I’m afraid this post is likely to be a rambling mess for which I apologize.
There has been a lot going on today in my head, which I suppose isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me… I went from up to neutral to down as the day progressed which ended after I had a conversation with A this evening.
I’m sure there are a number of things I can blame my thought processes on but regardless of why I treat myself so badly, in the end I know I am the one who has to take responsibility because it not only affects myself but those around me and trying to play it off isn’t doing anyone any good.
I have been fighting with myself since the very beginning. Constantly insisting I could somehow bottle everything up, toss it in a box, throw it in the deepest hole in my mind and rebury it forever. Of course I knew this was childish, foolish, and pointless but the thoughts and emotions roiling in my head over rode what my heart knew to be true and I tried anyway with disastrous results. Over the past twenty four hours I thought to go down the same path with those same voices telling me I could do it this time… (Then again I also know the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)
Another analogy here would be someone taking medicine for a life threatening condition and once they started to feel better deciding they no longer needed to continue taking it. You see, those wonderful thoughts and emotions started working overtime once I had experienced one day which was better. I had thoughts of, “If I feel better now, and I’m not trying to be (her)… well then, I should be able to continue to do so as long as I take any questions, doubts, fears, anxiety or depression and just push it into that little box and kicked some dirt over it.
I told myself I could also set aside anything dealing with being transgender. To just stop thinking about it, to clear my mind every time those thoughts and feeling raised their heads. I could do a through house cleaning, both literally and figuratively and just start over with a clean slate.
This also included crushing any memories from my past, especially from my childhood.
(Yes, I know this sounds even more insane than any of my other ramblings but it really has been part of my internal dialogue.)
I’m not sure why I decided to say anything to A about any of this, (other than the fact I have never been able to keep my big mouth shut,) In fact I told myself many times to just keep my decision to myself. I felt if I said nothing then no one would have a reason to worry about me… (yeah, another genius thought…) In the end I did say something and it started a conversation which proved to me this wasn’t what I should be trying to do. Instead of not hurting others, it would only make things worse.
Refusing to simply be myself was creating a lot of stress in everyone. I was unpredictable and unstable. I was also a danger to myself, enough so my therapist has been seriously pushing for me to commit myself for my own safety, (though right or wrong I have felt it wasn’t the right thing for me to do). She pointed out I have had the means and a plan to either hurt or kill myself for sometime and all it would take is one step in the wrong direction to act.
She’s right… I have been a danger to myself for more years than I care to claim. I have made plans, researched methods, thought long and hard as to the time and place but never put any of into action. Part of the reason I have mentioned before, having something, no matter how small or seemingly pointless, planned within the next twenty four hours. A chore, some responsibility, even writing a simple blog post… has kept me going, one day at a time. Maybe doing this small thing to keep myself alive says I’m not really ready to die, I can’t say for certain. Death has been a close companion for far too long.
The thing is, I hope by truly surrendering to the truth of who I am I can not only find peace with myself but a true reason to want to live.
I guess we’ll see, won’t we?