Personal Thoughts

Although today has been better, it is the exception rather than the rule recently. Since the beginning of the year I have been on a slow downward spiral. Unfortunately recent events lead to a steeper decline and now I am in a place where I am constantly lethargic. It often seems as though there are weights on my arms and legs leaving me exhausted after doing the simplest tasks. Mentally it feels as if my head is wrapped in an ever tightening band. I am in a constant fog. It is almost impossible to concentrate or focus on important tasks. My thoughts either wander or become hopelessly lost in a grey haze.

It doesn’t help I have not only stopped seeking to transition, I have started moving backward to the point where I am once again using my old name and making no effort to mitigate my more masculine qualities and generally letting myself go.

There just doesn’t seem to be much of a point anymore.


23 thoughts on “Personal Thoughts

  1. I’m so sorry things have been so rough for you lately. Please know there are people who care about you, whether we know you irl or not, whether you go forward, backward, sideways, or nowhere at all. Stay safe, stay strong. It will get better.

  2. I’m sorry, Kira. Keep on fighting through this. I think the other circumstances in your life are helping make this downturn worse than it might have otherwise been, but that doesn’t make it feel any better I’m sure. Know that you have support no matter what.

  3. Just reading through each of the comments it is obvious that your cyber followers care about you and we have you in our thoughts. We hope this helps but yes I agree with the comments already posted, maybe the guidance of a doctor or counselor would be worthwhile. Just laying it out before someone face to face can be helpful. Thinking of you,

    1. Up until recently I was seeing a therapist, but after all these years I realized I was wasting her time and told her to take another client she could actually help.
      I also have a local support group which meets once a month but I am in no condition to meet other trans people especially when it will remind me of how far I have fallen.
      Besides that, I’ve pretty much accepted the fact I have gone as far as I can. I no longer have the strength or the will to keep up the fight.

      1. OK Kira. That sounds reasonable but when you assess that you are at a vulnerable level not as a male or a female but just as a person, you, then just finding someone who is a friend or someone who can be an advocate might be important. I am only out to a few people but just to know that if I need to I can talk about this bucket of shit with them is in itself galvanising.
        We are with you, young missy.

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