Undeserving Of Redemption

This isnt what I was going to post but as usual I began to overthink things…

There are many things I have to work on besides being trans. What I know, deep down is it won’t matter one bit if I woke up tomorrow as a biological woman, these things will continue to cause me serious issues.

I hope you won’t mind if I share some of them here, maybe putting them into words will help me put things into perspective…

Even beyond my spotty memory, I know deep down my mother made sure I understood how little she thought of me, of how much I complicated her life and how unhappy she was to be reminded daily of the man she felt made a fool of her. I can’t point to too many instances in which she made this clear, though there were several, I do know she conveyed her feelings with a look or tone of voice. 

One thing is sure, I had no doubt I was worthless in her eyes. That anything which made her unhappy was somehow my fault simply by existing. If anything went wrong, I must have had something to do with it. I think this was reinforced by my aunt and later by one of my cousins, not yo mention her friends who I am sure she spoke to at length about how much of a troublesome burden I was… 

Speaking to my therapist I realized how much this affected me, still affects me to this  day.

I still feel as if I am the source for any unhappiness those around me may experience. I am sure if anything goes wrong, it is my fault… as if the emotions of everyone is my responsibility. Far too many times I find myself thinking their lives would be so much better if I wasn’t here… or if I had never been born in the first place…

It isn’t sensible, it isn’t even understandable much of the time, but I cannot shake the feeling it my own selfishness which has lead to so much. If I had been thinking of those around me, instead of my own desires, how many things would I have not done? How much would have been left unsaid? How many people would have never have been hurt? 

My therapist believes everyone has an inherent worth and maybe she’s right… for everyone except me of course, because no matter how logical, I am certain I am worthless and undeserving of redemption.


Dance With the Devil

I’m going to share this before I checked out and delete it… A picture a la natural as it were. 

Kira Naked

This is what I see every day in the mirror, in reflections… how I know the world has seen me for far too long. I decided to take and share this as a reference point as I move forward. Hopefully there will come a day when the proper hormones will course through my body and this image will be nothing more than distant memory.

BTW, my hair is pulled back into a pony tale, today was wet and windy so it was a bit of a mess.

Here She Goes Again…

I’m afraid this post is likely to be a rambling mess for which I apologize.

There has been a lot going on today in my head, which I suppose isnt a surprise to anyone who knows me I went from up to neutral to down as the day progressed which ended after I had a conversation with A this evening. 

I’m sure there are a number of things I can blame my thought processes on but regardless of why I treat myself so badly, in the end I know I am the one who has to take responsibility because it not only affects myself but those around me and trying to play it off isn’t doing anyone any good.

I have been fighting with myself since the very beginning. Constantly insisting I could somehow bottle everything up, toss it in a box, throw it in the deepest hole in my mind and rebury it forever. Of course I knew this was childish, foolish, and pointless but the thoughts and emotions roiling in my head over rode what my heart knew to be true and I tried anyway with disastrous results. Over the past twenty four hours I thought to go down the same path with those same voices telling me I could do it this time… (Then again I also know the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)

Another analogy here would be someone taking medicine for a life threatening condition and once they started to feel better deciding they no longer needed to continue taking it. You see, those wonderful thoughts and emotions started working overtime once I had experienced one day which was better. I had thoughts of, “If I feel better now, and I’m not trying to be (her)… well then, I should be able to continue to do so as long as I take any questions, doubts, fears, anxiety or depression and just push it into that little box and kicked some dirt over it.

I told myself I could also set aside anything dealing with being transgender. To just stop thinking about it, to clear my mind every time those thoughts and feeling raised their heads. I could do a through house cleaning, both literally and figuratively and just start over with a clean slate.

This also included crushing any memories from my past, especially from my childhood.

(Yes, I know this sounds even more insane than any of my other ramblings but it really has been part of my internal dialogue.)

I’m not sure why I decided to say anything to A about any of this, (other than the fact I have never been able to keep my big mouth shut,) In fact I told myself many times to just keep my decision to myself. I felt if I said nothing then no one would have a reason to worry about me… (yeah, another genius thought…) In the end I did say something and it started a conversation which proved to me this wasn’t what I should be trying to do. Instead of not hurting others, it would only make things worse.

Refusing to simply be myself was creating a lot of stress in everyone. I was unpredictable and unstable. I was also a danger to myself, enough so my therapist has been seriously pushing for me to commit myself for my own safety, (though right or wrong I have felt it wasn’t the right thing for me to do). She pointed out I have had the means and a plan to either hurt or kill myself for sometime and all it would take is one step in the wrong direction to act.

She’s right… I have been a danger to myself for more years than I care to claim. I have made plans, researched methods, thought long and hard as to the time and place but never put any of into action. Part of the reason I have mentioned before, having something, no matter how small or seemingly pointless, planned within the next twenty four hours. A chore, some responsibility, even writing a simple blog post… has kept me going, one day at a time. Maybe doing this small thing to keep myself alive says I’m not really ready to die, I can’t say for certain. Death has been a close companion for far too long.

The thing is, I hope by truly surrendering to the truth of who I am I can not only find peace with myself but a true reason to want to live.

I guess we’ll see, won’t we?

