July is coming to a close. Sometimes I am surprised at how quickly times seems to fly by, then again I shouldn’t be as I have lost so much of it as it slips away unnoticed…
Almost surprising is how long ago I came out. Was it really over six years ago now or was it just yesterday? It often feels like no time at all or a lifetime. Either way I feel as if I have run my course.
I am always exhausted as if I haven’t slept in a hundred years or more. My dreams bring no solace. I awake feeling saddened, confused, and lost. It’s almost as if I had something within my grasp only to have it slip away.
Days pass as endless thoughts, questions, doubts, and fears churn through my thoughts and no matter how hard I try to stop it, wondering who I am, what I may or may not be seeps into every moment and I am sick of it. I am sick of how it burns through everything leaving nothing behind but ashes and regrets. No matter what I am doing or why it is there, a shadow I cannot shake.
I don’t want any of this anymore.
No more thoughts of anything LGBT, trans, gender, identity, or what any of it means… that’s what I pray for every night and fear every day. I don’t care about putting anything back into a box or fitting into some preconceived notion of who or what I should be. I just want to leave it all on the side of the road, an unwanted burden soon forgotten.