Challenge, Experience, Gender, Kira, Life, Mtf, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender, Transsexual, Understanding

Circle Of Fear

I have seen life described as a river or a line. Even describing it as a path or journey suggests it has a beginning and an end, yet this isn’t completely my experience.

In many ways life is a series of circles. My thoughts and steps coming around to where I started. Sometimes I find myself caught in one of these, going around and round again until something breaks the cycle and I move into a new circle. There are times when movement is quick and sure, moving from one moment to the next, while other times it seems I will never break free. Then there are the layers of circles which make up months, even years. Cycles of my life which, when I have thought them done and over, somehow are ahead of me again.

Over the past several years I have seen this happen time and again. Old thoughts and fears I thought behind me rear up to be faced again. There are times when I feel as if I have gone nowhere at all, even though the truth is, I have travel miles.

Miles…

This is the secret I am finally understanding, though I am a bit thick headed and sometimes I think I have to be beaten over the head with something to finally get it… 

You see, even when I have travelled in a circle to arrive someplace I recognize; it isn’t really the same any more than I am the same person who passed this way before. Things have changed. I have changed. It is only my perception which deceives me into thinking otherwise.

An example is this; in the not so distant past I said my fear was in not being seen as my true self. I feared being mocked, ridiculed, or worse. The thought of being myself outside of my own house or at work was beyond my comprehension.

Now I have found these fears to be unfounded. It’s to the point where I realize I am having trouble being seen, heard, and accepted as anything other than female. At least by those with whom I don’t have a long history.

Sunday A and I went shopping. While at the store, I went to get some things from the frozen dinner section. On either side of me, at two different doors was an older couple. When I turned to go to my cart, an item slipped out of my hand and hit the floor. The man who was in front of me jokingly called out to his wife, “Did you throw that at me?” to which she answer “No”. “Well,” He said, “This lady sure didn’t do it!” His wife replied with something I missed, but you get the idea.

Why is this important? Because I was suppose to be out in “boy mode.” I have forgotten to charge my shaver the night before and so I hadn’t shaved. I sure wasn’t going to do anything to present as anything but male with my face feeling like sandpaper. So I was wearing just t T-shirt and jeans, with a baseball cap to hold my hair down. To me I was as scruffy as scruffy gets and I was still tagged as female.

Once we were out of earshot, I asked A, “What do I have to do to be seen as male; grow a full beard?” Maybe so…

I have mentioned this before, something has changed in a way I cannot put my finger on. I think it is a good change yet it is mystifying. For so many years I was seen as male even when I didn’t want to be, now all people see is a woman. 

Please note I am NOT complaining, nor do I really wish to be seen as a guy… it’s just a strange place to find myself upon reaching the end of one of those circles I spoke about. 

Before I was afraid of not being accepted as female, now I can’t get accepted as male and I suppose this does irritate me for some reason.

Maybe it’s a matter of seeing all those years of trying to be something, of trying to mimic others, of suppressing my true self, and in the end it is proving to have been a total waste of time and energy when I could have followed just one simple question to its logical conclusion decades ago… “Can I walk out the door and be accepted as a woman?”

I think I have the answer now…

Of course, if I had, then I never would have met A abad we wouldn’t have three boys I love with all my heart… Still, it’s annoying to think of what might have been had I not been caught in yet another circle…

Fear.

I have lived my whole life in fear to one extent to another… fear of my parents, fear of the kids around me. Fear of failure… fear of success. Fear of relationships and fears of being alone.

Fear, fear, fear, and more fear… this has been a defining feature of my life for as long as I can remember and now I am standing here looking at it again. Not the same really; too much has changed for that, but fear none the less…

It is the fear of leaving the confines of the gilded cage. Of leaving the comfort of the known behind.

All of what I had built to try and pass as male has been left in ruins. Ripped down by my own hands and yet there is a part of me which wishes to hold on to the tatters even as they are torn away by the winds of change.

I can’t hide there anymore and so I feel exposed and naked before the world… and yes, it scares me to death. I can admit to such a thing now, there is no shame in feeling fear, only in allowing yourself to be controlled by it.

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Dysphoria, Experience, Gender, Kira, Life, Mtf, Opinion, Personal, Questioning, Thoughts, Transition, Work In Progress

Finding Myself

As time passes I find myself feeling more at peace with myself. It is something beyond questions of gender or even identity; more of a calm which has come over the totality of who I am.

I have spent this past week trying to think less and feel more. To set aside the quest for ‘why’. No matter what the circumstances which brought me to this place and time, they were nothing but steps on the path and while I can appreciate the journey, now, this moment is what is important, not a past I cannot change… Would not change even if I could because it is what has made me who I am.

Still there are things which I am still learning about myself. Understandings of what I think and feel and why.

One of those things is the level of peace I feel with myself. Part of this is finally giving myself permission to be myself. Permission to be happy. To be satisfied with now. 

This isn’t as easy as it sounds. I still find myself thinking of the past and what I would have done differently. I also look to the future and see it cast in shadow. I have to take a step back and a deep breath, then force my mind to let such things go. They do me no service.

I too find myself looking at my thoughts and emotions now and questioning myself. Am I sure I am doing the right thing? Can’t I be happy being what the reflection in the mirror wants me to be? The chain goes on and on… 

Then a moment comes when I don’t just see myself… I understand. 

