01/17/22

Yesterday’s post was almost a place holder. There were things I wanted to write about but I was mentally exhausted and couldn’t bring things into focus so I decided to share the one thought which was stuck in the forefront of my thoughts as much because they held a strength I wanted as much as they were an overwhelming truth I couldn’t deny or avoid.

You see, for much of my life I brushed off thoughts, hopes, and dreams because they didn’t fit the narrative I had been taught to follow. Because they seemed so far removed from my reality they could never come true, because following them became too painful.

I’m sure I have spoken of some of the things which have weighed on me over the years, those brief moments of breathless wonder when the words ‘what if’ would blaze across my thoughts. To take the image in my mind and make it a reality. To be who I knew myself to be in the eyes of another and be accepted. To leave the shadows and walk in the sun.

Well, as they say, ‘be careful what you wish for, you might get it.’

This became my stumbling block, my nemesis.

I’ve had my questions answered, curiosity cured. What I found was more than I could have hoped for or imagined and it scared the living hell out of me.

I found peace, happiness, and a piece of myself I felt would never be found. At the same time I found pain, sorrow, and shame. You see, following my heart only lead to hurting others, (or at least this is what I was told time and again.) By doing so I was being selfish, self centered, even cruel. My happiness had to be bought at the price of another’s.

My dreams for theirs.

In this I felt it was better to give up on my own dreams. To crush them as soon as they arose so others could see theirs come true.

Oh, and if they didn’t, well that was my fault too.

What I’ve been asking myself is what happens when I’ve done everything I could to bury every bit of myself, to lock it in a deep hole and try to forget and it keeps coming back? Each time a little stronger, a little more insistent until it refuses to be ignored?

It leaves a person in a difficult place to say the least.

(No, this isn’t an ending, but a beginning.)

~Kira Anne Moore