Let me apologize first if this reads as messed up as my thoughts have been today.
For much of this year I have fallen into a state of numbness I haven’t experienced for a very long time. More often than not it seems as though I haven’t had any drive to do more than survive one day to the next. This is something which happened every other time questions regarding my gender arose. I would spend days, sometimes weeks, wondering what it would be like to live my life as female. What it mean to be able to simply walk out the door as the person I felt myself to truly be under the mask I had learned to live with. As my true self, free of the costume I felt compelled to wear in a world I knew would never understand nor accept the truth.
Then I would carefully pack everything away until it faded from consciousness, returning to survival mode until it would unexpectedly rise up and once more leave me reeling with thoughts and fears I didn’t know how to face or reconcile.
It was a cycle which repeated itself over the years until I reached a breaking point I couldn’t recover from.
That was many years ago now. Time and again I have thought I had finally reached a point where going back was impossible, not only because I simply couldn’t but also because I wouldn’t want to.
If only things were so simple.
Today I find myself in a place where I just can’t push past, a place of numbness tinged with a hopelessness I can almost taste. It might be I simply cannot break free of a lifetime of doubt and fear and I will forever be bound by the chains which have bound me for so long.