Yesterday was such a time. I have gone this week without trying to present as anything at all. Neither male nor female, masculine or feminine; yet I have not suffered from any serious dysphoria as I have in the past and this was troubling to say the least. After all, shouldn’t the very thought of being seen as male send me into a depressive spiral as it has so often done? The why not now?

The answer came to me unbidden…

Because no matter what I may look like, how much effort I put into ‘presenting’, more often than not I am seen as female. It has nothing to do with hair, makeup, or even clothing. The reactions are the same regardless. 

It is me.

All other things are nothing more than props.

I am the same regardless and people sense it and respond appropriately. I haven’t really thought about if I am ‘trans enough’… Trans is just a label like any other, it has only ever given me a sense of the ground beneath my feet and has never been the totality of my personhood. On the other hand I have wondered if I am woman enough.  It is a core part of my identity, just as having blue eyes. 

Funny how I just realized I have never once asked myself if my eyes are ‘blue enough.’ 

The answer to the question can be seen in the reposes of others. In the Mams and Misses. In the Ladies and the Hers and She’s I have received time and again, indeed, more so as time passes, regardless of anything I have said or done.

So it is that I have become comfortable with this body no matter what I do or do not do to present in a particular way. 

This isn’t to say there aren’t things which I would change in a heartbeat if given the chance, because there are. There are those things which make me uncomfortable with myself, things which make me self conscience, which make me anxious or nervous.

There are situations and will go out of my way to avoid if possible, even to the point of discomfort. 

I’m not sure it is possible to be me and not have these thoughts and feelings. What is important is they are no longer crippling. 

It’s a strange sense of freedom I am still adjusting to. 

Yet I wouldn’t change things for the world.

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Experience, Family, Gender, Health, Information, Kira, Life, Medical, Personal, Readers, Thoughts, Transsexual, Understanding

An FIL Update and Some Additional Thoughts

First, an update on my FIL. He is now resting at home, I’m not sure what care he is currently receiving, but I do know his doctor is waiting on the lab results before advising any treatment plans, if any. At this point he has about a month or so… It’s just a waiting game now.

As I get more information, I will post updates.

 

On another front…

Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are already so far on your path, the only option is to see it through to the end? Well, I had such a moment this morning. I had to go for a scheduled physical for work. I did so as male because all of my information was last updated before I came out. This means everything had my birth name all over it and the health information was in the male section of the questionnaire. 

First of all, I received more than a few, this isn’t correct looks from the female staff, though no one said anything directly. Then the male doctor who was overseeing the physical part of the test, lifting, turning, climbing, ext. referred to me as ‘Mam’, ‘Lady’, and ‘woman’ even after reading all of my information.

I found this rather amusing and a sign I am on this path for good or ill. There really is no turning back.

Yesterdays post was something I needed to write. I had to get all of the doubts and fears out where I could see them and confront them. I had to be able to admit to myself I am not an island, not a rock which can stand alone against the storms life sends my way. I cannot hold all these things within myself… I am many things, an unfeeling machine is not one of them.

After saying all the things I did, sharing thoughts and emotions which have been churning in my heart, I felt a sense of relief. Not for no longer thinking or feeling what I did, but having been able to share the weight with those who can understand or at least are empathetic.

To then have the experience I did today, without any thought or prompting from me, it really brought things into focus in a way I didn’t realize I needed.

I have a long way to go and many challenges yet to face. There will be times when I stumble and fall, when my strength and determination fail me, yet I also know I can get back up and continue on… even when things seem impossible and I have all of you to thank for that.

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Challenge, Education, Experience, Humor, Kira, Life, Love, Memories, Partner, Personal, Post, Thoughts

A First Time For Everything

Another post? Yes… 🙂

 

As it happens, A wanted me to post about our latest adventure… coloring her hair. How did it turn out? Well, I’m not going to beauticians school anytime soon to begin a new career!

Having said as much, it actually turned out pretty well, especially for my first time. I certainly learned a lot and know some things not to do, but more to the point, I have some confidence I could do it again and not botch it.

As a note, her hair is naturally dark brown and she wanted to change it to black…

Here are two photos:

 

Hair Color 1

 

Hair Color 2

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Education, Experience, Information, LGBT, Life, News, Transgender, Understanding, Work In Progress

DOJ Trains Cops to Work With Transgender People – ABC News

The Justice Department launched a program Thursday to train local police departments to better respond to transgender individuals, a population authorities say is disproportionately harmed by violence.

DOJ Trains Cops to Work With Transgender People – ABC News: “”

(Via. ABC News)

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Blog, Emotion, Experience, Gender, Gender Expression, Gender Identity, Kira, LGBT, Life, Memories, Mtf, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender, Transition, Work, Work In Progress

Kira At Work

So…

Last night was, as I think I secretly expected, was a non event. If anyone notice the subtle change then they kept it to themselves. I seriously doubt anyone was even paying attention which is what I really want… to be just another face in the crowd along with all the other women I work with.

 

KIra At Work

 

I took this picture during my last break of the night… needless to say I was tired after a full shift and looking out the window to see more snow falling was enough to depress a demented clown…

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