Maybe I Can’t Do This After all.

I am so tired all I want is to close my eyes and let the darkness envelop me. No thoughts nor dreams, just silence. Yes, much of this is physical exhaustion from a long day trying to do too much, yet it isn’t only this. There is a mental exhaustion which has ben digging deeper and deeper into my heart and soul until I find myself fading out in the most dangerous times. At some point I expect it’s going to get me seriously injured if not killed, which to be honest might just be what something deep inside wants.

See, I have been trying to go back to how things were before all of this insanity began, to the time when I simply existed from one day to the next never having explored the parts of myself I have spent so much time writing about in this blog, To the days when all of the questions didn’t have answers as much because I didn’t know what to ask as not excepting what answers I had found. To the when I simply excepted what I had been told since I was old enough to remember. That I was born one way and it was something to accepted, unchanging and unchangeable.

God, things were so simple then.

For the better part of this year I have moved between wanting, no needing, to follow where my heart leads and slamming on the breaks for days and weeks at a time when I refuse to do anything. Of telling myself I have been wrong, misdirected, delusional, or just plain insane. Anything to convince myself I can continue without following a path which terrifies me to my very core. Which forces me to look deeper than my reflection in a mirror to ask not only what I am but who I am really when all pretense has been stripped away and I don’t know if I can survive what I might find.

Maybe I don’t even want to, just waking up seems to take every ounce of energy I possess to keep from breaking down and just giving up.

8 thoughts on “Maybe I Can’t Do This After all.

  1. People wonder why it took me so long from between first hearing of the concept of being trans, to actually transitioning. “Because I didn’t want to explore those feelings”, and “because at that point in my life more immediate and more important things needed my attention”(like work, food, shelter) sadly are taken seriously.

  2. I think everyone is mostly in the same boat ❤ I think we all thought after 2020 that maybe things would get better straight away, and they're kind of the same stream of things, lol

  3. I hope you rebound in strength! I battle gender dysphoria and bi polar. I’m fortunate to have a wonderful accepting partner and long term therapist.

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