Shivers

Saturday was a busy day. Busy enough all I could do was eat a little Dinner and went to bed early.

I started out with therapy, which went well. The nice thing at this point is I am looking past dealing with gender issues and moving on to the other things I need/want to work past. 

As I said, I am in the process of decluttering my life and this really does mean in every way I can. It isn’t just about throwing some things away or straightening out a closet, though those things are part of it. I also need to deal with my emotional baggage which has weighed me down every bit as much as boxes of stuff.

One of the things I told Jodi was I need to work through my resentment and anger for things from the past. In some cases, these things go back more years than I care to think about… a lifetime and more. I need to let them go. In many cases the people aren’t even alive. There will never be a way to get closer, not from them, not as long as I hold on to the memories. All I am doing is giving someone else power in my life. Power they did not earn or deserve. It is time for me to take it back. 

In so many ways this is the same as emptying out an old box. It does me no good just sitting there taking up space for which I can find a better use.

Thankfully so much more is going on than therapy. A and I took time to get out by ourselves. We really need the time alone to decompress from what is more times than not  two week spent inside four walls where it can be difficult to just think, never mind having an adult conversation.

We needed to look for a new recliner, which we didn’t find, but we spent the day going through thrift stores and consignment shops. I wasn’t looking to buy anything for myself today, as I said, I was wanting to find a decent chair as well as clothes for the boys. (Being boys they are hard on clothes when they aren’t outgrowing them at an alarming pace). As it turned out, A had a different idea, so when we happened across a Coach wallet which matches the purse we bought awhile back, she got it… and gave it to me. It was unexpected and a wonderful surprise which I am still smiling about. I’ll post some pictures of them both when I get the chance.

Oh, speaking of being out, we went back to store we were in a few weeks ago which sells a lot of furniture. The sales lady is someone we have dealt with before. When we first started looking we had our backs to her and she asked if she could “help you ladies,” (Sorry, I still get a charge when I’m correctly gendered), the only down side was when we turned to her and she recognized me from our last visit where I had to use my male ID, so she apologized saying she didn’t recognize me. One day this won’t happen as no one will remember me as anyone other than Kira, but for now I understand it and assured her she hadn’t hurt my feelings in the least. Even though it wasn’t entirely the way I would have liked, this was another instance of validation for me. When just being myself is enough to deserve being seen properly more often than not.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I was presenting more as myself with the exception of my hair. It was simply too windy to risk wearing a wig… I really need to invest in some bobby pins… but in any case, I did have my hair in a pony tail to keep it out of my face. Of course wearing a heavy winter coat tends to make everyone look like stuffed sausages, so I know certain tale-tale things weren’t obvious which makes such recognition even better.

 

I’ve done a great deal of talking here and in past posts yet I find words alone are not enough to truly express just how different my life is at this moment. How much it feels as if I mountain has been lifted off my chest. I can breath, for the first time in I don’t remember when. I am able to breathe. More than this, I am able to feel. Sitting here I have tears in my eyes, not from sadness or fear but from simple happiness. I can’t think of the last time i could say such a thing.

I am happy.

Such a simple statement to try and convey so much.

I know for many this isn’t a big deal, nothing to sit and ponder over for hours at a time, yet when you have never had this sort of freedom it is almost overwhelming.

I can see possibility opening up before me. A glimpse of a life I didn’t know until recently even existed.

I suppose I could look back on my life with resentment, after all, there are all of those years which could have been like this. Years which I could think of as having been stolen from me, yet I don’t. I can’t. Such things seem a waste of time and energy which could be better spent elsewhere and so I am enjoying the moment as brief as it may be.

The realization I can do this is enough to send shivers running down my spine… in a good way. 🙂

 

Simplicity

After many years of being a mess; psychologically, emotionally, and in pretty much every aspect of my life, it is time to make a change.

 

I have spoken before of wanting to declutter. My first thought was of my physical space. I have piles and piles of things. Much of which I haven’t so much as looked at in over a year, in some cases more than ten years. When I was so deeply in my head I couldn’t keep track of anything else, keeping things was a way for me to have a feeling of control even though it was just an illusion.

