Lost

There have been so many times I have wished I could leave my past behind me, all of the memories and emotions. The faces and whispering memories of disappointment looks and cutting words. All of the lost hopes and dreams. Yet when I pause even for a second I find they are right behind me waiting for a moment of weakness.

The occasional stillness within is proven to be the quiet in the eye of the storm.

Since I have never known anything other than constant doubt, fear, and pain, I cannot say if this is true for anyone else. I simply know it is my reality and trying to rise above it has proven pointless as the darkness arises each time to engulf me.

I bring this up to explain why it seems I cannot push forward to become who or what I could be. Why, as soon as it seems I might find happiness and acceptance of myself it is all ripped away in a cataclysm of pain and self loathing. 

It leaves me wondering how I can ever come to terms with being transgender when all I can do is rip myself apart with claws and teeth of my own making. Then again it might not make a difference when I can’t help thinking transitioning won’t make a difference, I’ll be just as broken as I am now.

6 thoughts on “Lost

  1. It sounds as if you may be bypoler/ manic depression that can count for the iner feeling of dispare and self lothing, it gets to me from time to time as well but I’ve learned to push throw it and keep gone, you may need mode stabilizers or antidepressants to help you out. 🌹

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

    1. Although I’m not bipolar, I do have clinical depression as well as PTSD and anxiety along with some other mixed and matched issues. I am in therapy and taking medication. It doesn’t eliminate the symptoms, but make them more manageable most of the time.

  2. Well then it sounds like you need more therapy time or better meds or both dear.
    Sorry your having such a hard time dear, I hope things get better for you soon. 🌹

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

  3. Lovely to read dawnautom’s response. Yes we each have our own bucket of shit. And I find it comforting when we accept that fact and then realise it doesn’t repulse others but actually bonds us altogether.
    No clever answers missy. Just solidarity.
    Geraldine

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