Experience, Gender, Gender Identity, Girl Inside, Information, Inspiration, Kira, Life, Memories, MtF, Pain, Personal, Pride, Smile, Thoughts, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual, Weather, Winter, Writing

Quite A Day

Well today has had its ups and downs… (but more ups!)

First of all we woke up to more than three inches of snow on the ground, actually I think we had closer to five at our house. Then had a fight and near meltdown with the oldest when he was told he was going to shovel the drive. I probably should have stuck to my guns, but o be honest, I wasn’t up to fighting about it, not today so I just did it myself. 

The A was called into work which left me with no choice but to walk to Costco to get dinner. No big deal except they haven’t bothered with the residential roads around our house which means the whole way was pretty much a sheet of ice… as I found out on the way to the store. One second I was up, the next I was on the ground. Fortunately my pride is a bit bruised along with some other parts of me but nothing seems to be broken. Still, I am going to be stiff and sore by morning.

Funny enough I feel it was worth it after my time in the store. I went out without my hair, (which considering my fall, I am glad for). No makeup. Just a sweatshirt, jeans, work boots, and a ball cap… and well, my coat of course… Now I was wearing silicone “boosters” so I have a little chest going, but you can’t tell in my winter jacket, at least I don’t think you can… anyway, I was correctly gendered several times, mis-gendered only once, and one time a woman stopped to talk to me about what I was getting for dinner, (meatloaf with mashed potatoes), she at first called me ‘sir’ until she looked at me and corrected herself with “Miss” and she apologized!

I think I spent the whole time smiling.

Now I don’t expect everyday to go as smooth, but it has been a real confidence builder to say the least. 

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Crime, Emotions, Family, Girl Inside, Kira, Memory, MtF, Pain, Personal, Questioning, Thoughts, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual

What Have I Done?

I’ve been debating if I should write this post or not…

Some things are painfully personal, some are just difficult to put into words. Whatever the case, I haven’t found a way to put my emotions into words… not really…

Still if you will bear with me, I need to work my way through this and writing it down seems to be the only way I can focus in on the issues.

 

 have reached a painful point. More so than I expected. The past two weekends have seen me going into the world not as him, but as me. Not day long excursions, but for many hours none the less. Time spent in environments where I have felt just safe enough I didn’t run back home to hide behind closed doors… I’m not sure how what I have written about this looks to anyone looking in from the outside, but all of this is happening  now because things finally reached a point where I could no longer say “no.” No longer hide who and what I am behind this facade any longer. It simply became too painful. There was too much stress in continuing to try and be someone I am not.

This place where I am now is not without its costs. I have paid a price by waiting as long as I have, never mind I thought I had every valid reason for doing so, and in some ways think I still do. It has cost me dearly in personal pain, doubt, and fear.

Yet I am not alone in having to pay for my actions, these decisions. A too is paying a price I cannot fully understand. I know this has caused her so much pain and sorrow… I know I have made her cry. Something which I had hoped to never do… It tears my apart to know what I have done… what I am still doing. 

I never wanted this to happen.

From where I am now I can see that in discovering who I am, I have probably destroyed our marriage… we promised on another we would work through anything, only cheating would rip our union apart.

Now here I am, the other woman who has driven a wedge between a man and his wife.

Lets be honest here; from where she stands, A must see me as something she never expected to have to fight, Another woman who has consumed her husband, who, like the Dark Side has reduced him to a shell which still looks the same but the person inside is a stranger.

I am the evil twin, who looks the same, sounds the same, has many of the same habits and mannerisms, but who is not who I pretended to be for so long.

Right now I am standing at the top of the mountain, having struggled for so long to reach this place. With a single step I will end one part of my journey and begin following a new path.

Yet I hesitate.

One step… so small a thing, yet so large. It is beyond imagining. To leave on life behind and take up another… to, with a single decision destroy nearly two decades of not just one life, but four others as well. Nothing will be, indeed can be, the same once I do this. I don’t know where I might be going, yet I can never go back to where I was.

I don’t know if I can do this. I really don’t. I can’t say I am strong enough. Determined enough. 

I am standing in a ruined castle, the roof gone, the walls shattered. All around me which was once safe and secure now lies in rubble and I don’t know if I can ever rebuild…

You see, I have been here before. 

All the walls I built, the fortress which protected and sheltered me, gone.

Gone.

I close my eyes and for as far as I can see is desolation. A blasted and seared landscape. The waters polluted, the soil salted.

I stand here and ask myself; 

What have I done?

The wind, so cold and lonely cannot answer.

