Category: Mood

What I’m Listening To 4/9/14

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Learn how to get your music heard at ReverbNation.com

 

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Insert Name Here

I have been unsettled for the past several weeks… I can’t seem to find a better term for what I have been feeling. 

There has been so much to deal with, so many emotions and thoughts. Not just regarding myself but A and her family, the oldest boy and his issues, and the million and one little things which are a part of being an adult and parent in todays world.

I have tried to push things to the background because I simply don’t know how to deal with them at the moment, but just as with anything else, ignoring the problem only seems to make things worse.

 

The difficult part has been letting my mind sift through everything without trying to push for answers. I know, all too often, doing so only leads to what I am searching for to slip through my fingers. Because of this my moods have been up and down, not quite happy nor depressed, yet on the edge of both leaving me feeling as though my nerves have been run over with sand paper. There have been times when I moved through the day confident and my head held high and others when I just wanted to give up and crawl under a rock and yet when asked, I couldn’t really explain what I was feeling or why… more than a little frustrating to be sure.

This past Saturday was spent with A’s family and it was a strangely uncomfortable experience. Not because of anything which was said or done, but because it was the first time I was openly in their presence… (even though I knew none of them were ready to use my name or female pronouns,) still, they all knew about me. I didn’t feel angry or defensive, just sad for some reason… as if something has been lost though I don’t know what it is.

Also, last week I had my work physical, which proved to be interesting because I had to present myself suing my birth name which is clearly male. Still, the doctor, more than once, referred to me with feminine pronouns. It is more and more the same whenever I am out, no matter how much or little I may be “presenting.”

You see, though this makes me happy in many ways, here too there is a sadness I could not fully explain.

At first I thought maybe it was a matter of getting what I wished for not being what I really needed, then I thought it was an issue of not being worthy of happiness… yet neither of these really explained what I was feeling…

The tonight I was speaking to a friend and it dawned on me…

I’m doing something I have never allowed myself to do before…

Just being myself.

I’m not trying to meet anyone’s expectations.

It’s a new experience for me, uncharted waters… unexplored territory.

Like a bird who has been caged all of her life suddenly being set free to fly, it is as terrifying as it is exhilarating and I shouldn’t be surprised it is going to take some getting use to.

 

One last thing, going back to being around people who have known me for so long… both family and coworkers. I can better understand why some people decide to move away. To gain a fresh start with those who do not know the past. It is a difficult thing to face people day in and day out who, not through meanness or intolerance, cannot bring themselves to think of you in any other way than what they have always done. To be bombarded with the old name and pronouns and titles. To be told you look the same, sound the same… that you haven’t really changed, at least not in their eyes… It’s difficult… heartbreaking… Yet you cannot be upset with them… not really. As much as you want them to see you, to acknowledge you, accept you… the past ties powerful bonds which are difficult, if not impossible to break and to them you will always be {insert name here}.

What’s Under There?

I haven’t spoken too much about those things I need to feel more comfortable with myself and my appearance. I’m not sure why… maybe I’m a little embarrassed I need the help?

Anyway, I thought I would share some of my little secrets…

First off, a needed boost in the chest department.

Enhancers

Lingerie Solutions – Enhancers Silicone Bust Enlarging Bra Pads

I’m so glad A found these. They have made a real difference in my self confidence and comfort level.

They aren’t anything fancy such as the many breast forms out there, but they provide what I need and the cost was much more affordable,

From the Wal-Mart website:

Lingerie Solutions-Enhancers Bust Enlarging Silicone Bra Pads are push-up bra pads that allow you to accent your natural shape while giving you added push-up and cleavage. The bra pads are made with a 100 percent polyurethane covering and a 100 percent silicone interior. To use, simply insert these silicone bra enhancers into the bra pockets.Lingerie Solutions – Enhancers Silicone Bust Enlarging Bra Pads:100% polyurethane covering with 100% silicone interiorAccent your natural shape while giving you added push-up and cleavageSimply insert the enhancers into the bra pockets.

They are very comfortable and after awhile you forget they aren’t a part of you.

 

As Seen on TV Genie Bra XL, Black/Nude, 2-Pack (I think everything in Wal-Mart is “As Seen On TV” these days.)

Genie bra

From the Wal-Mart website:

Designed for comfort, support and style, this As Seen On TV Genie Bra XL makes a star-quality foundation for your wardrobe. Featuring a woven everlast comfort stretch fabric and form-fitting seamless construction, this 2-pack Black/Nude As Seen on TV Genie Bras will provide you with all-day comfort. The cups of this woven bra stretch to conform to your shape, and it has a magic pouch to slip in support pads for extra lift and coverage. The wide comfort-life band prevents rolling. With no wires or hooks, the As Seen on TV Genie Bra XL is machine washable and is designed to retain its shape through the wash.As Seen on TV Genie Bra XL, Black/Nude, 2-Pack:Woven everlast comfort stretch fabricForm-fitting seamless constructionCups stretch to conform to your shapeMagic pouch to slip in support pads for extra lift and coverageNo wires or hooksWide comfort-life band — no more rollingMachine washable — never loses shape.

 

And the real Tour de Force, which is in transit as we speak…

Underworks Rear and Hip Padded Brief

Underworks Padded Brief

From their website:

An instant derriere and rear enhancing brief that gives you a shapely and toned look in a “smooth and firm” spandex nylon that truly fits and feels smooth and flattering. Pads on rear and side are from a proprietary Underworks® exclusive mold that are perfectly formed to conform to your body while enhancing your shape and providing you with the curves you need so you look natural under anything you wear. No protruding pads, no unsightly lines, no unnatural hills and valleys, just a smooth blending of your body and a perfect enhancing partner. The enhance panty also flattens your tummy and features garter tabs. Pads are removable and washable. Made in U.S.A. of nylon and spandex smooth and firm fabric.

