Where To From Here

While I am writing this to myself, I am also posting it here. Im not sure just who should read it because I dont know what might trigger someone. So please, proceed with caution and if need be get out. I couldn’t stand knowing someone had been hurt because of what I write here.

 

 

 

The past several weeks have been harder than I am willing to admit. Much of my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Much of this is family issues and I don’t feel comfortable discussing it without permission but suffice it to say I have been forced to stand face to face with sides of me I have never been completely comfortable with. Along the way I have had every issue, thought, fear, and memory dredged up from the past to mock and condemn me. Not just during the waking hours but even in my dreams.

I cannot get away and I’m not sure if I really want to anymore. Just let these demons devour me and be done with it.

I am tired beyond words, exhausted in every way possible. Most of the time I can’t concentrate. My focus wonders to the point I have lost track of where I am while driving. I have lost days, even entire weeks where I have no memory of what was said or done. Things simply disappear into a haze.

Now, if you’re familiar with what being transgender entails, then most likely you have heard of de-transitioning or reverting to your birth gender. Sometimes it is a conscious decision, other times it is a matter of circumstance. Things conspire to make it difficult to continue living as your target gender.

Things which are often beyond your control.

In my case things spiraled out of control. They were happening so fast it was difficult to keep ahead of them and not be steamrolled. As a result I didn’t have the time or the means to present as anything other than male, even to the point I was unable to shave for an entire month. I wonder if you can understand what this does to a person? How, suddenly, you are faced with an image of yourself as your worst nightmare. A monster waiting in every reflection, cast in every shadow.

Every moment.

Every day.

Day

After

Day.

 

This has been difficult enough even if it had been the only thing I have been dealing with. What makes it even more so is this has been the latest in a series of issues going back months… years, well pretty much my entire life up to this point. I have spent countless hours researching. Learning just what I’ve been dealing with and how to overcome those challenges. Countless hours more watching and listening to others who have gone through some of what I have, trying to gain the tools I thought I needed. Sounds like a good thing to do, right? Well, it’s pretty much useless as long as you don’t believe in yourself. When you don’t trust yourself, your judgment, even you own thoughts and emotions. There are always those little whispering voices telling you you’re not good enough, you’re not worth enough. Telling you you’re a fool. delusional, misinformed, misremembering, taking events and words out of context or just plain wrong.

Telling you you’re too stupid to make such decisions on your own… after all, look at all the times you’ve been wrong in the past. How many times you couldn’t do even the simplest things without messing them up.

For Gods sake, you couldn’t even kill yourself right!

You’re useless!

You’re worthless!

You’re pointless!

No one wants to hear. No one wants to listen, NO ONE CARES!

 

It would have been better if you had never been born.

 

I am at the point where I don’t believe continuing this fight is even worth it. In the end nothing will have changed.

 

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Where To From Here

  1. I’m too far away to offer anything other than moral support, but you have it. You’re not worthless. I know hearing it from a virtual friend won’t make those feelings go away (boy, do I know it), but I hope this might help a little spark of hope turn into a flame for you. Take care.

  2. So much pain! How brave you are! And strong!
    I stand in awe of your resilience.
    At the same time my heart breaks for you, and for the others who share similar pain.
    Love to you, from a ciswomen who’s never known the struggle you do.

  3. I read in the comments that you’re trying to get an appointment with your therapist. I think that’s a sound decision. A therapist can help you sort it all out and enable you to feel your worth. My problems were different but my therapist helped me tremendously! I wish you the best. Hugs.

    1. I’ve been going to this therapist for years and she has been very helpful. My problem is feeling as if I’m wasting her time because I’m too messed up to be fixed.

  4. Know that you are not alone. There are unknown numbers of transgender folks, (some who have been silent for various reasons), who are going through the same experience.

    BTW, you are NEVER too messed up to be fixed.

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