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Emotions, Experience, Gender, Gender Identity, Girl Inside, Information, Inspiration, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Smile, Thoughts, Transgender, Work In Progress, Writing

Out Shopping

Today I went out for the first time other than for Halloween. It wasn’t for very long, just a short shopping trip to Ulta but I went on my own and had a very pleasant time.

I think the most nervous time was walking across the parking lot but once I was in the store I was fine. Shari was on her lunch break and JT now works at another store so I spent time talking to some of the other employees and received some very good advice on skin care and makeup choices. Shari did come back and we had a chance to talk and I’m glad we did. She assured me on several points, one my voice is fine, she has spoken to a number of women who’s voices are much deeper than mine. Also my presentation isn’t a problem, I come across as confident and sure of myself. My walk is fine and the way I carry myself doesn’t draw attention to me, which is a long winded way of saying I can go out of the house without scaring small children or animals. She agreed, I’m my own worse critic and I will be bound to be over sensitive to others reactions, at least for awhile until I’m use to being out on my own. So again, it’s all about small steps. I have taken one more now and returned in one piece which does give my confidence a nice boost. Of course I have yet to go into a major retail store such as Target or Wal-Mart, but I really don’t have a reason to concerned. As long as I maintain my poise and am certain I belong wherever I am, no one should have a reason to think about me twice.

I will admit it is going to be a slow process until I am presenting this way the majority of the time, yet I can see it happening. It isn’t if anymore but when.

One other little note here, I have spent more than half the day as Kira and the kids seem to be taking it better than I expected, maybe, just maybe seeing the reality on a regular basis will prove to be no less noteworthy. As with anything, only time will tell. 

The important thing to me at this moment is how comfortable I am in my own skin. I know this isn’t optimal, still it is enough for me now. Before today the thought of walking out in broad daylight as myself set my stomach into knots, yet when I was getting ready to go out, there was nothing but a pleasant feeling for getting out of the house for a time. 

This is how I would like for it to be everyday and I think it will be.

Oh, I almost forgot… I bought some NYX Photo loving primer and NYX Stay matte but flat liquid foundation, both quite affordable too as they were buy one, get one 50% off.

Oh, and yes, after all of these years of wondering if I could ever walk in public and be seen as a woman… 

I now know…

Yes.

I.

Can!

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Emotions, Family, Girl Inside, Holiday, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Thanksgiving, Thoughts, Transgender, Transsexual

Looking Forward Through The Week

I’m not sure what to think of this week. On one hand it’s a short week, which is good; on the other Thursday is a family holiday which will be spent with A’s family. I’m not complaining, at least we don’t have to deal with my side of the family, which was stressful for the few years we tried. Have I ever mentioned I’m the black sheep of my mother’s side? Yes, well, it’s a long, long story…

Anyway, the main thing for me is only one person on her side knows about me, to everyone else I’m still him… yecch.. So I get to spend a whole day being “one of the boys.” Can you tell how overjoyed I am?

Ok, enough of being a smart aleck… 

I’m rather nervous about this year, I really would like for it to be enjoyable and so I don’t want to find myself sinking into a depressed funk. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but I’ll figure out something.

Speaking of being out… I keep thinking about going out on the weekend to shop or just go around town or whatever and it keeps turning my stomach into knots… Not just this weekend, any weekend… It’s a combination of excitement and dread. 

I know A isn’t comfortable with the idea, but she’s being supportive none the less. She didn’t even say anything when I went to therapy wearing my wig… though the boys made an over exuberant show of dismay until they couldn’t keep a straight face… still, I can’t imagine the reaction if I went to the in-laws en femme and I don’t plan to find out… not this year anyway.

And maybe this is the real crux of my problem… I know this is going to happen sooner than later. I’m just holding off the inevitable, but I just can’t say I’m ready face A’s parents as myself yet.

Too much self doubt, too much fear.

Of course the thought of being out and about in broad daylight is pretty scary too, but odds are I’m not going to meet anyone I know or if I do, they will act like they don’t know me which is almost as good from my point of view.

I have to break this cycle of fear I’ve been living in. As I said, I don’t know 99.9% of the people I will walk past. They have no impact on my life beyond what I allow them to have.

I just have to remind myself of this fact.

Maybe most important of all… I want this. I want to live my life as myself and not as anyone else thinks I should be. I’ve gone that route as far as I can and I can’t go back… not and keep my sanity.

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Emotions, Family, Gender, Gender Identity, Girl Inside, Holiday, Kira, Life, Magic, Memories, MtF, Personal, Smile, Thoughts, Transgender, Transsexual, Work In Progress, Writing

Aftermath

No, it isn’t as bad as the title sounds. I just wanted to go back over some things from Halloween which I didn’t get to before and also how I am feeling about everything now I have had a few days to let it settle.

