A Note To The Small Minded

Honestly, willful ignorance if not down right stupidity offends me. Let me share a prime example from the York Daily Record…

Gender identity is not legal identity

 

Here is a cut and paste for those who don’t want to give this nonsense any page views…

 

Gender identity is not legal identity

Letter to the Editor
Updated: 05/10/2013 04:38:29 PM EDT

My morning routine just got a lot more complicated. Used to be juice or coffee or eggs or cereal. Now I have the burden of deciding what sex I choose to be. A young lady from Red Lion has decided she is now a he. And expects you to call her by a male name and be allowed to bring a female date to the prom. Naturally, the ACLU jumps in as this is the kind of nonsense that ups their memberships and donations.
Transgender individuals are a real phenomenon. But one fraught with complications. The teenage years are ones of maturing sexuality and hormone turmoil. And simply living as the opposite sex does not confer on you any new legal sexual status.
Apparently, in the liberal alternate universe, sex organs are no longer the deciding factor as to your sex. And woe to any group that tries to instill “normal” standards of conduct in a given situation.
Now, do I wear the business suit or that cute mini dress?
KENNETH E. IMAN
SPRINGETTSBURY TOWNSHIP

 

I’m not sure I can even begin to address this. It’s obvious this person has never spoken to a Trans* person let alone make any attempt to actually learn about the people and issues he so flippantly disparages, and so just makes assumptions and you know what they say about assuming? That’s right, it makes an “Ass of You and Me” and after reading this drivel, calling this guy and ass would be unkind to asses everywhere.

I understand not all people jump to conclusions, but sadly, it seems the majority of gender normative people just can’t get their brains around the fact, not everyone is just like them. They seem to want to insist being gender variant must be a choice, after all, it’s just about what clothes you wear, right? All anyone need do is look in the mirror to know what they are suppose to be, right? Penis equals male, vagina equals female, right? What could be more simple than that? I suppose as long as you live in a world, surrounded by like minded people, such a black and white, either / or makes sense. After all, everyone they know is basically just like themselves and they have no reason to think otherwise. Even if they happen to know someone who is gay and thus that human sexuality isn’t so simple, they can still point out that such people tend to fall neatly into the gender binary they are living in, so they must be correct.

I suppose I can understand, after all, the simpler they can make the world, the less they have o think for themselves.

The sad thing is, I could talk until I was blue in the face and it wouldn’t make an ounce of difference to someone like this. They are so arrogant and small minded there is no room to learn the world is more complicated than they care to admit. What’s more, there is room for all of us, no matter what differences there may be.

Journey

The Transgender community is incredibly diverse. This is our strength and our weakness. We come together in our differences against a world where the gender binary rules.

In many ways the majority has an advantage over us in they have an understood frame of reference in which to relate to one another. Men are biological males who identify as male and women are biological females who identify as female. It doesn’t matter where you were born, the color of your skin, your religion… Strip every person of these considerations and you can still tell at a glance which is which.

In the Trans* community, nothing is clear. One must search beyond physical cues to find the truth .

This can cause confusion as each person occupies a slightly different place in the spectrum. True, it is possible to place us in some overly broad, general categories, but they are little more than guidelines.

Honestly, I think of myself in transition as much in regards to how I self identify as I am in becoming the person I was meant to be. Will I see myself as female, male, or some mixture of the two? Maybe in the end I will find I am none of these.

I can’t say. Not yet.

This lack of understanding on my part is reflected in the way others seek to relate to me and the story I am sharing on this blog.
I simply don’t know where I will find my comfort zone on any given day. Sometimes it changes from one hour to the next. I don’t know what trigger I might stumble across or if the different stresses I deal with will influence how I am feeling.
Is it surprising I seem confused? If I seem to shift from one point of view to another or if there are unexpected conflicts?
One day I know something is going to click into place and I will know I have reached the right place for me. I don’t know when it will happen, just that it hasn’t yet.
I didn’t expect this to be a quick trip, but a long journey. I have been dealing with these questions, seeking these answers for less than a year. It took me more than forty years to get to this point and though I know it won’t take so long to reach a fuller understanding of who I am, I also know it isn’t going to come with the snap of my fingers.

New Site…

Umm..

As I just realized, I made a silly mistake back when I first created this blog.

Simply put, I misspelled the web address, using two R’s instead of two O’s in Morre… er, make that Moore.

This caused WordPress to say that my blog didn’t exist. You could get here through the error page but it was confusing, so I now made a new blog with the same name but the correct web address: kiramoorescloset.wordpress.com

I am going to transfer all my content over to the new site, but it’s going to take a little time.

I will double post until I get everything moved and then I will take this one off line.

