Another Tour Inside My Mind.

First of all, today was better than the last few. A and I got out and about which I am sure helped. One of the problems with dealing with depression, especially when it digs in deep, is the exhaustion. Doing anything physical leaves me feeling as if I haven’t slept in weeks and though I enjoyed being out of the house, I found myself needing to sleep for several hours. Thankfully it was a better rest than I have gotten many nights when it seems as though all I do is toss and turn, unable to get comfortable or to get my brain to shut off.

When I was trying to relax this afternoon a thought came to me that I need to shift the way I think about what happened in the past. Most of the time I have viewed my memories through the lens of being male when the truth is, this was never the way I actually experienced those events. I tend to think of them in terms of what “he” did or said or experienced and not how I did.

Maybe this sounds strange, I’m sure it isn’t how most people think of their past but I think it is the way I do.

I need to think of these things in terms of what I remember, what I experienced, what I thought and felt and stop trying to embrace something I was never able to fully comprehend. 

The interesting thing is, I think back on so many instances when I would do something or have a question and I would tell myself everyone else did or thought the same things and yet the thought of asking or talking about them was terrifying. I knew then, as I know now, I was not the same as everyone else and they did not have the same thoughts or questions as I did and they would not understand, so I kept my silence.

So, knowing this, why have I thought I could compare myself to whatever self image I had  based those around me? 

Remember the saying, “If a fish judges its self compared to a cat and the cats ability to climb a tree, it will always believe it is useless.”

It’s the same thing for me, a trans person, trying to compare myself to a world full of cis people and by the same token, those cis people around me, judging based on their expectations.

It’s no wonder I’ve spent a lifetime thinking I was broken and worthless.

I Was Recently Informed I’m Not a Transsexual | Advocate.com

I Was Recently Informed I’m Not a Transsexual | Advocate.com:

“I was giving my Gender 101 presentation to an important corporate client in the Bay Area recently when I got to terms and definitions. It was then I learned I am no longer a transsexual. I tried to define the difference between ‘transgender’ and ‘transsexual’ but was stopped by three young people — two of whom identified themselves as nonbinary — who took strong exception to the word ‘transsexual.’”

What Does Transgender Mean, and How Do People Transition?

A nice primer.

 

What Does Transgender Mean, and How Do People Transition?:

“It’s the latest fight in LGBTQ battlegrounds across the world: transgender rights. From Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transitioning to the battle over bathroom access, transgender news is flooding the mainstream. And while being transgender is as old as the human race itself, for many people, the topic is new.

How does someone transition from one gender to another? What are transgender people, and what do they look like? For the uninitiated, here’s your primer on being transgender and being a good transgender ally.”

(Via. Dailydot)

We Exist: The 10 Episode Trans Documentary Series – TRANZGENDR

We Exist: The 10 Episode Trans Documentary Series – TRANZGENDR:

“We Exist is a 10 episode documentary series, consisting of 22 minute episodes hosted by Isley Reust. Season one follows the lives of transgender men and women serving in; the armed forces, law enforcement, fire rescue, as well as all spectrums of the medical field.

Each episode showcases a new person in a new town as Ms. Reust travels the globe, interviewing these remarkable men and women, while capturing their stories in addition to sharing their daily lives.”

Hawaii Film About Transgender Woman Is At Center Of Federal Debate – Honolulu Civil Beat

Hawaii Film About Transgender Woman Is At Center Of Federal Debate – Honolulu Civil Beat:

“A documentary film about a transgender woman in Hawaii that has received awards and won wide praise is being cited by a Republican congressman as a waste of government money and a reason to eliminate federal funding for public broadcasting.”

All Too Visible: The New Terrorism Targeting Trans Communities

All Too Visible: The New Terrorism Targeting Trans Communities:

“A recent wave of attacks on LGBTQ community centers targeting transgender people has left our community in the United States on edge. From Washington, DC, to Los Angeles, incidents ranging from vandalism to threats to outright assault have become the face of a newly emboldened public transphobia.”

(Via. Truthout)