Now I am getting my mental house in order, at least as much as anyone really does. Thanks to therapy, medication, and a lot of hard work, I have reached a point I never thought to see. One at which I can actually exert control over my life and in doing so I find I no longer need things. Oh, there are items I will keep, items which have a meaning to me, which touch me in some way other than just physically. At the same time there is a great deal which is doing nothing but taking up space, weighing me down, and just making life a pain when I don’t really need it.

A nice change for me is knowing I can approach this with a plan, which is one of the rare areas of life where such things actually survive the first meeting with the enemy.

I know it is cliche’, but I really am starting with the KISS principle. 

Keep It Simple, Stupid.

I have already begun the first phase, which is to take on small space, one box, one tote, one whatever is sitting there and going through it.

The first thing i do is get rid of obvious trash. Old papers, packaging for things long gone. Then I go through it again. When was the last time I even saw this? Have I used it or thought about it in the past decade? The last year? How about the past month? If I can’t remember when I last needed something, then it goes into a pile… err, trash bag, and I move on to the next thing. Over and over until the space is clear, the box or tote empty. If there are things I’m not sure about, I don’t over think it, I set it aside along with anything I know I have reason to keep. I will go through everything again once I have the majority sorted through.

For now my main goal is to throw out the obvious trash, broken items, papers of various types, often for thing I no longer own for one reason or another. Doing this I have removed two trash cans worth of stuff and I’ve barely gotten started. 

But this is the important part. To keep things smile and small. I won’t allow myself to be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of sorting I need to do. In some cases it has taken me a lifetime to squirrel away so much stuff and I’m not going to clear it out in a day, so why stress out trying?

Of course, along with this I need to unlearn many bad habits. I need to put controls in place and abide by them. I can see how easy it would be to fall back into the behaviors which brought me to this point and I don’t want that life anymore.

So, a new beginning in more ways than one.

And I can smile about it, 🙂

Change

This is a post I should have written on the first; a new year, a new beginning but I wasn’t ready then. I had to reach a place where I have the time to take stock of myself. Where I have been, where I am, where I would like to go.

Taking things backward, I really can’t see where I am heading just yet. It isn’t time for me to do so. I know as time passes I will gain a better perspective of what I need to do to move forward. There is no need to push things.

As for where I am; I have reached a place where, mentally and emotionally, I have cleared away much of garbage and waste of the past. I am ready to start over fresh in many ways, to start not with a clean slate, but one which has been reorganized into something useful for who I am now. There is no erasing the past, only putting things into perspective. Yes, there were bad things which happened, but those were a lifetime ago and it is time to leave them behind. There were good things too. Things which built the foundation upon which to build a future. There are lessons learned, understanding gained, and memories collected which have enriched my life beyond anything I could have imagined. There are new people and new opportunities.

Now is the time to truly open my eyes and see the world around me, not through the damaged reflections of the past but through the clean glass of understanding.

To reflect my new outlook I have updated the look of my blog and I am going to do my best to become a better writer and bring better content. I’m sure I am going to fall short from time to time. Find myself slipping into bad habits and riding the emotional roller coaster which has brought be this far. I am many things, but first and foremost I am human and therefore not perfect.

As I have said many times, I am a work in progress. 

Brenda Schmitz’s Christmas Wish

Tissue Alert!

If you don’t have a tear in your eye after seeing this…

 

Dead woman’s wish granted to husband, family (Video)

A woman dying of ovarian cancer planned and left a gift for her loving husband and children that they received two years after she died.

You can read the story Here

Watch below

 

Questioning

Questioning dog

 

No, I am not questioning myself here, more I seeking my place within the TG/TS framework both online and off.

Where I live isn’t a hot bed of activism and social decent. For the most part people here only relate to what they have seen or heard on the news or opinion radio so you can imagine some of the conversations I have overheard. I’m not an eavesdropper but some of these people are like the annoying guy in the restaurant who thinks everyone should listen to his side of the conversation. 

Anyway, the point is, there isn’t a network of people and organizations I can look up to find others like myself or any LGBT folk in general. At least none who I would be comfortable striking up a conversation with. There aren’t any PFLAG offices or other services aimed at the trans community. After doing some research I found there was a short time when such individuals and groups existed locally, but the last traces of them faded out in 2009. 

There was another group nearby, about a half hour drive, but they also have disbanded due to lack of participation. As Jodi pointed out, it’s a good sign when a group disbands because it is no longer needed, but it can problematic for those like myself who are a little late getting to the party.

