Today was a better day, I hope things continue upward.
Here we are again. A new post just when I decided to stop posting anything personal. Well, I’ve been told more than once I can’t keep my big mouth shut…
The truth is, things have been difficult for months now, enough for everything to overwhelm me and lead me to think it was time to shut down. To rebuild the walls and seal myself away from the world. Part of this thought process included letting this blog die a natural death… You see, making myself post every day has been one of the ways I have given myself a responsibility which gives me a reason to hold on just one more day. Much the same as having family responsibilities, getting the kids off to school, to work… getting homework done… all small things I know, but they also give me a small piece of responsibility I cling to so desperately. They are the rope I have tied my knot in and so many days I am holding on with all of my strength.
However, there are days when even these are little more than fraying strands I could break with a thought.
Days when the depression is an endless tidal wave stretching from earth to sky, east to west, so the whole world seems to rising up to crush me. Times when anxiety is a soul devouring monster trapped in my chest, threatening to tear me apart to escape. Hours when I have no focus, direction, or motivation beyond simple breathing and even that takes every ounce of energy I can muster.
All of this is above and beyond any questions about my identity, yet they are also intricately interlinked.
Yesterday I was sitting alone when a thought came to me, deep, heart wrenching, and so true I knew it came from the depths of my soul…
(Kira) “I should step back into the shadows, return to the place I was before. Forcing myself into the sunlight was a mistake, selfish and short sighted. I have done too much damage, caused so much pain…
This was never what I wanted.
I cannot help but think it would be best to allow him to rise once again… it was his life after all.
Maybe in that way I can be allowed to fade away, to rest in some forgotten corner of the past where I might find my own peace at last.”
* * * *
I’m sorry the finish is so abrupt but I can’t continue now. I need more time to work through all the other things I need to say…
Just a place card.
“An Ohio court will decide the fate of a transgender teen who is in what the judge describes as a ‘gut-wrenching situation.'”
I close my eyes
What do I see?
I don’t remember
When I lost myself
I looked away
For a moment
And I was gone.
If you see me
Take my hand
Me back home,
I don’t want
To be here
I have reached a point where I wish it was possible to rebuild the walls around my soul. I wish to once again be able to bury my thoughts behind stone and steel…
Following a suicide attempt, a doctor told me I should start talking and not stop. I needed to let everything out and not bottle it up until it explodes… Sounds like reasonable advice… At least I thought so for a long time, but now I am no longer so sure…
When I stop and look around me, really look and listen, all I find is the hurt I am causing, especially for those I love. Being honest about my thoughts and feeling is more like throwing hand grenades in every direction and I am beyond disgusted with myself and my selfishness. For a long time I felt it was better to keep the insanity trapped within, to accept the pain so others would not suffer for my existence. It doesn’t matter how much doing so costs me, I have dealt with the pain my entire life and I can do so again.
So what has brought this on now?
Questioning if I should continue to pursue transitioning or if I should have begun at all.
There are many things I can point to which have made me question myself, my face, my body. the way I think, the way I act, the way I talk… everything… However, the most overwhelming is between my waist and knees. This has caused me endless anxiety, unsurmountable doubts, and the certainty I am completely wrong about everything.
How can I think go myself as anything other than what everything and everyone in this world has told me I am? I can put on all the trappings but but I am only exchanging one costume for another and I cannot stand such a thought… It isn’t who or what I am in the one place it truly counts. Then again, does it even matter at this point? Isn’t it nothing more than an unattainable dream? A wisp of fantasy as substantial as a fleeting dream which dissipates with the rising sun?
I could continue, but I think many I have said too much already.
There was a tension in the air, a low level buzz which set her teeth on edge. It was there every day, each night, filling her nose with each breath, making her chest ache. Disappointment and barely controlled anger hung in the shadowed corners like cobwebs of disillusionment. The walls discolored with layers of lies.