Personal, Transgender

Weekend Wind Down

I know I’m not where I need to be. I would say not where I want to be but I’m not sure where that is. Right now it feels as though I have fallen back into survival mode, just trying to make it from one day to the next… well, sometimes it’s one hour or even one second to the next. 

I talked with my therapist and she said what I knew deep down, I have to start pushing back on all the negative thoughts and emotions. I have to learn to not only think I have value, I need to reach the point where I believe it. Not such an easy thing to do when you have more than five decades of accepting such things as truth. A lifetime of having every moment judged and found wanting… A lifetime of defeating yourself with nothing more than a thought. Of being convinced all of your hopes and dreams are beyond your grasp because you’re not good enough… will never be good enough. I suppose despite everything there were some lessons I learned too well. 

I need to learn to trust myself, my thoughts and emotions. To be able to follow my heart where ever it leads. 

This is important for more reasons than just transitioning. It is the core of being happy with myself regardless of any other factors, after all, even if I were to become female from my atoms outwards I would still have these issues to deal with. I was never so foolish as to think estrogen was some magic drug which would make everything better.

This really hit me today after I met some more of my partners family for the first time in over twenty years.

This became something  important to me because it has been a long time since I did anything visible to be seen as female and though it has progressively bothering more and more I have done nothing to change course. I can give you a dozen excuses as to why but that is what they would be, excuses. The truth is I’m not sure what is going on deep inside myself. I’m sure much of it has to do with the things I talked about in the beginning of this post, but I also know I don’t trust myself and I don’t respect myself enough to try and gain that trust… and yet, the thought of anyone seeing me or knowing me as anything other than Kira makes me physically ill. It drive a darkness so deep into my heart I can barely catch my breath and so I told them. I showed them pictures. I spoke a little about myself and admitted to going through a rough time at the moment and it did help a little. 

After I returned home I’ve done little but think about what happened. If this is so important to me then why can I not do what I need to do? Why does the thought of presenting correctly seem to drain me of all of my energy and will power? Why do I give up before I’ve started?

Of course this sets me off down an all too familiar path of self incrimination, self loathing, self hatred, and in the end I am left with unshed tears and no answers.

You know, I am sick to death of this but I don’t know how to break free. 

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15 thoughts on “Weekend Wind Down

  1. Learning self love is the hardest trick of all my dear sister, iv been there Kira so I know what you’re gone throw learning to love your self is the first step the rest will fall into place after that, it took me two decades to find my true self and year’s to learn to love my self but like anyone I still have my good and bad days dealing with life and my self. 😘❤️✌️

    BY FOR NOW

  2. My Journey is different, but your feelings sound familiar. I have never imagined myself as fully transitioning, (whatever that means) but am fortunate to be able to generally present and live my live as I please. I have an understanding partner and a community of supportive accepting friends, but just when I think I am in my feeling of completeness, something will occur, that knocks me out of that feeling, and into the “Questioning Zone”. Those times are often not so much about how I feel about myself, but how I think I am being perceived. This is not about whether or not I am able to “Pass” as I feel I am beyond that, but how I feel authentically me at that time. It is that questioning that gets me, and causes me pain and self-doubt.
    I don’t know if this is helpful for you, but i have lately been working in staying in the present moment, trying to look at each of these instances realistically. First, am I safe? Second, is anyone really doing something to me, or is it my perception. Three, will this pass, if I just take some deep breaths? Four, can I love myself enough to be myself, and not depend on others for my feelings of happiness and validation?
    I know this may seem very simplistic, but in many cases it has worked, although it has taken much practice and coaching from my therapist and my partner.
    I wish you much love

    Carla

  3. For what it is worth Kira , I think this post is very insightful.
    You may still not have spoken out, not told the world about who you really are but you have a pretty good idea of the terrefying reasons that stop you and the need to overcome them whether you come out or not.
    Would it be easier to share your fears and come out to just one person, family or trusted friend, just to see if your whole world would explode? It might give you confidence to then come out to another and so on.
    I saw a show on Netflix last night by Hannah Gatsby, an Australian comedian who identifies as lesbian. It was at the Sydney Opera House. Comedy does not define it. It was raw, tragic yet offering deep insights into the way we traumatise LGBTIQ people. Try to watch it if possible.
    The reason I mention it is the trauma you experienced is common to many. Thus it is obvious that:
    This is not unique to you
    This is just what happens when your society teaches you that you are an outsider
    There are some people who understand and want to help the outsider heal and feel included

    And one day you will be a beacon for the rest of us who share some parts of trauma. We need each other missy as we sit together on this little life boat.
    Love,
    Geraldine

    • Actually I am “out”, many people, family and friends alike know “who” I am. I have also been in the real world presenting as my true self off and on for more than a year.
      Even with all this I still don’t trust myself and haven’t truly accepted myself.

  4. Hi Kira, I am here as an ally, as a feminist who recognises and supports trans sisters fully, and as a mother. It took me a long time to understand (and there is a lot more to learn) about your journey as a transgender woman – but also that each person’s journey is individual; and that they must own it too, to have a voice and agency. With much media attention focusing on appearances, the inner reality that a trans woman is inherently female, tends to be overlooked I think. So, with this in mind, I hope you will trust in the girl who grew up to be you – and in your feminine psyche, your inner beauty. Best wishes, from ThisPoet, at visionsfromhell.wordpress.com

      • The Invisible Girl
        A girl draws her dream dress
        and matching shoes in
        strawberry scented red,
        and self portraits too:
        beautiful princesses with
        wide smiles and long hair.

        She rubs out most of them
        or scribbles over their faces,
        leaves them in crumpled piles.
        But sometimes they are good
        enough to keep and hide,
        only for her eyes.

        Sometimes the girl
        hits out at the bully
        in the mirror who
        is slowly killing her;
        the only child her parents
        seem to care about.

        She can’t find herself anywhere
        – and no one else can see.
        It will be years before
        she finds the word that
        makes her visible:
        as a transgender girl.

        I wrote this poem and wondered whether you could give me your views on it, hope you like it best wishes TP

  5. Keep writing!

    Add some good things about yourself!

    You “get to”…

    I’m so proud of you!

    Breathe.
    Often it’s as simple as celebrating breathing!

    ☀️
    Sending hugs, because you deserve them.

    A smile. 😁
    Corny! But you deserve that smile too!

    Keep up the great work of sharing.

    🐾🐾🐾 K

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