I’m glad to see common sense prevailed. One of the greatest gifts any human possess is to make judgments based on circumstances and not just on what might be written by a committee moths or years ago.
I had set out to write an epic post covering the past two weeks when, halfway through I realized sharing every little detail wasn’t as important as writing about what I learned.
It’s all too easy to get caught up in the “how” and loose sight of the “why.” Which is why taking a step away has proven to be a good thing, and I suppose is yet another lesson I have learned for the week.
The most important things I have learned so far:
It doesn’t pay to be lazy or to take the easy road. Some things are worth the effort.
I am NOT a weekend only girl. Why I thought I could live with being comfortable with myself only two days a week, (or less), is simply beyond me. Regardless of any other consideration, I am me 24/7 and trying to hide this truth, even when it is convenient, isn’t worth the issues it causes. So from now on I spend sometime for myself each day.
I can only take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings. It is NOT my place or right to take responsibility or anyone else. In truth it is rather disrespectful.
And last, but most importantly… I have an incredible person in my life who is not only my partner, she is also my best friend and I am blessed beyond words to have her beside me each day.
Whenever anyone spoke of Mrs. Bitterly, it was more often than not with a look of someone who had just bitten into an apple to find half a worm. To say she was disliked would be considered a kindness she didn’t deserve. After all, Mr. Diggs’ dog was better like than her and no one could stand that damn dog and its yowling at all hours of the night.
As for herself, Mrs. Bitterly considered herself the town gossip, a much needed service in a place where Mrs. James was known to self medicate herself into a slobber pile on the hallway floor or where Rev. Jack was known to take confession with Mrs. Bigsby in her little ‘hideaway’ above her store when they thought no one was watching. If not for her who knows what shenanigans might stay hidden away behind the thin veneer of respectability the citizens of this Mid-West Sodom might get up to?
So it was some surprise when old Lady Witherspoon sat down across from her old friend at their favorite table in Maybels’ Diner and asked, “What’s on the menu for today?” Expecting some juicy piece of news, only to be told,
“Why I have no idea what your referring to.” She said with a straight face and blank stare.
Taken aback, Lady Witherspoon let out a hissing breath. “What are you playing at Marry Beth? You always have the freshest news and I always hear it first. You telling me, for the first time in almost forty years, you don’t have something to share?”
Mrs. Marry Beth Bitterly, once Marry Beth Summermore, once Marry Beth Lackly, and before all of them Marry Beth Johnson of Caramel Street, just two houses from the Honorable Judge Billy Black, better known as the “Hangin’ Judge” before he was found with Minister Willsons’ wife in more than his chambers and less than his robe. Looked her oldest, closest, and dearest friend in the eye and said, “Gossip is the devil’s pulpit and I will have nothing to do with such wickedness.”
Lady Witherspoon was, for the first time in her memory, rendered speechless. To hear such words come from that mouth was more than she could comprehend. It just didn’t seem possible. She was still struggling to find a proper response when a very handsome young man came to their table and with a smile laid a hand on Marry Beth’s shoulder.
“A very fine speech if I do say so myself,” the gentleman’s voice was smooth as warm honey and so sweet it made her teeth ache. Just looking at him was enough to take ones breath away. He was so beautiful it was obscene. What he said next though made the hair stand up on her arms and a shiver ran down her spine.
“You do know, it’s too little and far too late.”
There are days, then there are days…
I’m sitting here wondering if I’ve taken a step too far, pushed things quicker than I needed to… Yet at the same time, I feel what I did was necessary.
Right or wrong it is done now and I cannot take it back.
I have come out to a number of people. Not many, but enough. There are some who I have avoided coming out to for a number of reasons, most of them selfish.
One was a coworker who I had considered talking to on more than one occasion. The same one who has commented on my hair and nails on a few occasions, but I was ambivalent about telling her the truth. Today I did after she made another comment about my nails.
She told me the reason why they bothered her and it has nothing to do with jealousy. The fact she was willing to share such a personal, private subject with me prompted me to do the same and so now she knows I’m Trans, though I didn’t go into detail. Maybe later if she asks… My real concern about talking to her has been I don’t trust her not to tell everyone we work with, but I guess it’s too late to be second guessing myself now. All I can is wait and see what happens, if anything.
