An Unwanted Burden

July is coming to a close. Sometimes I am surprised at how quickly times seems to fly by, then again I shouldn’t be as I have lost so much of it as it slips away unnoticed…

Almost surprising is how long ago I came out. Was it really over six years ago now or was it just yesterday? It often feels like no time at all or a lifetime. Either way I feel as if I have run my course. 

I am always exhausted as if I haven’t slept in a hundred years or more. My dreams bring no solace. I awake feeling saddened, confused, and lost. It’s almost as if I had something within my grasp only to have it slip away.

Days pass as endless thoughts, questions, doubts, and fears churn through my thoughts and no matter how hard I try to stop it, wondering who I am, what I may or may not be seeps into every moment and I am sick of it. I am sick of how it burns through everything leaving nothing behind but ashes and regrets. No matter what I am doing or why it is there, a shadow I cannot shake. 

I don’t want any of this anymore. 

No more thoughts of anything LGBT, trans, gender, identity, or what any of it means… that’s what I pray for every night and fear every day. I don’t care about putting anything back into a box or fitting into some preconceived notion of who or what I should be. I just want to leave it all on the side of the road, an unwanted burden soon forgotten.

4 thoughts on “An Unwanted Burden

  1. Kira I like the caption in the accompanying picture. Maybe much of your readership does understand some or all of your pain. But that’s not what our common bond and concern is based on, but caring.
    We can’t give you very much advice but know we care missy.

  2. Advice always seems so one sided to me, based on someone else’s point of view that never quite touches how you may feel. Instead, i offer you the same as Geraldine, my caring. That stems from compassion and understanding and those things are life lines when life conjures up a storm that seems to swallow your soul. There are people out there that do care. Draw from their strength.

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