it’s time to take another step toward living the life you want and need.

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