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Trying To Understand

I apologize if this turns into a rambling mess. Right now I’m not sure what I am feeling or why. I just know it seems as though I’ve been drained not only of energy but of any vision of who or what I want to be when this is over.

Not so long ago I felt confident in the path I was following but lately, when I look inside all I find is a blank space. Where I could close my eyes and see myself as I have for so long, now the canvas is empty. Where I could let my mind go quiet and I could hear my voice clearly, now only silence answers me. When I cast out to understand the ways in which I experience the world, everything blends together… past and present until it seems as though who I am know has never changed from who I was for so long even though all those memories have been colored by thoughts and expectations I could never fully understand or relate to. In too many ways I feel as separated from what a part of me thought I should be as from what the world and those around me believed I should have been. As if there was an invisible wall between us.

For so long I would catch the briefest of glimpses of my deepest self or at least what I thought it was. A movement, a glance, a turn of phrase. A thought, a hope, even the fading memory of a dream. Now, all of these things leave me feeling more empty than I can fully express and dreams leave me with a lingering sadness which often carries throughout the day.

Now I sit here and try to convey this sadness to you so someone might understand…

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3 thoughts on “Trying To Understand

  1. In a way I do understand were your coming from its easy to lose are selves in this everyday world with all the streas of dealing with every day Life.
    I started my jurny 7 months ago to better my life and so I could transitione now I’m just lost in noman’s land and I don’t even think about who I really am or transitioning any more. ❤️✌️

    BY FOR NOW

  2. I find it so easy to relate to your feelings. I have finally reached a point in my life where I no longer need care about whether or not my employment is in jeopardy because of who I am or how I present in public, even though I have tremendous highs, there re enough lows to question my direction. Being denied the option to be my authentic self for so many years, I have found it easy to work toward transition as an obsession, more than simply being the person that I wanted to be, in the present moment. I was neglecting so many things that were part of my male past, because I thought it necessary to be authentic, and that caused a lot of emptiness. Some wonderful genetic female friends helped me so much by validating my the talents and abilities, I avoided because I considered them too “Male”, and invalidating my femme self. Another thing that has helped me is mindfulness meditation, that helps me focus on the moment and cease worry about other’s perceptions, my past, and future.

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