It’s been a long time since I faced the world as my authentic self, months in fact. It’s not as if I get out very often, mostly taking my oldest to and from his job and occasional trips shopping. Even though leaving the house can be difficult and I have had to keep a tight reign on my emotions (especially around family), I start each day telling myself I survived yesterday without presenting, I can do it today too because at some point it will become second nature once again and maybe, just maybe I can become a husband and father again…
I know this doesn’t make much sense, it doesn’t always make sense to me and I’m living it… The thing is, as much as I might want to embrace who I am inside this body, I find it impossible when it makes it clear I am not, nor will I ever be, female anywhere but here.
I refuse to exchange one costume for another.
I spent a lifetime trying to be something I wasn’t, I can’t spend whatever time I have left trying to be something I can never be.
I don’t know if this is even possible, if I can survive for very long being torn apart from the inside out. I have already reached my limit more than once and I know when it all falls apart it doesn’t go well, (though I have somehow survived… changed more than I could express here, battered, torn, and scared almost beyond recognition…
I suppose this is my cost to bear.
I know I’ve said it before, yet I believe it still, I’m not important in the big scheme of the universe. One day I will be gone… forgotten… leaving not so much as a ripple, and the world will go on.
Maybe it is for the best.