Shivers

Saturday was a busy day. Busy enough all I could do was eat a little Dinner and went to bed early.

I started out with therapy, which went well. The nice thing at this point is I am looking past dealing with gender issues and moving on to the other things I need/want to work past. 

As I said, I am in the process of decluttering my life and this really does mean in every way I can. It isn’t just about throwing some things away or straightening out a closet, though those things are part of it. I also need to deal with my emotional baggage which has weighed me down every bit as much as boxes of stuff.

One of the things I told Jodi was I need to work through my resentment and anger for things from the past. In some cases, these things go back more years than I care to think about… a lifetime and more. I need to let them go. In many cases the people aren’t even alive. There will never be a way to get closer, not from them, not as long as I hold on to the memories. All I am doing is giving someone else power in my life. Power they did not earn or deserve. It is time for me to take it back. 

In so many ways this is the same as emptying out an old box. It does me no good just sitting there taking up space for which I can find a better use.

Thankfully so much more is going on than therapy. A and I took time to get out by ourselves. We really need the time alone to decompress from what is more times than not  two week spent inside four walls where it can be difficult to just think, never mind having an adult conversation.

We needed to look for a new recliner, which we didn’t find, but we spent the day going through thrift stores and consignment shops. I wasn’t looking to buy anything for myself today, as I said, I was wanting to find a decent chair as well as clothes for the boys. (Being boys they are hard on clothes when they aren’t outgrowing them at an alarming pace). As it turned out, A had a different idea, so when we happened across a Coach wallet which matches the purse we bought awhile back, she got it… and gave it to me. It was unexpected and a wonderful surprise which I am still smiling about. I’ll post some pictures of them both when I get the chance.

Oh, speaking of being out, we went back to store we were in a few weeks ago which sells a lot of furniture. The sales lady is someone we have dealt with before. When we first started looking we had our backs to her and she asked if she could “help you ladies,” (Sorry, I still get a charge when I’m correctly gendered), the only down side was when we turned to her and she recognized me from our last visit where I had to use my male ID, so she apologized saying she didn’t recognize me. One day this won’t happen as no one will remember me as anyone other than Kira, but for now I understand it and assured her she hadn’t hurt my feelings in the least. Even though it wasn’t entirely the way I would have liked, this was another instance of validation for me. When just being myself is enough to deserve being seen properly more often than not.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I was presenting more as myself with the exception of my hair. It was simply too windy to risk wearing a wig… I really need to invest in some bobby pins… but in any case, I did have my hair in a pony tail to keep it out of my face. Of course wearing a heavy winter coat tends to make everyone look like stuffed sausages, so I know certain tale-tale things weren’t obvious which makes such recognition even better.

 

I’ve done a great deal of talking here and in past posts yet I find words alone are not enough to truly express just how different my life is at this moment. How much it feels as if I mountain has been lifted off my chest. I can breath, for the first time in I don’t remember when. I am able to breathe. More than this, I am able to feel. Sitting here I have tears in my eyes, not from sadness or fear but from simple happiness. I can’t think of the last time i could say such a thing.

I am happy.

Such a simple statement to try and convey so much.

I know for many this isn’t a big deal, nothing to sit and ponder over for hours at a time, yet when you have never had this sort of freedom it is almost overwhelming.

I can see possibility opening up before me. A glimpse of a life I didn’t know until recently even existed.

I suppose I could look back on my life with resentment, after all, there are all of those years which could have been like this. Years which I could think of as having been stolen from me, yet I don’t. I can’t. Such things seem a waste of time and energy which could be better spent elsewhere and so I am enjoying the moment as brief as it may be.

The realization I can do this is enough to send shivers running down my spine… in a good way. 🙂

 

Some Thoughts On Writing

As with any writer, professional or not, I would like to become better with the words I use and the ways in which I present them. One of the ways I seek to do this is through reading the works and advice of other writers who’s work I enjoy.

Often I find interesting tidbits I can glean to use for myself, sometimes I simply get insight into how others think and work. Then there are the times I read something and think to myself, “I could never do… such and such.” Not because I lack the ability or the desire but because it runs counter to how my creative process works.

An example of this is outlining. Some people do so extensively, mapping out their thoughts to the Nth detail. Others are like myself, free form writers who follow where their hearts lead, often as surprised and delighted as a reader is at each new, unexpected twist. 

I have tried over and over again to become proficient at outlining. This was true as recently as a year or so ago after I read about J.K. Rowling and her almost obsessive outlines for the Harry Potter books. Well, let me just say it may have worked out spectacularly for her but for me it was an unmitigated disaster. I simply cannot work the way she does, nor I suppose many others like her. I need a free flow form to let the thoughts go from mind to pen to paper. 

Another idea I read recently was in regards to improving the writing of blog posts. It was all just a part of someone’s thoughts on how to become a better blogger, (writer), and increase readership. To be honest, I no longer think much about the stats for this site. I know there will be those who wish to read what I am writing and those who don’t and the numbers are just that, numbers. It’s the interaction through reading and commenting which has the greatest impact for myself, not the pretty graphs, charts, and other means of measurement I have at my disposal. No. It’s the interaction, the understanding I have a real impact on the lives of real people which keeps me here, writing even on those days when I just want to get sloppy drunk and go hide under the covers… 

The suggestion which brought me to writing all of this was; write a post and then set it aside. Let it simmer for a bit, go back and edit. Then edit again until the thought has been finely distilled. Then and only then should you click on “Post”.

