I enjoy sharing inspirational quotes, memes, and posts. Doing so makes me feel as if I am contributing to humanity in some small way. I may never meet or hear from anyone who may have found some pleasure from anything I have posted, I can only hope they exist.
The funny thing is, I read these too and many more nearly every day. Here, on Facebook, even Twitter and I will nod and agree what is said is true… hell, I might convince myself for a moment I actually believe them and will use them to improve my own sense of self worth, but the truth is, such feelings quickly fade leaving me once more where I started…
The truth is, I am sick of all the doubts, fears, and questions which fill my thoughts. I am tired beyond words of convincing myself I am worth the time and energy I spend trying to keep my head above water when it seems there is a core of lead in my heart intent on pulling me under.
Time and time again I will rise up and scream my defiance only to find myself sliding back into the darkness, convinced I can put things aside, push them back into the shadows wile pretending I am not who I am… not what I am. As if turning my back on the truth will somehow prove it to be a lie.
What’s worse is n doing so I have found myself doing the one thing I swore I would never do… become like my mother. Yet here I am having to face the truth of being every bit as much of a manipulative bitch as she ever was. To know I have been an abuser just as she was. It doesn’t matter if I did it deliberately or not, I have hurt the people around me in ways I can never repair.
Now, as much as I might have distrusted myself before, it is nothing compared to now. Every thought, word, or emotion is suspect.
I simply cannot trust myself.
I’m not sharing this for pity or sympathy, I don’t want or need to be the center of attention… I only hope you can understand why I’m no longer comfortable writing personal posts.