This should arrive by Friday.

 

One of the things I have had some difficulty with has been getting past some of my reservations regarding needing help with my physical presentation… In other words, there have been times when just ordering these things made me worry I was just a cross dresser with delusions of grander. In my head I know better, but sometimes my heart doesn’t listen…

 

I also know there are many women in the world who need and use the same products, yet it still leaves me with an uneasy feeling. Funny, when I really stop and think about it, even HRT would put me into an artificial state as it requires medical intervention… it isn’t “natural” which is what my I really want… but then, don’t we all?

Seriously, I have been told many times over the past several months I think too much. That I worry about things no one even thinks about and I suppose it’s true. Even without any of this I have been gendered as female more often than not. So maybe I am projecting my fears onto others…

On a similar note…

I have looked into voice lessons more than once and what I found interesting is the claim they can help you “pass” (THAT word again…) even over the phone which is really funny since most people assume I’m female when we speak. Even when I have to use my birth name, there is always that hint of disbelief while they speak to me… you know, that slight, are you serious? hesitation before they use a male pronoun. The other day I could tell the woman on the other end didn’t completely buy the idea she was speaking to a male. I even tried to roughen up my voice a little, but I don’t think it made an ounce of difference in her mind.

Well, getting this out has helped me to get out of my head as it were and now maybe I can let a little more of this go until I don’t even think of it. 

It Really Is Time I Got Over Myself

I have spent quite a bit of time working on this post. Over and over again I thought I had what I wanted to say down in the way I wanted to express myself only to find myself pushing the delete button.

I’m not sure what has made this difficult other than there is so much I wish to talk about my thoughts move faster than my fingers and I lose track of where I am going. Hopefully this time will be the magic time and what I want to say is understandable to anyone outside of my own head…

 

I have been up and down over the past several weeks. Most days have been pretty hum drum with nothing of note happening. As strange as it might sound, this was actually a problem though it took me a while to see it. I mentioned before I am not a weekend only girl. I need to express myself in someway beyond stealth dressing pretty much every day. To do otherwise is to risk putting myself into the wrong frame of mind. 

You see, when I find myself in a mental loop, I tend to find myself hanging onto whatever negative thoughts happen through my head. This has happened more than once with me pondering such things as what am I doing and where do I think I can go? Not being full time equals being a pretender. Then there is the whole, what do people see when they look at me? Do they just see a guy? How could they not… and on and on and on.

I finally reached a point I had to ask myself a question. No self deception, no lies… no bullshit.

Just what does such thoughts do for me? What do I gain by trying to punish  myself with these doubts? Then, even if I succeed in putting myself into a bad place, does it really change anything? Just why is the point of all of these thoughts and emotions?

Then I realized the answer was…

Nothing.

There really is no point to all of this. Nothing is going the change just because I insist on hurting myself. I can’t go back and pretend nothing has happened. I am not who I use to be. I have grown and changed in ways I can’t fully explain. The real question here is what about me makes me so certain I don’t deserve to be happy? To be myself? To live the life I know I can  live? 

Words spoken 30, 40 or more years ago by people who are no longer a part of my life, some not even alive anymore?

Really? 

Really.

I have lived a lifetime beyond those words and yet I have continued to let them have power over me. They have gained me nothing and almost cost me everything. 

So it’s time to let them rest in the past where they belong. Easier said than done I know, but it can be done and I will do it. I deserve better.

Here is another part of all of this, remaining in “boy mode” for extended time, regardless of the reason causes me issues. I begin to doubt myself. I question why I feel driven to be this person when all the world refuses to except me…

Then I realized something. For most of my life I have been hyper aware of the people around me, every look, every word spoken. Every laugh, every sneer… anything and everything. All of it I felt directed at me even when common sense says I’m over reacting. I mentioned this to Jodi and she told me it was a self confidence issue. Which makes what has been happening rather remarkable when I stop to think about it… 

I have been going out each weekend as myself. As Kira and you know what? I haven’t once thought about what anyone else thinks or says about me. It would be different if someone confronted me of course, but as long as they don’t… then I simply couldn’t care less. 

What a difference…

Now I am making the effort each day to set “him” aside and just be myself and it is making a difference. Even those times when I catch myself thinking about the way I walk, the way I talk, my mannerisms… they are passing and cannot affect me the way they use to. 

I simply cannot make the emotional connections I use to. Yes these are things I wonder about but they cannot set their hooks into me and drag me down into those deep, dark places.

The thing is; I asked myself something the other day… Why is it I can walk though a crowded store and be unaffected by the people around me when simply walking down the street as a “guy” can induce depression? Does what anyone thinks make any difference in either case?

No.

It isn’t about anyone but me.

It matters to me and therefore I project onto those around me and doing so serves no good purpose so I need to stop doing it.

I know it isn’t going to be easy, not any more than letting go of the past, but this too can be done.

Now I am going to talk about what makes it seem so ridiculous to me now that I still have these thoughts and feelings of not being completely authentic in simply being myself…

Each of these weekends in which I have spent the entire day as myself; I have been repeatedly greeted with female pronouns and treated as a lady without question.

I’ve lost count of how many times A and I walked into a store to be asked, “How are you ladies doing?” or “How can I help you ladies?”

I think that really should settle matters, don’t you?

Each of these times has been without make up or a wig. Just having pulled my hair back into a ponytail or wearing a hat… (which by the way I have been told is very cute.)

So, just being natural, just being confident in myself and comfortable in my own skin… I have been correctly gendered time and time again. It really is time I got over myself and just be myself.