Part of reflection is comparing what is with what was. It looks simple on paper but is much more difficult in practice, especially when your past is shattered and broken to the point where you can’t find all the pieces. It is even more difficult when so many of the ones you hold in your had look identical to the ones scatter for as far as you can see.
It’s interesting when I think of how I saw myself as a shattered fortress with once strong walls reduced to rubble following one of my more serious breakdowns. All was complete destruction for as far as I could see, In that moment I didn’t recognize myself as being so much as human as an empty shell, a false face presented to fool the world when all I was doing was fooling myself. You see, I knew there were cracks in the shell, in the illusion I had created, ones which foretold my demise and yet I was certain I could repair them, becoming stronger in the process when in truth I was becoming weaker, more brittle. , not even a
It wasn’t the first time I wanted or tried to do harm to myself, to embrace the peace of oblivion and it wouldn’t be the last. It was however, the time when I lost the most of myself.
I’m not surprised to find so much slipped away without me noticing. For more years than I can remember there had been an endless storm of pure chaos blasting my mind, thoughts, and memories like a sandstorm wearing a mountain down until it was nothing.
Now I sit here wondering who I was, having no idea who I am now.