The second person is someone I have known longer than anyone other than blood relatives. We have been friends for so long I sometimes can’t remember a time before I knew him. He made a comment to me on Facebook using my male name. Of course it’s the only thing he knows, but it was about friendship and it touched a nerve I thought long mended. You see, we haven’t spoken directly since my Mother died several years ago now. We have both moved on with our lives and simply drifted apart as so often happens, yet I still feel the sting of his absence in my life. So when he left his comment, I replied. Not very well I will admit and it confused him which isn’t surprising. Still I decided to give him my correct contact information and the address of this blog. Again, all I can do now is wait…
I have said before I am tired of feeling as if I am lying to people, hiding myself away out of fear and uncertainty. I am sick of trying to live in two worlds, my life split between one reality and another… As I was told as a child; it is better to tell the truth than to try and keep all of your lies straight. I never realized just how true this was until I found myself walking a razors edge between the lies I had told for so many years and the truth I am still discovering.
It’s funny. In my last session with Jodi this very topic came up. How I always fear the worst, but it never seems to happen… Well, now I am putting this to the ultimate test. If my fears come to be, then everything I have worked all these years for has been for nothing and I will find myself trying to start over sooner than later. It will also mean a life long friendship has come crashing down…
Another bridge burnt by my own hand.
It’s a strange feeling when you suddenly realize, to your children, you sound much the same as your parents and grandparents sounded to you when you were young.
I grew up with television, FM radio, and V8 engines, but I clearly remember my parents and especially my grandmother talking about how much had changed since they were kids. Of course back then it was impossible to think any of the adults in my life had ever been as young as myself, but they were. Once.
The talk of the times they sat around the radio in the evenings, just as we do the television today, except the pictures were in their heads and not on a screen. Long, lazy Summer afternoons and cold Winter nights curled up with a book because that was entertainment in those long ago days and just as I couldn’t imagine not having a television, todays children cannot imagine life without computers and cellphones.
They could never understand getting out of the house to just get away. No phone calls, no constant stream of information. Just time alone with your thoughts or maybe to spend time with friends walking, riding bikes, or when you were old enough, going for a drive in your friends beat up Pinto Wagon, Gremlin, or Pacer… you know because it was the only thing they could afford which was a sight better than you.
Those were the days of hanging out listening to the new record someone’s parents got them for passing a test, or birthday, or maybe Christmas. Of weekends at the Roller Rink and cruising Main Street on a Friday night.
It was catching a matinee movie or family night at the Drive In. It was when going to a fast food joint was a treat and you went to the library to get books, records, and magazines because you spent your allowance on candy the day you were handed the money and your best friend in the whole world refused to let you borrow that copy of Teen you were dying to read.
It was a world of three channels and that other one which always showed the Lawrence Welk Show.A world of transistor radios which turned into Boom Boxes. Of 8 Tracks becoming Cassette Tapes and the slow death of vinyl. Though there was still time to find some wonderful cover art before it was too late.
It was also a time of awful fashion statements, though we didn’t see it then. Neon tops and stone washed jeans. Headbands and Leg Warmers. Leopard prints and zebra stripes. Studded bracelets, belts, and Michael Jackson look alike pleather jackets. It was Rock’n Roll and Breakdancing.
It was the age of the “Brat Pack”; The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles and Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It was Back in Black and Electric Avenue. Pat Benatar and Bruce Springsteen.
It was the best time of our lives… only because we aren’t living them anymore, except in our memories.
One day our children will look back with fondness to these childhood years and find in themselves an echo of us.
Smile… It make people wonder what you’ve been up to.
I have been struggling to work on IdentyLeak for awhile now. One thing has been in understanding my potential audience. It was suggested I write it to my children as a way to explain who I am, but this approach never felt right. I thought of speaking to a room full of strangers and how I would give a speech about my life, yet this didn’t feel right either. At last I decided to do it as a full blown coming out to a long time friend of mine. Someone I have known since Junior High, actually longer, but we were close friend for many of our school years. We haven’t spoken in a number of years now, not since my mother died. The thing is, I know there are things I have told him about myself or that I have done over the years which he simply could never bring himself to accept as the truth, so I’m pretty sure he would be shocked if I were to sit him down and have an honest conversation. That he would refuse to believe me, even if I were to fully transition first, is a given. He’s just that kind of person… sure of himself and arrogant enough to believe what he thinks he knows to be the only truth regardless of the evidence standing right in front of him.
Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t think ill of him, though he has tried my patience more than once. It is simply I know what sort of person he is. I know what he has done in the past and has never shown any desire to change, so I think it safe to assume I can predict his reactions now. If by chance he ever happens across this blog or any of my writing, then he can prove me wrong.
Of course he knew me by another name, and as it happens he even unfriended me of Facebook without realizing what he was doing, but if he took the time to read any of what I have spoken of regarding my past, I know he could put the pieces together.
All in all, I now have a starting point and a person to speak to as I write. The result is I have written just shy of 3500 words in a single day and I already have my thoughts turned toward what I want to write tomorrow.
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