Thank you for your understanding and please feel free to tease me for this!

Thank you all,

Kira

Oops, forgot to add the link… kiramoorescloset

Sometimes It’s the Simple Things

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This has been a pretty good weekend, well, except for the soreness from my long ride yesterday…

I played it more boyish today because I was being lazy. Just a Tee and jeans.

(A thinks it’s funny and teases me that it takes me longer to get ready for anything than it does her and I have to remind her there was a time when I took even longer and that was back when I was working over time to look like a guy… though a guy with good fashion sense… but still…)

The other thing I did which has really made me feel a lot better with myself is I did my nails. Hard to believe that such a simple thing as having nice nails can make such a difference to your self image. Maybe I’m just being a bit vain… I have long thought I had nice nails for a guy and many women have told me that they wish they had nails like mine… now i can take a bit of secret pride in them and spend more time making them look nice. The only thing I don’t like is being forced to use only clear nail polish, oh, and not being able to have a french manicure.. I so want a french manicure, but I doubt I could get away with out one heck of a good excuse, like a lost bet or something..

As for a pedicure? Not so sure, but I am thinking about it. Doing my own toes is a pain just because I’m not that limber any more! Though I might start doing stretches just so I can… is that sad?

I am going to spend some time the next time I’m out shopping to look for tops that are closer to unisex, I am sick of having to maintain two separate wardrobes, though obviously I will to a certain degree just so I have work clothes if nothing else. Still, the more I can lean to the feminine side of the rack, the better.

Now if I could just find a nice wig to complete the look, maybe I wouldn’t want to cry when I look in the mirror…

A Path Already Walked

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I realize now that I need to go back to the beginning of this blog and read everything I have written. To once again walk down those paths that have led me to this point.

Until just the other day, this was something I hadn’t thought that I needed to do. Something that in some ways I was scared to so. That I am still scared to do. There are things written that i don’t want to face again. To think about. To remember.

But I have to. 

This is one of the keys to understanding myself, to remembering the things I have learned.

There is a great deal of pain in those pages, written in the middle of the night when I was lost in the storm.

In those first hectic days, I thought my only issue was with cross dressing… Boy, I couldn’t have been further off the mark.

As time passed and more an more memories came to the surface, I quickly realized that I had bigger things to deal with and I am still dealing with them all these months later.

I am finding that I will have to take this process very slowly, just going back to those memories is causing me some problems and I am quickly feeling overwhelmed.

I have to remember to take this one small step at a time, and when I need to, to step back and take a breather. I don’t have to do everything in a single day. 

Tonight; Between the Fire and the Void

 

I tried to do something tonight that I haven’t done for some time…
I tried to go into full shut down. To just let my mind go blank, thinking of nothing. To shut down my emotions and float in a void…

I couldn’t do it. The thoughts and feelings just keep gnawing away at me and I’m unable to stop them…

Right now I have the music turned up as loud as I can stand without making my ears bleed and still that damn voice that whispers in my mind won’t be quiet…

That feeling that I’m full of shit, that all I’ve done is live one lie after another, won’t quit digging at me, undermining my confidence in myself, who I think I am…

At this point I don’t know myself any more… I doubt that I ever really knew myself at all…

I think of myself and what I thought I saw there and I don’t know what to think. Nothing makes any sense any more.
I was so sure I understood the thing I had unleashed in my head but now? I just don’t know.

Maybe I’m trying to avoid the truth of who I am. Maybe some part of me is unwilling to accept the truth, whatever that might be…

To be honest, I wish I could just shut down, to disappear into my own head and never come back. Leave behind this shell.

As it is, I am caught in the strangest place. There is a numbness in my head and yet it feels as if my chest is burning. As if my heart is being turned to ash.
Part of me wants to shed my old life, everything I was for so many years, but part of me wants to cling to who I was, discarding this new reality and returning to what was, no matter how bad it might have been.

Yes, I find it impossible to not doubt myself, my thoughts, my feelings. I just can’t grasp this. I can’t get myself around who I have become…

I wish I had better words to explain what is tearing through me. I wish that I could let everything inside just pour out onto these pages. That the tears that I cry would become the thoughts that would make this clear even as my vision blurs….

Why?

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From the very beginning of this crazy ride I’m on, I have struggled to understand myself, who I am, who I hope to be. I have done this within a self constrained framework. What some are wondering is why? Why don’t I just let things happen as they may. Why do I insist on moving forward at such a pace, keeping myself hidden behind my male facade, why don’t I allow myself to be completely free?

There are a number of reasons for this, and yes, they are are my reasons, imposed on myself. It is one of the things that is the hardest, this deliberate pacing of how I move forward. It is one of the things that frustrates me the most, one of the things that more than once has made me grind my teeth and want to scream at the walls. 