For one , several things happened during my makeover, the first was I mentioned to JT the one thing I worried about was my voice and he said it was fine. I have gotten sort of a mixed bag in regards to my voice, some think it’s effeminate or female especially after talking to me on the phone. Others have said I sound male, but these are usually people who have known me for a while. Still, having someone who has just met me think I sound passable does mean a lot more than I expected. Also, while I was in the chair, a lady stopped by to watch and said she was just wondering what “she” was having done because she was curious about an eyebrow wax. I thought poor A was going to lose it, but she kept a pretty straight face. A did note, she wasn’t sure if the woman really thought I was female or if she was just being nice, but I don’t care, it was nice to hear. I also wanted to note getting a makeover was a lot of fun. I know plenty of people who would never setting in a seat for an hour to be enjoyable, but I did, same with getting a manicure, it’s just a great feeling to be pampered even a little bit.

When I was out with the kids, we went to a local strip mall where the stores were doing candy handouts because of the poor weather. Plenty of light and quite a few people, and I only received on double take from a bar owner when one o the kids called me “dad”. It was the same at Bass Pro which had even better lighting. The man who took my picture on the motorcycle only hesitated for a moment when I gave him my male name for their information… I regretted not using Kira, but it was for a legal release to use the picture and I didn’t want to do something which might come back to bite me. I had a woman tell her son to move out of the “ladies way” when he backed in front of me and when I needed to find a restroom, no batted an eye when I asked directions, though I made a point of asking about the family facilities, which thankfully they have two.

Then Friday at work A showed my picture to her coworkers and none of them who have met me could believe it was me. One even said had she seen me on the street she never would have known it was me and another showed it to her husband and asked him, “what do you think?” to which he responded “Yeah, she’s pretty.” He was then informed it was a picture of a man and received a dirty look… of course this is someone who is a die hard catholic and very much against such things, so over all I thought it was a great response.

The main thing is, yes, it was a crappy night, weather wise, but other than being cold, I had a great time. 

A mentioned from the time we started the evening that it was obvious I was having fun. Even now I still smile when thinking about it.

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Discovery, Gender, Gender Identity, Girl Inside, Information, Kira, Life, MtF, Opinion, Personal, Resource, Therapy, Thoughts, Transgender, Transsexual, Work In Progress, Writing

A Productive Day (Update)

(I had to change the initials of the specialist, he’s JT not KT.)

 

Sorry this is so late, I had to wait for the kids to go to bed.. and then, well I fell asleep for a bit.

I took three photos, not the best as I used my iFace camera, but it’s what I had in a pinch. I will have much better photos for Halloween!

There’s more to this story which I will share after the photos.

Kira

Kira 2

kira

So there you have it. In the third pic I think I look a little crazy from the way I was looking into the camera!

Now for the rest of the story…

First, my day started at 5:30AM when I got up to get ready for my therapy session. There we talked about AC’s hospital stay and his treatment. We also talked about my talk with the boys and their reactions and my reaction to them. Over all, it was good and I’m glad I have someone I can talk to about these things.

Now for the second part of the day.

A decided I needed a pick-me-up, so she suggested we go to Ulta Beauty to see what they had. I really needed some new makeup, especially foundation. Something which goes better with my skin tone. It wasn’t long before we were pretty confused from all the choices and I suggested we ask for help.

First we met Sandy, a very helpful person who had some good advice on concealers. When we explained about going out on Halloween, she immediately suggested one of their specialists, JT.

W also met one of the managers, but I forget his name… Sorry! He was great to talk to as well and also recommended JT.

One thing of note here, I explained to both of them what I was looking for, and was asked if this was a one time thing or everyday and neither of them blinked an eye when I explained I’m trans. It was such a relief to be so open and honest, I still smile thinking about it.

We had to leave and come back as JT wasn’t on the clock yet so we did some quick shopping for Dinner and headed home long enough to grab a bite to eat and feed the kids, then it was back to Ulta.

JT is their brow specialist but he also consults on makeup. He is wonderful! Very personable and very professional. I explained what I wanted and he had some different suggestions for my makeup including doing a two part foundation. He even took it upon himself to do the application at no cost.The end look is what you see in the pictures.

One other thing I had done while I was there was to have my brows shaped. Did mention he is their specialist? I went with waxing as it gives the best results and it was a fairly quick process though I won’t kid you, it wasn’t pain free, but no where near as bad as I feared.

Overall it was a great experience and I’m glad A suggested it. I now have a place to go for beauty products where I won’t feel out of place.

