I wonder how it is you can close your eyes for a moment and without realizing, ten years have passed.
With the new year beginning I thought it would be a good time to look back from where I started to where I am today and I admit I was surprised and more a little saddened to see I began this blog in 2012; yes, my first post was almost ten years ago this month and no, I haven’t yet garnered the courage to reread any of those ancient posts even though I know I need to.
Seeing those dates, I begin to understand why I have been feeling out of sorts, almost lost to the haze of making through each more day without understanding why. Why I am here, why I should stay, fighting with the whispering voices which tell me I should have been gone a long, long time ago.
Not the best thought to be dealing with when it’s the darkest, coldest time of year, yet here I am. Maybe it doesn’t help when so much in and outside my head gives me conflicting thoughts on what is best for me and anyone whose lives I have touched. My ideas of what I am doing and why. My understanding of what I do to others and then to hear from someone everything I thought is wrong, that more often than not, when I think I am doing what is best, it’s just the opposite and instead of whatever I had hoped to accomplish I’ve really been bringing pain and suffering.
(An example is being told my constant struggling with my gender and identity has ruined more than one Christmas.)
Of course, I now wonder what else I’ve managed to destroy over all these years. How many birthdays, anniversaries, gatherings, not to mention holidays and not seriously come to the conclusion I have far outstayed my welcome.
I have ripped myself apart inside and out to avoid disappointing anyone only to find I have done so much worse.
People keep telling me I just need to accept myself for who and what I am, (whoever and whatever that may be), yet how can I possible do so knowing what I now know?
I have been wrong about so much, for so long, there is no way I can ever trust myself to see reality, to hear truth, or feel real emotion.
Maybe, in the end, this entire journey was never about discovering my truth but the truth behind the lie I have lived for far too long.
~Kira Anne Moore