I have spent quite a bit of time working on this post. Over and over again I thought I had what I wanted to say down in the way I wanted to express myself only to find myself pushing the delete button.
I’m not sure what has made this difficult other than there is so much I wish to talk about my thoughts move faster than my fingers and I lose track of where I am going. Hopefully this time will be the magic time and what I want to say is understandable to anyone outside of my own head…
I have been up and down over the past several weeks. Most days have been pretty hum drum with nothing of note happening. As strange as it might sound, this was actually a problem though it took me a while to see it. I mentioned before I am not a weekend only girl. I need to express myself in someway beyond stealth dressing pretty much every day. To do otherwise is to risk putting myself into the wrong frame of mind.
You see, when I find myself in a mental loop, I tend to find myself hanging onto whatever negative thoughts happen through my head. This has happened more than once with me pondering such things as what am I doing and where do I think I can go? Not being full time equals being a pretender. Then there is the whole, what do people see when they look at me? Do they just see a guy? How could they not… and on and on and on.
I finally reached a point I had to ask myself a question. No self deception, no lies… no bullshit.
Just what does such thoughts do for me? What do I gain by trying to punish myself with these doubts? Then, even if I succeed in putting myself into a bad place, does it really change anything? Just why is the point of all of these thoughts and emotions?
Then I realized the answer was…
There really is no point to all of this. Nothing is going the change just because I insist on hurting myself. I can’t go back and pretend nothing has happened. I am not who I use to be. I have grown and changed in ways I can’t fully explain. The real question here is what about me makes me so certain I don’t deserve to be happy? To be myself? To live the life I know I can live?
Words spoken 30, 40 or more years ago by people who are no longer a part of my life, some not even alive anymore?
I have lived a lifetime beyond those words and yet I have continued to let them have power over me. They have gained me nothing and almost cost me everything.
So it’s time to let them rest in the past where they belong. Easier said than done I know, but it can be done and I will do it. I deserve better.
Here is another part of all of this, remaining in “boy mode” for extended time, regardless of the reason causes me issues. I begin to doubt myself. I question why I feel driven to be this person when all the world refuses to except me…
Then I realized something. For most of my life I have been hyper aware of the people around me, every look, every word spoken. Every laugh, every sneer… anything and everything. All of it I felt directed at me even when common sense says I’m over reacting. I mentioned this to Jodi and she told me it was a self confidence issue. Which makes what has been happening rather remarkable when I stop to think about it…
I have been going out each weekend as myself. As Kira and you know what? I haven’t once thought about what anyone else thinks or says about me. It would be different if someone confronted me of course, but as long as they don’t… then I simply couldn’t care less.
What a difference…
Now I am making the effort each day to set “him” aside and just be myself and it is making a difference. Even those times when I catch myself thinking about the way I walk, the way I talk, my mannerisms… they are passing and cannot affect me the way they use to.
I simply cannot make the emotional connections I use to. Yes these are things I wonder about but they cannot set their hooks into me and drag me down into those deep, dark places.
The thing is; I asked myself something the other day… Why is it I can walk though a crowded store and be unaffected by the people around me when simply walking down the street as a “guy” can induce depression? Does what anyone thinks make any difference in either case?
It isn’t about anyone but me.
It matters to me and therefore I project onto those around me and doing so serves no good purpose so I need to stop doing it.
I know it isn’t going to be easy, not any more than letting go of the past, but this too can be done.
Now I am going to talk about what makes it seem so ridiculous to me now that I still have these thoughts and feelings of not being completely authentic in simply being myself…
Each of these weekends in which I have spent the entire day as myself; I have been repeatedly greeted with female pronouns and treated as a lady without question.
I’ve lost count of how many times A and I walked into a store to be asked, “How are you ladies doing?” or “How can I help you ladies?”
I think that really should settle matters, don’t you?
Each of these times has been without make up or a wig. Just having pulled my hair back into a ponytail or wearing a hat… (which by the way I have been told is very cute.)
So, just being natural, just being confident in myself and comfortable in my own skin… I have been correctly gendered time and time again. It really is time I got over myself and just be myself.