So, to end this long story…

I made an appointment with JT to do my makeup on Halloween. A and I could do it, but this is more convenient and I think the results are going to be amazing. Oh, and best part is it’s only $30+tip. I think it’s money well spent.

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Blogging, Depression, Discovery, Dysphoria, Emotions, Experience, Gender, Gender Identity, Girl Inside, Inspiration, Kira, Life, Longing, Memories, MtF, Pain, Personal, Readers, Suicide, Thoughts, Transsexual, Understanding, Writing

Fear

Have you ever wanted to break open the emotional piggy bank and let everything out, but your afraid to because other people are watching and they might not understand, might take what you say or do the wong way or worse yet, use you as an example of what they should or should not be thinking, feeling, or doing?

 

Maybe I’m just too sensitive for my own good.

 

When I first started blogging, I let everything show. I was wearing my heart on my sleeve and everyone could see when I was bleeding to death, even those times I couldn’t see it for myself. The thing was, I didn’t think about how my words were impacting others. I guess hiding behind a computer screen made it all seem surreal. Yes, I was I was in pain, lost and confused and I needed some way to make sense out of it all and writing just seemed to be a natural way to do so… those cool, black letters sitting on the screen gave me a calm, rational way to look inside my own head. The problem of course is, others get to look as well.

I first began to worry about his when I thought I was acting like a puppy chasing my own tail, just going over the same ground again and again, but I still didn’t connect the dots.

Then one day I did. I mean I really, really did. I have seen others reference something I said or even an entire post and while it was amazing to see, I failed to appreciate just what was happening. There were people out there, real, living, breathing human beings who read my words and they had a large enough effect someone felt a need to answer in their own way.

That’s enough to scare the be-jebbers out of me when I let it sink in.

I understand the power of words, I know how helpful they can be when spoken at just the right moment. I also know how dangerous they can be and how much damage, unintended or otherwise, they can do when misspoken.

Once, a long time ago on a service far, far away; I was quite active in message boards and chat rooms. It was all very interesting. I met some great people and had some fun times jumping from one place to the next. Yet it didn’t feel real to me, not really, until I got into a singular conversation with a young lady and I made a terrible mistake.

You see, she confessed to having been raped when she was younger. We spent a good deal of time discussing this and the fact she blamed herself for what happened… I meant to tell her is wasn’t her fault, that she did nothing wrong… I typed away and hit “Enter” and then read what I had just sent…

“It was your fault.”

One stupid, thoughtless typo and I had just destroyed someone life. 

I was horrified, I tried to explain, I tried to apologize, but how can you ever undo something like that? Simple. You can’t. Ever. I was able to work through it with her but it took hours, days, and even now I doubt the damage was ever undone in even the smallest way. Just thinking of it now, all these years later, still makes me sick to my stomach. We did stay in touch for awhile but eventually she faded away and I can only hope and pray is she was alb to get the help she needed and is living a happier life today. But I’ll never know for sure and I have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life.

Knowing this, I am ashamed of the fact I again fell into a place where the words didn’t hold that same sense of danger as they did that night so long ago. One would think I would never forget a lesson such as that, but I did. When it finally came back to me, it nearly paralyzed me. I’ve been deathly afraid of opening up this way again, to show to you who read this that sometimes I end up fighting the same battles over and over again. To show there are good days, bad day, and some really horrible, terrible days when I find myself wanting to physically harm myself. I’m afraid to show the extent of the emotional scars I carry. The depths to which I sometimes fall. I know, we all know, life isn’t a perfect rose without thorns. It can be dirty and nasty and it can hurt you. Really, really badly. The thing is, I don’t want it to be my words which cause such pain. It rips my own heart to pieces when it happens and I can never fully forgive myself.

This has meant days when all I can do is link to news stories, or maybe reblog a post I think is interesting and some times it’s just a simple little poem to fill the empty spaces…

But it hurts my writing when I try to censor myself. When I try to polish off the edges of my emotions. 

Sometimes what I think and feel is like walking across a parking lot covered in glass shards. Sometimes I am so overcome with emotions my face is soaked with tears… How do I convey such thing to you? I mean really… in the desert which is a computer screen, where words are truly black and white, without all of the inflection of a human voice to carry them….

How do I do this?

More to the point, how do I do this without causing harm where none is intended? How can I show you the hope I hold in my heart even when I am crying? How to I shine a light into the darkness when I am terrified of the dark? How do I show you… any of you…

That despite all the pain, all of sadness and fear, there is a reason to continue on. A reason to fight for a future which might never come, but never will unless we demand it?

How… how do I show you I wouldn’t want to do anything other than what I have, made the decisions I have made, walked this road I have walked, putting one foot in front of the other even when it seems pointless because I simply could not imagine doing otherwise…

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