But.

I wouldn’t do anything differently, no matter what I might think or say.

 

All my life family has meant something special to me. It might be the fact that I never had what could be called a normal family life growing up, it might be that I vowed that I would never do to my own children what was done to me, it might be that I simply have this ideal of how parents should sacrifice anything for those they help bring into the world.

Should I as a parent still be allowed to be happy? Yes, as long as that happiness does not bring harm to my children. And I do have times of happiness. I have three great kids, who while they sometimes make me question my sanity, I would never give up.

Besides the kids of course, there is my wife. She has be incredible through all of this. Honestly, I don’t know how she put up with me even before I came out. 

In all of my decisions, in everything I do, I take her into consideration. How much can she handle in regards to my needing to express myself? How much does my thoughts and feelings impact her?

For me, those around me are more important than I am. None of them asked to be drawn into this, nor did I really, but that they are here, dealing with this too, is because of me.

I would do anything for them,

Including again becoming “Him” if that is what was required of me.

 

And what of me?

Sorry Girl

 

 

Who am I that anyone should care?

I am someone who was born wearing the wrong skin. I am someone who dreams of being what she can never be, not on the way I would wish.

I don’t have very many memories of my youngest years, they become clearer starting at age six, but it wasn’t until I was ten that I realized why I was different from the other boys.

When I first came out, indeed when I started this blog, my strongest memory was of dressing in my mothers clothes when I was ten. Because of that I at first thought I was a cross dresser. I have come to understand that I am much more than that. 

Over time I have drawn up more and more memories. I have remembered more and more dreams, thoughts and emotions.

From that very first time putting on women’s clothing, I knew that no matter what my body might look like, I was a girl.

That didn’t make sense of course and caused me a great deal of confusion and more than a little fear.

I was already in an abusive situation and to be sure, this was going to only make things worse. That confusion and fear led me to repress my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, everything. I went into a full shut down and just tried to be the boy everyone thought I was, that my body told me I should be.

That didn’t stop the dreams. It didn’t stop the fantasies. It didn’t stop the thoughts that forced they’re way through.

It didn’t take away the knowledge that I was female.

Over time the stress of keeping this secret built to the point where I either came close to attempting suicide or making an actual attempt.  I was miserable. I hated myself, the world and everything in it.

The night I finally broke it was a close thing, I had to either come out as who I really was or I would have killed myself. I have no doubt about that. 

 

There would be no more attempts at death, no more attempts at life.

It had finally become a matter of life or death and I chose life.

 

Everything that happened since is in this blog.

Acceptance?

Original

 

 

Knowledge, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness.

Are these the steps to finally coming to peace with yourself? Coming to peace with your thoughts, memories, emotions?

I find myself wondering what it means to accept myself. 

This is something i am told that I need to do.

“You have to accept the truth about yourself.”

What “truth” is that? 

How do I know when I have achieved it?

In figuring out what questions I think I need to answer to figure this out I have come up with the following information that I cannot dispute;

I have physical, phycological, and emotional scars. I know where some came from, others I do not, but they are there.

I have lived with depression and suicidal thoughts from at least the age of ten.

I have have either cross dressed or thought/dreamed/fantasied about doing so since the age of ten or eleven.

I have thought of being a girl/woman since about the same age.

I have on more than a few occasions wished/dreamed/begged to wake up and be a real girl/woman.

I have been a girl/woman as my dream self.

I have wanted desperately to be included in the groups of women I have found myself around, I have wanted to be part of the conversation, part of the unspoken sisterhood that they enjoy.

I know that if I could take a pill, make a wish, be part of an experiment, that would allow me to change genders, I would do so without hesitation even if it might kill me or I could never change back.

When I finally broke and admitted my feelings I felt as if a ten ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

These are all things I have long known about myself. I cannot deny them any more than I could deny having blue eyes.

Where are the questions? 

Well it is in how I react to some things. 

I don’t feel any change in myself while wearing women’s clothing. I enjoy wearing them, I enjoy the way I look in them after all it allows me to have a physical connection to the way I see myself inside, but really, when you cut everything else away, I feel the same as I do while wearing mens clothing. I am still me, that’s all, nothing more. There is no “charge” or excitement. 

Wearing make up does nothing more than improve my looks a bit, because honestly, I don’t see myself as very attractive and no amount of make up is going to change that.

Even when dressing stealth I feel that the things I am wearing are really nothing at all, I have the right to be wearing them, they are the things I have no reason to not be wearing.

I know that when I look in the mirror I see a face that doesn’t really belong to me. Yes, it is the face that I have worn all my life, but it’s more like a bad joke, like I someone came along while I was sleeping and glued this face over my real one. 

