Yes, I went to my therapy appointment today. I’m not sure if it amounted to much other than resetting my sessions from every two weeks back to each week.  As I mentioned to therapist, trying to go more than a week at a time seems to invite disaster in one form or another.

Today was mostly catching up. Going over my feelings of becoming emotionally unstable . It did help a little talking to someone face to face though I am left to worry about where things are going.  Even though it has been some time since I last felt this way, I remember it all too well. Feeling as if I am walking on a knife edge, my nerves strung so tightly it makes my entire body vibrate. The smallest, simplest things will set my teeth on edge, peoples voices tearing across my senses like sandpaper on raw nerves.

It would be bad enough if this was all I had to deal with but it isn’t. Every moment I stop, regardless of the reason, a thousand other things crowd my mind, demanding energy I simply don’t have.

The additional stress comes from thinking about gender issues, what is right, wrong, which direction I should go if any at all.  What happens if decided to not continue to transition? Could I survive? Are many of these issues related to having stopped at this point or is it the only thing keeping me from completely coming apart?

Regardless, I feel not having these things under some semblance of control is going to lead to a very bad ending. After all, while there are things transitioning will help with, it is not a cure all and expecting to wake up to a happily ever after is a recipe for disaster. I have to be able to understand and accept it for what it is… and what it is not. 

4 thoughts on “09-26-2019

  1. Relieved that you saw your therapist but sad to hear you are still anxious. For what it is worth, your thinking on outcomes and expectations seems sound. We are here with you missy.

  2. Hay Kira,
    That’s good too hear, ya the transitioning dalima can be a stressful thing to deal with we all go throw it, I’ve been there to the point where I felt like I was going to explode if something didn’t give, maybe that is something you need to focus on in therapy to help came your nirves down. 🌹


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