I am and shall forever more be; KIRA

In the past I would have began this post with a warning regarding how much time I have had to think. Well, I have had plenty of time and I have done a great deal of thinking but believe the results will be different.

Taking a step back and really listening to my heart, not all of the noise, made me come to some self understanding. You see, I finally asked myself the one question which matters once everything else has been stripped away, Do I want to live?”

For most people I assume this would be rhetorical.

Sadly for too many, myself included, it requires a level of brutal honesty I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I have had to rip off the blinders and look at myself from the inside out, past to present. To consider where I am now, where I once thought I would be and where I want to go in the future or if I even want there to be a future.

I dont want to come across as being flippant, but deciding to do this made me realize this was a life or death decision. In fact I asked myself if I wanted to live or not. If I choose life it would mean shedding the past and fully, unreservedly, and unapologetically embracing Kira. Up until now I tried to do so with reservations and conditions. I kept her wrapped in mourning cloths of regret and shame. Held by chains of a past for which she was never responsible.

Part of this has been dealing with the past, one which cannot be changed, which is dead and gone, holding no more power than I grant it actually what He granted it. By embracing my true self fully His power becomes null and void. His sins are not mine, those scars and wounds are His

Donmisunderstand me, I am not going to forget. There have been too many hard earned lessons. However, if I want to live it means shedding him and his past like the dead skin they are. If I were to insist on carrying them any further hey will drag me down into a hell from which I will never escape. I’ve done so for far too long. It is time to move into the future and leave the past behind.

So to answer my own question; What do I want to do? I want to live. To do so outside of the shadow he cast for far too long, free of everything he represented. I am ready to stand on my own, to walk in my light and cast my own shadow.

I want to live. 

As myself.

I am and shall forever more be; KIRA

5 thoughts on “I am and shall forever more be; KIRA

  1. *

    Allow this effort at cheerleading.

    Transition involves self-reflection. Apparently ‘he’ was not a very nice ‘boy’. You now see more than making Kira a mere female ‘him’; you want yourself to be a better person, otherwise there is little point to Transition.

    Ask yourself questions that require serious thought. What kind of person was ‘he’? What kind of person do I want Kira to be? What do I need to do to get there?

    Shed the negative from who ‘he’ was. Build Kira into a better person.

    Maybe you don’t know it, you need not follow every step exactly, AA people provide structure.

    ‘He’ will always be you, your persona from your past. ‘He’ can also make you a better person.

    Thus, your past will be part of your past, you will shed him where his influence could harm your future, you can embrace learning from him that contribute to a better you.


    1. This may be a tad late but I want you to know I understand ‘he’ will always be a part of me. As I said, I cannot undo the past… what has been done is done but my thoughts at this point are I also do not need to drape myself with it like chains, which is what I have done until now. The problem is those chains, that past, that person was never going to be satisfied until we both were dead.
      I don’t know if all of this sounds as crazy to you as it does to me, but I know it is the truth. Sometimes the thing you trust most to protect you turns out to be your greatest enemy.
      I hung onto ‘him’ far longer than i should have because I had come to believe I needed ‘him’ more than I needed to accept and embrace myself. I had to finally confront myself and ask what I really wanted, deep in the depths of my soul and if I was willing to pay the price to gain it.
      The answer is, I want to live and I want to so so as myself, as the person I was always meant to be… Kira. (Not that the name matters, it’s what it stands for, who it it is for.) I could never do so as long as allowed poison to flow through my veins, to continue to give space in my heart to fear, anger, and hate. I was afraid of loosing what I had been, was angry with myself for being weak and afraid all why hating everything I had been and ‘he’ embodied every aspect of what I loathed the most.
      If I am to move forward, if I am to live at all, I need to cast all of it aside and leave it in the past where it belongs.
      I cannot unlearn the lessons I have learned and I wouldn’t want to, they came at too high a price, but I do so without guilt or remorse.

      Thank you for everything,

  2. An you will always and forever be loved as Kira .. keep in mind, those who love you as Kira are the people you need in your life. Those who don’t … toss the out!! Hugs, love and kisses!! ❤ ❤ … BTW, awesome pic!! Beautiful ….

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