Having male “parts” isn’t something I find distressful, I would rather be a physical female, but I can live with what I have. I guess that I have had this body long enough that I’m simply use to it.

The hardest part of this is not seeing any change in myself. Because to this point everything has been internal… changes in the way I think about things, the way i feel about things, and even those couldn’t be called major. There haven’t been any large scale shifts in the way I seem to see myself in my minds eye, when I just let myself drift, I don’t notice any real difference in the way things work.

There are no physical reference to mark any change. There isn’t any effects of hormones or surgeries that I can point to and say, “There! There is proof I have made these changes!”

Just how am I suppose to be different from before?

How can I tell if there has really been a transition? How can I tell what is the “new” me and what of the “old” me is gone?

It is not having any markers to show my progress, or lack there of, that I am having such a problem with. How am I suppose to know that all of this isn’t just in my head? Maybe I’m just plain out crazy…

 

Heh… I guess as long as I think things might just in my head, then I haven’t accepted myself…. 

 

 

 

 

Just A Strange Day

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Today has been really strange. 

Personally, I would describe the day as mushy… though I know that doesn’t make sense.

My thoughts seem to be padded in cotton, nothing is urgent or pressing, Nothing has made me feel anxious or even uncomfortable.

I spent the entire day trying to figure out what I could post about and really nothing came to mind. I read other posts and even spent time on one forums that I frequent. 

The only thing that caught my attention was a thread dealing with the issue of being TG without the driving need to transition physically.

That is where I am right now, and I read more than a few people who have come to terms with their feelings on the matter. People who were where I am at one point, that is feeling as if they didn’t fit into the TG conversation because they didn’t share the experience of going through physical tradition. That maybe they weren’t really TG at all because all they had read, the only conversation they had seen, was about those who were not only going through that physical transition, but were also spending more and more time living as their target gender while they were not.

I understand those feelings completely. Time after time I have questioned if I am TG when I am reading about those going through the process of physical transition while I do not have that driving need.

My needs are more in regards to my mental and emotional transition. 

There are many reasons why I’m not concerned with my physical transition, reasons that I cannot do anything about and that I am coming to accept. My mental and emotional transition is another matter all together. 

That is something that I can work on, it is something that I can get help with. It is something that I want and need to become comfortable with, it is something I want to fully accept and embrace.

Fears

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My last two posts were really dealing with the same issue; fear. I’ll admit that in the end I am scared to death of facing myself. 

I am scared of invalidation.

I am scared that when I finally face myself in the reflection of someone else’s eyes, I will find that I am not what I have come to believe is true of myself. 

I imagine this is nothing new to all the others who have walked this path before me, I’m sure everyone has had doubts. Everyone has had those times when they look in the mirror and wonder what they have been thinking. After all, if you talk to most of the people around you, you will find that they have never had any of the thoughts or questions that have been driving you to distraction. I know that is where I am right now. I have asked questions, I have sought opinions, and I have looked for validation from those around me and have found that they, one and all, have never really even thought of the things that I have.

Never thought, fantasized, or dreamed of being the opposite gender, the thought never even crossed their minds,

They have never thought about dressing as the opposite gender other than as a joke for Halloween.. and most times not even then.

They have never really wondered if they were in the wrong body.

They could never imagine, even for a moment, waking up one day and being the opposite gender even for an hour.

They have never questioned if they thought or acted as the opposite gender. They never wanted to and if they did it would mean that they were acting “gay”, not as an actual member of the opposite gender.

When forced to consider gender roles they never wondered if they were in the wrong one.

The question is then, why do I think this way? Why do I ask myself these questions? Just what is wrong with me?

In trying to find answers, I have basically self diagnosed. Doing research online, looking to blogs and forums and web sites.

I have taken the stupid online tests that really don’t tell you anything that you don’t want to hear.

I have tried to question myself, my motivations, my memories, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams.

I have, and continue to question everything, not to talk myself out of accepting who I am, but to know.. to know with as much certainty as I can, that what I believe to be true is indeed true.

I have lived one lie after another, after another until I am at a point where I simply do not trust myself. I don’t trust my feelings, my thoughts, my memories.

Nothing.

So in the end, I fear that I will be invalidated, that I will find that this is nothing more than another self deception. That I am the worst kind of liar… someone who can’t even be honest with herself.

But as I said, I can’t live in constant fear, I cannot refuse to face myself. To face the truth no matter what that truth might prove to be.

I have to know.

Once and for all, I have to know.

When I strip everything else away, this is the truth I cannot escape.

I am afraid.

I am terrified.

Of myself.