There are days when you awake and think, today is going to be a good day and it is. A day when sadness and pain won’t dull the light in your eyes. When a sound, color, song or memory doesn’t threaten to crush the breath from your lungs or leave you on your knees without the strength to stand. A day when you can lay your head on your pillow and not fear falling asleep for the darkness which awaits.
Then there are the other days.
The ones where just opening your eyes takes so much effort it leaves you exhausted. Days when the smallest things sends your heart racing in fear. The ice of panic swelling in your chest until you can’t catch a breath. Times when you cannot understand why you’re alive at all, wondering if God hates you so much He takes pleasure in your pain. Everything in your life seems so pointless, meaningless. When every word you speak, every action you take does nothing but cause pain to those around you. Life becomes an ocean in which your drowning and you know no one else can see your struggles or hear the cries for help which remain locked in your throat.
And you never know which it is going to be today.
After receiving a diagnosis of major depression, you might feel relieved to have a name for your emotional pain and you might feel overwhelmed about the treatment at hand. However, you’re not alone. Between 10 and 25 percent of women and 5 to 12 percent of men will have a major depressive disorder in their lifetime.
“Depression is a very serious mental illness that often goes unnoticed for years. People with concealed depression are battling demons within themselves all on their own. They are not sharing their struggles and do not want to burden those around them.
You see, for most people wounds are not something we are open about. We tend to bottle things up and attempt to remedy them on our own. If you are reading this then you must know someone who you feel you need to better understand or you relate to this yourself. The following 15 habits are some of the most common I have noticed in people dealing with concealed depression.”
I’ve avoided writing this post for some time now… There are many reasons why, doubt, fear… Not wanting to be seen as looking for pity… maybe for not wanting to burden others with my problems when I know so many have their own battles to fight…
Now though I find I am having a negative affect on my oldest child at a time when he cannot afford to be distracted from his own issues…
It pains me to know this because I have always thought he was far more important than I, after all, he is just beginning to live his life and I have squandered so much of mine.
So here I sit, searching for words, of the images and thoughts which could explain the growing darkness within myself. One which begs for me to set it free one last time…
I am beyond exhausted… physically, mentally, emotionally… I am spent and all that remains is sorrow and anxiety. An endless weight on my chest and ice in my stomach. I am having trouble sleeping, focusing… Food is almost tasteless, and I have not only lost my former interests, I have also lost my art, my poetry… hopes are fading memories and my dreams haunt me even in the daylight.
My anxiety has become worse, to the point I have nearly collapsed twice this week alone. I am constantly fighting chills which run down my spine then out to my arms and legs, added with bouts of nausea. The depression has become deeper and more settled in than it has for a very long time and I feel even my stress levels have began to spike, leaving me feeling as if my head is in a vice.
I have had several breakdowns over the years… events which cracked and splintered my self image but never completely shattered it… That is what I want. To mentally explode into a million, billion pieces… to crumble into dust and have nothing left, not even a single memory…
Whatever, whoever I was before this moment gone… gone and forgotten.
I don’t want to think anymore,
I don’t want to feel anymore.
I don’t want to remember anymore.
* * *
I had to step away for a bit to gather my thoughts…
Unsurprisingly, I took the time to realize everything I am feeling leaves me feeling even more selfish than I did before… I read what I have written and all I see is me, me, me when I know all too well it isn’t just about me and hasn’t been for a very long time. This only adds to feelings of being boxed in again, tighter and tighter…
So what can I do when there is no moving forward, no going back, and no escape?
Like being lost in a maze, I can feel there is going to be a dead end somewhere ahead.
Sorrow, feeling blue… there are a hundred different ways to describe feeling down. Yet these only represent the tip of the iceberg which is depression…
I could save myself time and tears by giving you link after link to resources, reports, studies… Such things are useful, dry, clinical, one sided, but useful… still they cannot begin to express the the emotions and thoughts one can only fully understand through experience. Let me say, from one human to another, I could never wish such experience on anyone. Better for it to remain a concept, a possibility so far removed from reality as to be unimaginable.
I’m not sure how many times I have spoken of these things. If you go back through the archives for this blog, I’m sure you will find more than one… I remember reading a blog at one point where the author was expressing disgust with another blog where all he saw was someone complaining about depression and suicidal thoughts and wondered if the person just wanted people to share in their pity party… I think I can speak to this… No, they weren’t complaining, they were reaching out, they weren’t looking for a pity party, they’re looking for a way out which didn’t end with a death notice in the paper.
This was so long ago now, I feel I failed this person by not speaking out sooner… I can only hope and pray they found the help they needed and can look back on me with forgiveness in their heart.
I wanted to share this as a way of explaining, if you have never dealt with this very serious illness then you simply cannot understand, never mind judge, someone who has or is.
I don’t know how many days I’ve woken to find myself facing yet another day of struggle. Struggling to get up, to function, to think, sometimes to just breath without visions of blood and death flashing through my mind. My blood. My death and not screaming only because everything is caught inside, choking me.
Despite what some may think, I don’t want to feel this… I would rather be the same as so many of you and to have never thought about such things.
I hate feeling useless, worthless, despised, hated… As if nothing I do is ever good enough. Every thought, emotion, action is nothing but unmitigated failure. How the sorrow, hatred, disgust, and disappointment expressed by others is my fault by my simply existing.
In my mind I know these things aren’t true. That they have been imposed upon me through years of abuse and neglect…
But try getting my heart to listen.
(Trigger Warning: Suicide)
By Kira A. Moore
Tonight is the
Put up or
Face the Devil
Please note, this in no way reflects on me personally. It was written in response to the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death.
By Kira A. Moore