While the Dragon Sleeps

The other day, as I tried to rest, some thoughts slipped into my mind. Unlike so many thoughts and dreams these did not fade once I arose. 

First was knowing there will never be a pill, potion, or secret government lab which will transform this body into the form I desire. There will be no deal with the devil or god to reach down and answer my desires or prayers. What I have is what I have been given and I will take it to my grave.

Second to cross my mind was flashes of all the times wanting to be female coursed through my veins and I realized there was a recurring pattern. Much like a dragon from a fantasy story, this desire will rise up from its restless sleep and reign terror all over the unsuspecting land, upsetting lives and destroying everything in sight. Then one day, for what seems to be no reason at all, it would return to its hidden lair and fall to sleep once more. At first all anyone can think about is the dragon and if it will return but as time passes fears turn to stories, then legends, and then myth until it passes from memory all together…

Until the dragon awakes once more.

This last time, which has been going on for years now, is the longest I have struggled with the beast… then again, I have been constantly poking at it with a sharp stick.

Maybe not the smartest decision I ever made.


8 thoughts on “While the Dragon Sleeps

  1. I can’t begin to understand exactly what you are going through.

    That being said, I know for a fact that you’re not alone. There are untold tens of thousands of people in your situation. I know many women personally who struggle with the same cruel reality; that their bodies will continue to betray their very souls… That the woman they know themselves to be will never look back at them from the bathroom mirror… That the forces that took possession of their bodies at puberty have left an indelible stain.

    It must sometimes occur to each of them at times that their struggle to be whom they feel in the deepest parts of them is a losing battle, a fool’s errand, a futile pursuit of a fantasy.

    And altho everyone deals with this in their own way, coming to terms with the daily frustrations is never easy.

    You know who you are, but knowing how to get there from where you find yourself, is an exercise in pure and indomitable will, which can often be so exhausting as to entertain the notion of surrendering.

    Only you can and must walk your path. And if that path is fraught with pitfalls, false starts, detours, and sinkholes, only you can traverse the miles.

    Many people have those who stand by, ready to lend an arm when their friends are wearied to the point of collapse. But…

    In the end, you must know your truth beyond a reasonable doubt, and journey forth to claim it. And if it seems you are alone, know that the same things you feel, similar pains and trials, are being experienced right now by countless others in the same situation.

    Hang in there… Often it is our monsters (our dragons) that hello use grow.

  2. Maybe it’s the other way around dear the dragon is poking you to awaken dear ??

    Read my blog ” Finding self love ” Kira it may give you a new perspective on things, as one trans person to another I know what you’re gone throw Kira. ❤️✌️


  3. I don’t really know what to say. I know that there aren’t enough words to express what you are going through but I want you to know if I could, I’d hug you. Hugs. Lots of hugs and hang in there. Take Care.

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