It’s a strange sensation when you have dreamed your whole life of making a living through being able to communicate with the world through images and words then finding, when you need them most, art and language slip through your fingers like smoke and dreams.
Sitting here I grasp for a thread of thought to follow, a first step toward those future miles which stretch out before me. A way to get all those thoughts and emotions into a form I can place here, on this electronic page, which might help to bring them into focus, not just for me but also to anyone who may read them.
It’s true, some things are easier said than done.
I mentioned before, I find I am disappointed in myself, I still am, because it seems I am at a standstill in too many ways. I know there are things I need to do to move forward yet I can’t gather the energy to do any of them. In fact, too many days I wake up and by the time I ready for bed it seems as if I haven’t done even the simplest of things. Of course if I make the mistake of telling myself “tomorrow I will do x, y, or z then as sure as the sun rises in the East, something happens to completely derails my plans and usually leaves me a complete wreak. More often than not, when this happens I am buried in the certainty I was just a fool for ever thinking I might find some small measure of happiness and just entertaining such thoughts is a sure way for whatever powers that be to punish me for daring to reach above myself.
Now there are some small things I can get accomplished, though they will take a great deal of time to complete, such as going through decades worth of accumulated stuff and disposing of all the things I haven’t even seen, let alone touched in recent memory. Simply I need to downsize and simplify. This is true of both material things as well as emotional baggage, all of which I have stubbornly insisted on dragging around for no good reason at all.
Well, I do understand why this has been such a painful issue for me; there has been several times throughout my life when I have lost everything except for the very clothes on my back. More than once due to trusting people who didn’t deserve my trust and some as a result of my mental issues which lead to me to being homeless on one occasion and if you have never been there, let me assure you, it leaves some very deep and painful scars which take a long time to heal. Still, enough time as passed for me to do something about this without being too painful. (That’s my hope at least.)
Maybe the most difficult thing I face now is convincing myself it’s okay for me to continue with my transition. That it’s okay for me to dare to raise my hand and reach for happiness despite, (or in spite of), those same powers that be which seem to delight in breaking my spirit.
This isn’t going to be easy, simple, or painless, (maybe not bloodless either) and there is a good chance I am going to fail but I won’t know if I never try.