Sounds like a decent enough plan I suppose. The problem is, this isn’t how I write. Oh, there are times when it takes me a little while to get my thoughts in order enough I think of them as being presentable, and goodness knows I’ve missed the mark more than once, yet for the most part the only real editing I do is looking for spelling and grammar errors. Sometimes I will go back and change a word here or there which I think cleans things up or makes them clearer, but for the most part what you read is what I wrote the first time.

There have been times when someone has described my writing here as “honest, raw, or compelling” and I always catch my breath when I read such things. I am amazed and dazzled by the thought anyone would not only read what I write, but feel compelled to say something in return and I think the reason all of this has had as much of an impact as it has, on myself and others, is because I don’t go back and clean things up. I don’t attempt to make things look any better than they really are because life is messy and sometimes so are the words we use to describe it.

I want to share with you not only the words in my head, but the emotions which drive them. Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes not, yet to try and polish things up into a nice neat bundle means chipping away at the raw, natural beauty of the moment in which something is stamped onto the page. There is an imprint left on paper and soul.

I know there are those who have only ever written using a computer, but there are those who, like myself, have many memories of pounding away at a manual typewriter and any of them can tell you of the almost savage joy which comes from concentrating all of your emotions at the tip of a single finger. Feeling the force of the key being struck. Of watching as the arm flies toward the paper with all of the angst we can muster. Of watching as it strikes the ribbon with such force it not only transfers the ink to the paper, but leaves a physical indent in the surface with a whip crack sound.

Oh yes, it is possible to transfer a great deal of emotion from heart to screen. I know because I have done so, but there always seems to be something missing and it is a jaw clinching, teeth grinding satisfaction which comes from the very physical interaction of thought and deed.

It is that one moment. The instant of impact I seek to give to you.

The charge of raw emotion.

The primal scream which surges into your throat.

The exhaustion pouring through your veins, knowing you have left everything on the paper, in black and white, to be judged my an uncaring world.

To understanding you can finally rest, even if just for one night, the demons trapped in a ribbon of black and red, their power spent for now.

Aftermath

No, it isn’t as bad as the title sounds. I just wanted to go back over some things from Halloween which I didn’t get to before and also how I am feeling about everything now I have had a few days to let it settle.

For one , several things happened during my makeover, the first was I mentioned to JT the one thing I worried about was my voice and he said it was fine. I have gotten sort of a mixed bag in regards to my voice, some think it’s effeminate or female especially after talking to me on the phone. Others have said I sound male, but these are usually people who have known me for a while. Still, having someone who has just met me think I sound passable does mean a lot more than I expected. Also, while I was in the chair, a lady stopped by to watch and said she was just wondering what “she” was having done because she was curious about an eyebrow wax. I thought poor A was going to lose it, but she kept a pretty straight face. A did note, she wasn’t sure if the woman really thought I was female or if she was just being nice, but I don’t care, it was nice to hear. I also wanted to note getting a makeover was a lot of fun. I know plenty of people who would never setting in a seat for an hour to be enjoyable, but I did, same with getting a manicure, it’s just a great feeling to be pampered even a little bit.

When I was out with the kids, we went to a local strip mall where the stores were doing candy handouts because of the poor weather. Plenty of light and quite a few people, and I only received on double take from a bar owner when one o the kids called me “dad”. It was the same at Bass Pro which had even better lighting. The man who took my picture on the motorcycle only hesitated for a moment when I gave him my male name for their information… I regretted not using Kira, but it was for a legal release to use the picture and I didn’t want to do something which might come back to bite me. I had a woman tell her son to move out of the “ladies way” when he backed in front of me and when I needed to find a restroom, no batted an eye when I asked directions, though I made a point of asking about the family facilities, which thankfully they have two.

Then Friday at work A showed my picture to her coworkers and none of them who have met me could believe it was me. One even said had she seen me on the street she never would have known it was me and another showed it to her husband and asked him, “what do you think?” to which he responded “Yeah, she’s pretty.” He was then informed it was a picture of a man and received a dirty look… of course this is someone who is a die hard catholic and very much against such things, so over all I thought it was a great response.

The main thing is, yes, it was a crappy night, weather wise, but other than being cold, I had a great time. 

A mentioned from the time we started the evening that it was obvious I was having fun. Even now I still smile when thinking about it.

My Halloween

So where to begin? There is a lot to talk about so I suppose I should simply begin at the beginning…

JT & Kira

I went to Ulta for my makeover with JT. I had a wonderful time and all the employees were wonderful and JT is a real master.

Then it was home to get the boys…

Kira

Unfortunately it’s been raining here for two days, though we did get a few breaks in the weather.

We went to a local strip mall to do some trick or treating because our usual place had postponed trick or treating until the weekend because of the weather.

Then it was over to Bass Pro. They were passing out treats and it was indoors. As it happened, the temps had started to drop and it was getting pretty miserable.

I didn’t know it but they had two of the OCC choppers in the store and we could get our picture taken with one…

Eragon

It was pretty neat 🙂

The fun part was I was out and about and no one said a word or gave me a second look. Of course it was dark, raining, and Halloween so I shouldn’t take this as a pass. Things might be different on a Monday afternoon at the grocery store… Still, it was wonderful evening and I felt wonderful.