Personal

For the Best

It’s been a long time since I faced the world as my authentic self, months in fact. Its not as if I get out very often, mostly taking my oldest to and from his job and occasional trips shopping. Even though leaving the house can be difficult and I have had to keep a tight reign on my emotions (especially around family), I start each day telling myself I survived yesterday without presenting, I can do it today too because at some point it will become second nature once again and maybe, just maybe I can become a husband and father again…

I know this doesnt make much sense, it doesn’t always make sense to me and I’m living it… The thing is, as much as I might want to embrace who I am inside this body, I find it impossible when it makes it clear I am not, nor will I ever be, female anywhere but here.

I refuse to exchange one costume for another.

I spent a lifetime trying to be something I wasnt, I cant spend whatever time I have left trying to be something I can never be.

I dont know if this is even possible, if I can survive for very long being torn apart from the inside out. I have already reached my limit more than once and I know when it all falls apart it doesnt go well, (though I have somehow survived changed more than I could express here, battered, torn, and scared almost beyond recognition…

I suppose this is my cost to bear.

I know I’ve said it before, yet I believe it still, I’m not important in the big scheme of the universe. One day I will be gone… forgotten… leaving not so much as a ripple, and the world will go on.

Maybe it is for the best.

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9 thoughts on “For the Best

  1. Hopefully Kira one day you will find a happy middle ground that you can live with comfortably.
    Take care Kira, we love you no-mater what you are.

    BY FOR NOW

  2. I have followed you quietly for a few years, & I just want you to know, that in the grand scheme of things, your presence does indeed matter to the universe, I hope you find a happy medium, a place on the spectrum where you can feel comfortable, Kira, you have a lot of people that care for you regardless, just be the amazing person you truly are. xo

  3. This raises some really interesting questions, Kira, because, in calling yourself “fake” or “a costume”, you are implying that every trans woman who has ever transitioned is such too.

    I find that sort of incredible. Is the trans woman I know, who is happily married and has three kids now (via adoption) any less of a mother than any other mother? She’s a member of her local PTA and involved in her kids’ schools.

    Am I a fake? My doctor says my blood chemistry is “completely female”. Every ID I own, even my birth certificate says I am female. I’ve not been misgendered in years. So am I “a costume” too?

    You see, in your rush to condemn yourself, you condemn every trans woman everywhere. Did you think about that? Or were you so wrapped up in your own misery that what you said about every other trans woman didn’t occur to you? Or worse, do you really believe that about every other trans woman?

    I’m going to tell you something difficult – it looks to me as though you are more comfortable with your pain than anything else. It looks like you prefer your own misery to finding a solution to that misery. It looks, from here, that you are so desperate for the approval of others that you will sacrifice yourself. And that’s not healthy.

    You may think you are getting away with something, that you are not “hurting” your family, but I guarantee you that they feel that tension, that pain, even if they cannot articulate it. And so long as you are in such pain, you will never be the parent or spouse that you could be, or even should be.

    I think you really need to reconsider where you stand. Your intense desire to condemn yourself shows a problem that is not necessarily solely related to being trans but demonstrates a crisis of self, regardless of gender. Because if we cannot love ourselves, we can never ever truly love another person.

    • Cara,
      I am not going to attempt to defend what I wrote. You’re correct in pointing out I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself when I wrote those words. You have shown me when something is put out in public others may not see things the way you believe they will and for that I am sorry. It was never my intention to hurt or disparage anyone, especially other trans women.
      You are also correct in pointing out I seem to thrive on my own pain and suffering, caused by my own hand. I have no excuses for such behaviour. It is far beyond time I accept this truth and take responsibility for myself.
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opening my eyes, I hope I can do better in the future.
      Kira

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