Category: Emotions

Therapy and Thoughts

I have thought, more than once, to go back and read the early entires I posted here. Yet I have yet to do so. I think, now and then to look at how far I have come since then, then I realize I’m not ready. Not yet.

This was something which came up during therapy, part of a larger discussion at how far I have come since I started with Jodi. I mentioned I wasn’t ready yet to act on her suggestion I write an autobiography. It just isn’t time yet. As with so much of my writing, there has to be a need, a desire, a spark which drives me.

It’s one of the reasons I decided to unofficially join the “A Poem A Day” challenge for April. It is also why I tried my hand at the “50 Word Story” challenge. I want to be able to write more. I want to write better. 

Still, there are many things I have to work through before I will be ready to attempt to write so much about myself… Yes, I know, this whole blog has been an exercise about “Me”, yet it is somehow different… like a discussion during group therapy… More of speaking to interested people who have no other stake in knowing me than the time it takes to read a post, which is different than those who might have paid for a copy of a book which they expect to be worth their hard earned dollars.

There is also the “McFly Factor” in which I worry my stories will be no good, that people will say I am not good enough… Yet another layer of self confidence to be worked through…

We talked about this past week and how I am slowly coming to terms with the fact it really doesn’t seem to matter how I am presenting because I am regularly being correctly gendered, even when I’m sure there is no way I could be seen as female… like what happened at my work physical; something I am still amazed and amused by.

Yet there are times when I am nervous about being outed, especially when the kids are with me. It’s mostly in smaller store and fast food restaurants. Bigger stores or places with crowds don’t bother me nearly as much; I guess it’s a matter of being lost in a crowd… I mention this only because I found myself in both situations today and the smaller restaurant was definitely more stressful.

Every day it seems I am little more comfortable with myself and less fearful of being confronted, still, there are some situations I feel safer just avoiding, such a restrooms. I’ve been learning the stores which have gender neutral facilities. If I’m being honest with myself, the odds are it more of an issue to me than it ever would be to anyone else… after all, how many times have I spoken of this fear or that only to have them never materialize?

…

You know, there have been somethings I haven’t spoken about. They have been too personal and I haven’t felt comfortable discussing them, but I need to mention something here which some will understand…

To say the relationship between A an I is complicated is an understatement in the least and has been made more so by who and what I am… 

There is a level of mental and emotional intimacy I have found comforting which I fear might be lost as I transition further… that there is line out there beyond which our relationship will forever change, but I don’t know where it is and I won’t know I’ve crossed it until it’s too late to go back… If there was a chance to go back at all…

This is one of the big unknown which scares the daylights out of me, yet there is nothing I can really do to change the path I find myself on even knowing how much pain might be waiting in the future. Future pain… funny, as much as it hurts me now I should be terrified of what such a time would bring…

I know.. and Jodi agreed, I am gathering unneeded worries to myself, yet it is something which looms in the back of my mind… 

Last (N)ites (Poetry)

(Trigger Warning: Suicide)

Last (N)ites

By Kira A. Moore

 

 

Tonight is the

Night,

Put up or

Shut up.

 

Face the Devil

Grinning,

Kiss Michael

Goodbye.

 

Please note, this in no way reflects on me personally. It was written in response to the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death.

Insert Name Here

I have been unsettled for the past several weeks… I can’t seem to find a better term for what I have been feeling. 

There has been so much to deal with, so many emotions and thoughts. Not just regarding myself but A and her family, the oldest boy and his issues, and the million and one little things which are a part of being an adult and parent in todays world.

I have tried to push things to the background because I simply don’t know how to deal with them at the moment, but just as with anything else, ignoring the problem only seems to make things worse.

 

The difficult part has been letting my mind sift through everything without trying to push for answers. I know, all too often, doing so only leads to what I am searching for to slip through my fingers. Because of this my moods have been up and down, not quite happy nor depressed, yet on the edge of both leaving me feeling as though my nerves have been run over with sand paper. There have been times when I moved through the day confident and my head held high and others when I just wanted to give up and crawl under a rock and yet when asked, I couldn’t really explain what I was feeling or why… more than a little frustrating to be sure.

This past Saturday was spent with A’s family and it was a strangely uncomfortable experience. Not because of anything which was said or done, but because it was the first time I was openly in their presence… (even though I knew none of them were ready to use my name or female pronouns,) still, they all knew about me. I didn’t feel angry or defensive, just sad for some reason… as if something has been lost though I don’t know what it is.

Also, last week I had my work physical, which proved to be interesting because I had to present myself suing my birth name which is clearly male. Still, the doctor, more than once, referred to me with feminine pronouns. It is more and more the same whenever I am out, no matter how much or little I may be “presenting.”

You see, though this makes me happy in many ways, here too there is a sadness I could not fully explain.

At first I thought maybe it was a matter of getting what I wished for not being what I really needed, then I thought it was an issue of not being worthy of happiness… yet neither of these really explained what I was feeling…

The tonight I was speaking to a friend and it dawned on me…

I’m doing something I have never allowed myself to do before…

Just being myself.

I’m not trying to meet anyone’s expectations.

It’s a new experience for me, uncharted waters… unexplored territory.

Like a bird who has been caged all of her life suddenly being set free to fly, it is as terrifying as it is exhilarating and I shouldn’t be surprised it is going to take some getting use to.

 

One last thing, going back to being around people who have known me for so long… both family and coworkers. I can better understand why some people decide to move away. To gain a fresh start with those who do not know the past. It is a difficult thing to face people day in and day out who, not through meanness or intolerance, cannot bring themselves to think of you in any other way than what they have always done. To be bombarded with the old name and pronouns and titles. To be told you look the same, sound the same… that you haven’t really changed, at least not in their eyes… It’s difficult… heartbreaking… Yet you cannot be upset with them… not really. As much as you want them to see you, to acknowledge you, accept you… the past ties powerful bonds which are difficult, if not impossible to break and to them you will always be {insert name here}.

FIL Updated

Its been a long day…

 

Regarding my Father-In-Law.

We are awaiting an official diagnosis, but the doctor is fairly confident he has stage IV lung cancer. At this point it isn’t in the brain but it has spread to the bones, including the spine, and also the adrenal gland. He has started to receive some treatment to slow down the progression, but we all know where this story ends, so it’s a matter of when, not if.

Understandably this has been difficult for the family, especially my Mother-in-law. A is dealing with it as best she can; as she said, there has been enough death in the extended family she kind of knows how to handle things… still, this is her father so I know its been difficult to say the least.

I feel I need to share a little bit from my viewpoint… You see, this is one time when not being close to family members is as much a blessing as a curse. When my mother died, also of lung cancer, it didn’t hit me in the same way as it would had we been closer. It’s true I took some other deaths harder, namely my Grandmother, but it has been long enough now the pain is little more than a distant memory. In some ways I feel as if I am missing something after watching those around me dealing with this sort of pain when I cannot relate to it on the same level. 

So this is where things stand at the moment. I’ll share any additional information as I get it.