Into The Darkness Again

I’m not sure if I should be writing this, with the way my day has gone I am in a dark place. In fact, if I had to choose a picture to represent my state of mind it would be a dark, evil, cursed swamp…

I have been overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, and dysphoria. This wasn’t the only time I have had these feelings… I’ve had them pretty steadily since the beginning of the year but today it was more pronounced… to the point where I nearly became physically ill. I still feel like hell.

I did spend time talking with A and everything made sense to my head… it just hasn’t convinced my heart. 

There are things I haven’t been writing about lately because the last time I did I offended someone. Now it may seem silly to let a single negative comment affect me, especially on my own blog, but it did… and still does. The main problem was I didn’t make it clear what I was feeling and then sharing was completely about me and was in no way intended to express my thoughts or feelings regarding anyone else. Many of the things which burrow through my brain never reach beyond my own skin. I have never looked at or listened to another trans person and had the same thoughts regarding them and I never will. So, if you read beyond this point then understand, these are issues I am dealing with and in no way reflect my feelings toward the trans community as a whole. My only hope is maybe someone will read this having had the same doubts and fears as I and will know they are not alone.

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As of this writing I have not undergone any medical intervention, though I would like to start hormones at some point. Maybe taking that small step will help with all these issues. As it stands though, nothing has changed physically and it is constantly causing me problems.

Looking in the mirror, changing clothes, or showering are all constant reminder it doesn’t matter one wit how I see myself in my minds eye or how much I might wish, dream, scream or cry, my exterior does not and cannot reflect these things. It is then the dark voices in my head tell me “nothing has changed and it never will.” I will die being seen as I was in life. The name on my obituary will one I never wanted and didn’t truly belong to me regardless of how hard I tried to live up to expectations.

I understand I can socially transition. I can change my appearance, pronouns, even my name. Yet in the end I will have done nothing more than exchange one costume for another and I just can’t do it. It would be as hollow an existence as the one I am living now.

I cannot express how much this hurts. It is slowly tearing me apart from the inside out.

I have survived a number of complete breakdowns but I know there is coming a point where I will not come out the other side and there is a part of me which will welcome it with open arms.

God, I am so tired. Tired of being tired. Of the questions, the doubt, and fears. I am tired of the endless swirl of emotions, of wanting, dreaming, hoping… The endless fog of wishes and unanswered prayers. I am tired of hurting this much… all of the time.

More and more I have found myself thinking I just want all of this to end. I want to awake on day and all of this be a bad memory fading with the morning light…

But even this desire is denied me.

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5 thoughts on “Into The Darkness Again

  1. Kira, I did not mean to upset you previously, though it certainly appears I did. So let me try a different tack this time, ok?

    First, about social transition – you feel that is just exchanging one costume for another. I understand that feeling though I know some trans women who would disagree. But may I ask why you feel that way about social transition? Is this something you can put into words? If not, don’t stress about it, but writing (or talking) about why one feels a certain way can sometimes open pathways about why we feel that way, and understanding why can then help us deal with that.

    Next, you state you want to start medical intervention. For just a moment, let’s assume you did that. Would you still feel that you’re just exchanging one costume for another? If yes, can you tell us all why you feel that way? If not, what would be different? And what aspect of medical transition do you seek? Or if you’ve not decided yet, that’s fine too. I’m just curious what you think right now.

    Let me state that when I began my transition, I thought I’d end up as a sad caricature of the woman I wanted to be. I already accepted that I was older and wasn’t going to be a 20-something model, but still I felt I’d come out horribly. Nonetheless, I was at that point where I knew I had to try, or simply give up on life.

    I am glad I did. I’ve been told I am attractive. I get presumed to be a cisgender woman all the time. And I am very comfortable with my life at this point. But if I’d listened to my doubts, I never would have started.

    All that I can tell you is that tens of thousands of us have had similar doubts but we pressed onward and we found our doubts were just noise in the wind, and that the reality of our transition far exceeded our expectations.

    I encourage you to press forward. Standing still is where these doubts are coming from and why you are still having them years after I began following your blog. I cannot help but think that moving forward will be a big but positive and important step for your sense of well-being.

    1. Kira I wish you true inner peace and self acceptance. I cannot imagine being in your situation but I feel your pain in your words. Don’t isolate yourself, be among people who respect you and are sincere. Never give up

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