Lost in Thought

Here we are again. A new post just when I decided to stop posting anything personal. Well, Ive been told more than once I cant keep my big mouth shut…

The truth is, things have been difficult for months now, enough for everything to overwhelm me and lead me to think it was time to shut down. To rebuild the walls and seal myself away from the world. Part of this thought process included letting this blog die a natural death You see, making myself post every day has been one of the ways I have given myself a responsibility which gives me a reason to hold on just one more day. Much the same as having family responsibilities, getting the kids off to school, to work… getting homework done… all small things I know, but they also give me a small piece of responsibility I cling to so desperately. They are the rope I have tied my knot in and so many days I am holding on with all of my strength.

However, there are days when even these are little more than fraying strands I could break with a thought.

Days when the depression is an endless tidal wave stretching from earth to sky, east to west, so the whole world seems to rising up to crush me. Times when anxiety is a soul devouring monster trapped in my chest, threatening to tear me apart to escape. Hours when I have no focus, direction, or motivation beyond simple breathing and even that takes every ounce of energy I can muster.

All of this is above and beyond any questions about my identity, yet they are also intricately interlinked. 

Yesterday I was sitting alone when a thought came to me, deep, heart wrenching, and so true I knew it came from the depths of my soul…

(Kira) “I should step back into the shadows, return to the place I was before. Forcing myself into the sunlight was a mistake, selfish and short sighted. I have done too much damage, caused so much pain… 

This was never what I wanted.

I cannot help but think it would be best to allow him to rise once again… it was his life after all. 

Maybe in that way I can be allowed to fade away, to rest in some forgotten corner of the past where I might find my own peace at last.”

*    *    *    *

I’m sorry the finish is so abrupt but I can’t continue now. I need more time to work through all the other things I need to say…

Night Thoughts

I have reached a point where I wish it was possible to rebuild the walls around my soul. I wish to once again be able to bury my thoughts behind stone and steel…

Following a suicide attempt, a doctor told me I should start talking and not stop. I needed to let everything out and not bottle it up until it explodes Sounds like reasonable advice… At least I thought so for a long time, but now I am no longer so sure… 

When I stop and look around me, really look and listen, all I find is the hurt I am causing, especially for those I love. Being honest about my thoughts and feeling is more like throwing hand grenades in every direction and I am beyond disgusted with myself and my selfishness. For a long time I felt it was better to keep the insanity trapped within, to accept the pain so others would not suffer for my existence. It doesn’t matter how much doing so costs me, I have dealt with the pain my entire life and I can do so again.

So what has brought this on now?

Questioning if I should continue to pursue transitioning or if I should have begun at all.

There are many things I can point to which have made me question myself, my face, my body. the way I think, the way I act, the way I talk everything However, the most overwhelming is between my waist and knees. This has caused me endless anxiety, unsurmountable doubts, and the certainty I am completely wrong about everything.

How can I think go myself as anything other than what everything and everyone in this world has told me I am? I can put on all the trappings but but I am only exchanging one costume for another and I cannot stand such a thought It isnt who or what I am in the one place it truly counts. Then again, does it even matter at this point? Isnt  it nothing more than an unattainable dream? A wisp of fantasy as substantial as a fleeting dream which dissipates with the rising sun?

I could continue, but I think many I have said too much already.


I’m thinking too much again

Why is it when trying to regain the past, the majority of it is lost in an impenetrable haze broken only by scattered, disjointed memories? Those being ones of regret, shame, and fear which still turn your blood cold in your veins? 

This is one of the things I discussed with my therapist today. Right now I am struggling to find myself; at least who I am now but I lack a way to measure what has or has not changed other than an ethereal impression of who I once was. Even this little bit is important because I know, without really being able to explain, I wasn’t a very pleasant person to be around. I’m sure much of the unpleasant scraps of memory I feel within me are a result of my own actions or words. The problem is, so much is twisted up with the constant chaos I lived with for the majority of my life, which for me was my “normal”. Of course, since I have been on medication, I understand none of my experiences, not one moment of my life, would have been seen as normal by anyone looking in from the outside. Even now I cannot completely grasp what those years were like.

Why those times are important to me is because they play a large part in explaining the anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, (and only God know what else), I am trying to get control over now. They also contain all the times when I acted out and sought to explore my true feelings regarding my gender. Things which kept coming up over and over from the time I was a child. Things which I clearly remember explaining away as just something others did, thought, or explored even when I knew deep down I was lying to myself. Things I kept pushing away, trying to bury deeper and deeper. 

Now sitting here I wonder how intertwined all of these things are. Are depression and anxiety the result of denying my true self, are they from knowing I was doing something wrong, or are they from an entirely different source? I need to understand this because regardless of where I go from here, what name I use, what gender I identify as…

If I cannot conquer these other issues, my life in’t going to change in a positive way.


I’m not in the best of places right now. My thoughts have been taking me down darker paths and while there is a part of me which whispers warnings in the back of my mind, there is also a part of me which welcomes the cold detachment which sends shivers down my spine. I know this is depression, anxiety, and any number of other issues making their presence known but I welcome them when compared to the numbness I feel at other times.

Naturally these don’t happen in a vacuum, my mind is constantly churning, an endless torrent of thoughts and emotions break against my conscience every waking moment. The theme as clear as if they were whispered in my ear. 

Take the easy path… quit fighting… accept what is, what cannot be changed, what will never change…

Sink back below the surface, back into the cold embracing arms of hopelessness and regret.

I’m asking what I am trying to hard to achieve? What could be so important I am consumed by trying to understand my desires every waking moment? Why can’t I just continue living as I did for so long? Maybe more important, why did I ever speak out in the first place? Everything would have been better if I had just kept my damn mouth shut and kept my thoughts and feelings to myself.

Seriously, I can’t see things being much worse than they are now…