This is a continuation of yesterdays post… well, really all of my posts as it seems I have a constant trail of thoughts meandering through my mind.
I have been struggling with my depression for a while now after a brief time of calm. I know I shouldn’t be surprised as this seems to be a far too often occurrence. This is the emotional rollercoaster I talk about and seriously, this is as tiring as you can imagine. You wake up and for a moment it seems it might be a good day and then the depression settles over you like a too heavy blanket and now it takes every ounce of strength just to sit up, never mind trying to get up and do whatever it is you need to do that day. If this was all there was to deal with, it would be more than enough but it doesn’t take long for the questions, doubts, and fears to come crowding in, finding any weakness in your mental defenses.
This also makes thoughts of being transgender and transitioning nearly impossible. I am constantly questioning myself, finding doubt after doubt just waiting in the shadows to pounce. Then there is the constant thought of “I have survived this long as I am, I can continue to do so.” Followed by “you’re a fool, delusional or crazy, to think you can be anything more than what you are at this moment.” Of course there is the long standing understanding I will never make the right decisions, that I am always wrong. I shouldn’t trust myself and if I do, if I follow my heart and dreams then I am being selfish. So self absorbed I don’t care who gets hurt. Or how I affect those around me or listen to their advice… That I am wrong. Wrong. WROUNG!
In the midst of this I decide to do something I know is going to hurt me, often deeply, down to my very soul… yet at the same time there is something inside which whispers, “You deserve this. You deserve to hurt every bit as much as possible because in the end it will never be as bad as how much you have hurt those around you.”
Yesterday I did this by taking a picture of myself al natural. I wanted to see just what I face every day in the mirror, in any reflection, in how I am sure the whole world sees me. I wanted the reminder of how foolish I am. Of how nothing has changed in all these years and never will change regardless of how much I may wish, hope, dream, or pray…