“Corado pointed to one crucial word in the study that deserves extra emphasis. ‘What does regular health care mean?’ she asked, then answered the question herself: ‘Preventable.’
Preventable problems, including HIV infection and some cancers, kill many people in this community. It’s harder for transgender people to find health care coverage, because it’s harder for them to find jobs. Social stigmas aside, consider the difficulty of getting hired if your gender does not appear to match the one on your legal ID. According to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Study, transgender people face an unemployment rate three times as high as the national average — 15 percent versus 5 percent.”
“Rachel Tudor, a transgender professor whose tenure and promotion was denied at Southeastern Oklahoma State University, was awarded $1.1 million by a federal jury on Monday in a landmark Title VII case.“
(Via. NBC News)
The last time I spoke with my therapist she said I was going to have to make a decision. I knew she was right, I had known it for a long time but there were things I had to understand about myself before I could do what was best for myself.
I haven’t worked through much of anything yet but one thing I know is I want to live.
“Video-maker Jackson Bird gave a TED Talk about why being transgender is so ‘awkward.’”
“For this year’s transgender awareness week I wanted to write about something that the transgender community and its allies are often afraid to discuss. Those who want to drive transgender people into the closet, legislate against us, and stigmatize us, talk about all the time in order further marginalize us. It is literally a matter of life and death”
It doesn’t matter what I say, think, or do, I find myself sinking deeper into depression and hopelessness.
“What an amazing feeling. It is the moment when someone addresses you with the correct pronoun, a ‘she’, or even a ‘miss’, or ‘ma’am’. It can be a ‘he’ or ‘sir’ for the guys or the more elusive ‘they’ for our non-binary friends. The feeling of elation we get from the validation.”
Sitting here, thinking of what to write, I realize I am really just talking to myself and anyone reading this is just listening in on a one way conversation. I’m not saying sharing this isn’t important or even one of my major goals when I began. I guess it more a case of this being something I need, a way to create a sounding board when there isn’t anyone who I can be completely open and honest with.
Today, (and a majority of this year), has been difficult to put it mildly, though most of the reasons need to stay private. They are things have had a negative impact in my life including the unconscious decision to halt transitioning. I woke up one day to realize I couldn’t remember the last time I showed myself, privately or publicly. I had simply allowed myself to slip back into my old habits while ignoring or minimizing the impact of interacting with the world outside my own skin in ways which were painful, stressful, and disappointing.
From seeing a reflection to the sound of my voice, from getting dressed to showering, everything seems to mock me, to call me a liar, to insist my inner most sense of self is an illusion and nothing I could ever hope to do will truly merge the outer me with the inner and to try and do so is the hight of folly.
This of course exasperates my depression and anxiety. Add in all those things I can’t share at the moment and I find myself being slowly sealed into a box from which there is no escape. The scary part is knowing where these feeling of helplessness and hopelessness are leading me. Well, maybe not so much scary, (I’ve been here to many times to be afraid anymore), but deeply saddened.
So much pain and suffering could have been avoided if I had listened to myself. If I hadn’t been so selfish and excepted being alone was best. Now I’m hurting those I love the most and there is nothing I could ever do to make up for what I have done.