I am so tired all I want is to close my eyes and let the darkness envelop me. No thoughts nor dreams, just silence. Yes, much of this is physical exhaustion from a long day trying to do too much, yet it isn’t only this. There is a mental exhaustion which has ben digging deeper and deeper into my heart and soul until I find myself fading out in the most dangerous times. At some point I expect it’s going to get me seriously injured if not killed, which to be honest might just be what something deep inside wants.
See, I have been trying to go back to how things were before all of this insanity began, to the time when I simply existed from one day to the next never having explored the parts of myself I have spent so much time writing about in this blog, To the days when all of the questions didn’t have answers as much because I didn’t know what to ask as not excepting what answers I had found. To the when I simply excepted what I had been told since I was old enough to remember. That I was born one way and it was something to accepted, unchanging and unchangeable.
God, things were so simple then.
For the better part of this year I have moved between wanting, no needing, to follow where my heart leads and slamming on the breaks for days and weeks at a time when I refuse to do anything. Of telling myself I have been wrong, misdirected, delusional, or just plain insane. Anything to convince myself I can continue without following a path which terrifies me to my very core. Which forces me to look deeper than my reflection in a mirror to ask not only what I am but who I am really when all pretense has been stripped away and I don’t know if I can survive what I might find.
Maybe I don’t even want to, just waking up seems to take every ounce of energy I possess to keep from breaking down and just giving up.