In the past I would have began this post with a warning regarding how much time I have had to think. Well, I have had plenty of time and I have done a great deal of thinking but believe the results will be different.
Taking a step back and really listening to my heart, not all of the noise, made me come to some self understanding. You see, I finally asked myself the one question which matters once everything else has been stripped away, “Do I want to live?”
For most people I assume this would be rhetorical.
Sadly for too many, myself included, it requires a level of brutal honesty I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I have had to rip off the blinders and look at myself from the inside out, past to present. To consider where I am now, where I once thought I would be and where I want to go in the future or if I even want there to be a future.
I don’t want to come across as being flippant, but deciding to do this made me realize this was a life or death decision. In fact I asked myself if I wanted to live or not. If I choose life it would mean shedding the past and fully, unreservedly, and unapologetically embracing Kira. Up until now I tried to do so with reservations and conditions. I kept her wrapped in mourning cloths of regret and shame. Held by chains of a past for which she was never responsible.
Part of this has been dealing with the past, one which cannot be changed, which is dead and gone, holding no more power than I grant it… actually what ‘He’ granted it. By embracing my true self fully ‘His’ power becomes null and void. ‘His’ sins are not mine, those scars and wounds are ‘His’.
Don’t misunderstand me, I am not going to forget. There have been too many hard earned lessons. However, if I want to live it means shedding him and his past like the dead skin they are. If I were to insist on carrying them any further hey will drag me down into a hell from which I will never escape. I’ve done so for far too long. It is time to move into the future and leave the past behind.
So to answer my own question; What do I want to do? I want to live. To do so outside of the shadow he cast for far too long, free of everything he represented. I am ready to stand on my own, to walk in my light and cast my own shadow.
I want to live.
I am and shall forever more be; KIRA