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Here She Goes Again…

I’m afraid this post is likely to be a rambling mess for which I apologize.

There has been a lot going on today in my head, which I suppose isnt a surprise to anyone who knows me I went from up to neutral to down as the day progressed which ended after I had a conversation with A this evening. 

I’m sure there are a number of things I can blame my thought processes on but regardless of why I treat myself so badly, in the end I know I am the one who has to take responsibility because it not only affects myself but those around me and trying to play it off isn’t doing anyone any good.

I have been fighting with myself since the very beginning. Constantly insisting I could somehow bottle everything up, toss it in a box, throw it in the deepest hole in my mind and rebury it forever. Of course I knew this was childish, foolish, and pointless but the thoughts and emotions roiling in my head over rode what my heart knew to be true and I tried anyway with disastrous results. Over the past twenty four hours I thought to go down the same path with those same voices telling me I could do it this time… (Then again I also know the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)

Another analogy here would be someone taking medicine for a life threatening condition and once they started to feel better deciding they no longer needed to continue taking it. You see, those wonderful thoughts and emotions started working overtime once I had experienced one day which was better. I had thoughts of, “If I feel better now, and I’m not trying to be (her)… well then, I should be able to continue to do so as long as I take any questions, doubts, fears, anxiety or depression and just push it into that little box and kicked some dirt over it.

I told myself I could also set aside anything dealing with being transgender. To just stop thinking about it, to clear my mind every time those thoughts and feeling raised their heads. I could do a through house cleaning, both literally and figuratively and just start over with a clean slate.

This also included crushing any memories from my past, especially from my childhood.

(Yes, I know this sounds even more insane than any of my other ramblings but it really has been part of my internal dialogue.)

I’m not sure why I decided to say anything to A about any of this, (other than the fact I have never been able to keep my big mouth shut,) In fact I told myself many times to just keep my decision to myself. I felt if I said nothing then no one would have a reason to worry about me… (yeah, another genius thought…) In the end I did say something and it started a conversation which proved to me this wasn’t what I should be trying to do. Instead of not hurting others, it would only make things worse.

Refusing to simply be myself was creating a lot of stress in everyone. I was unpredictable and unstable. I was also a danger to myself, enough so my therapist has been seriously pushing for me to commit myself for my own safety, (though right or wrong I have felt it wasn’t the right thing for me to do). She pointed out I have had the means and a plan to either hurt or kill myself for sometime and all it would take is one step in the wrong direction to act.

She’s right… I have been a danger to myself for more years than I care to claim. I have made plans, researched methods, thought long and hard as to the time and place but never put any of into action. Part of the reason I have mentioned before, having something, no matter how small or seemingly pointless, planned within the next twenty four hours. A chore, some responsibility, even writing a simple blog post… has kept me going, one day at a time. Maybe doing this small thing to keep myself alive says I’m not really ready to die, I can’t say for certain. Death has been a close companion for far too long.

The thing is, I hope by truly surrendering to the truth of who I am I can not only find peace with myself but a true reason to want to live.

I guess we’ll see, won’t we?

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6 thoughts on “Here She Goes Again…

  1. Kira, this does make full sense to me, both the challenges and your attempts to repress parts of who you are.
    Your experience is painful and others hopefully can offer valuable advice to ease the pain.
    But all I can offer is this morsel of solidarity.
    Geraldine

  2. You’re not rambling; you’re describing your thought process. And I’m so glad you’re talking about it all with the people closest to you. Dragging all that darkness out into the light is the only thing that will get rid of it. As Bruce Cockburn sang, “You’ve got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.”

  3. Kira, two others have written their support for You. You haven’t hurt yourself because deep down there is a struggle to be alive and live and love as Kira. They say the truth hurts. They say the truth will set you free. But only You rae know what You need and want. Trust your heart and be who You are meant to be.
    Hugs

  4. The time come’s for us all when we must let it all out and dell with it, 5 years ago i had my awakening when all my child-hood memory’s came back and i knew who and what i was, it’s taken 5 years to dell with it all bring me to a place where im comfortable with my past and what i am. We can’t beary all that and exspecte to have a normale healthy life it’s time to face it all so you can have that happy normal life your looking for Kira, letting it out is the first step, i hope you keep down this road and get to find your happynise Kira.

    Im here for you Kira.

    BY FOR NOW

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