It has be suggested trying to form a new support group locally. Jodi has mentioned it more than once and I am in full support of her efforts. What I’m not sure of is where I would fit in. I’m not a very good organizer, and pubic speaking, while not impossible, is difficult especially when I’m not familiar with the audience.

I am more than willing to speak to others about my own experiences and to offer what support I can. I’m certainly not an expert, but I can certainly empathize with what others are facing. 

While I feel doing things here, in person is important, indeed, vitally needed, through the internet my reach is much further. As important as sharing my own personal story is, I feel there is so much more I can do…

I’m just not sure what it may be or even how to start moving in the direction I need to in order to make any sort of meaningful impact in the lives of my brothers and sisters.

Worth

Nothing worth having is easy or free.

 

After this past week I know I have a long struggle ahead. Not with transitioning, though doing so won’t be easy, not with adjusting to a life which is closer to the same normal other people experience.

No, this struggle is within. It is against decades of accepted behavior. Against thoughts, emotions, and a way of thinking which has done me an untold amount of harm over a lifetime.

It is something which I was taught as a child, often in ways I did not even realize, with a look, a frown, even a sigh.It was taught at school, at church, and at home.

It was the lesson I was worthless.

The lesson I didn’t deserve happiness.

Or love.

It was the lesson I was only good for one thing and was to sacrifice myself for those who felt I owned them a debt. 

The debt of life.

Of being born.

Of being fed, clothed, provided with shelter, being educated.

The debt of all the years my very presence robbed others of their happiness and freedoms. Of demanding by my very existence they take responsibility not only for themselves but for me. 

… How many times have I discussed this issue since I began this blog? I’m not sure, but more than once. 

I have struggled with it since I was a child. For as long as I can remember it has been there, and insidious whisper at the back of my thoughts. It is a thief, a mugger, a robber in the night. It has stolen so much from me and it continues today as strongly has it ever has.

Now I am at a place where I find happiness and feeling at ease with myself is within my grasp. All I need do is reach out and take it, yet my arm grows weary with the weight of fear and doubt. This is why I have had such a difficult time these last few days. Why I have written the things I have, had the emotions, doubts, and fears which have threatened to overwhelm me.

I have had to stop and gather the strength to scream against this darkness; 

“NO!”

No…

It is wrong. Has always been wrong. It was never mine to claim, it was placed in my hands by others. Yet I took it up, like a undeniable responsibility. A weight I couldn’t release no matter how much I wanted to do so.

Now I find I have to drop it behind me. To walk away and not look back. To speak to myself saying, 

I Am.

I Am Worthy.

I Am Deserving.

I Am Good Enough.

Every single day this is my mantra.

This is my prayer.

It is my promise.

It is my defiance.

It is my scream in the face of darkness.

I AM

I AM

I Always Have Been.

I Always Will Be.

WORTH IT.

Transgender Teen Named Homecoming Queen in Huntington Beach

Transgender hc queen

A transgender teen made history at Marina High School in Huntington Beach Friday night when she was named homecoming queen.

Read the complete story here.

Reflections

Symbols transgender symbol4

 

I wonder, how many people look at themselves in the mirror? I mean really look, deep down below the superficial blotches and imperfections, look into the eyes reflected and try to see what is hidden beneath.
Somehow I doubt there are very many. For most people what they see in reflection is what they expect to see, what they have seen for as long as they can remember and though there may be things they do not like or would change given the chance, still they are not surprised or overly upset by what they find there waiting for them.
The same cannot be said for everyone, not for those like myself who find in the mirror a lie. A mockery.
I know there are people who cannot imagine being anything other than they are. For whom all the pieces, while not perfect, are relatively in line. In other words, they know themselves to be either male or female, their bodies are clearly one or the other and they have all the expected bits and pieces where they are expected to be.
This is separate from who a person may find themselves sexually attracted to, being heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or even asexual. No, this is about ones sense of self and what they know about who and what they are.
Our culture has long had a habit of taking the complicated and trying to make it simple or making the simple complicated. In this case, in an effort to explain what so many take for granted, several different concepts and realities have been mixed together into one confusing concept of Gender, Sex, and biology and lumped them together into two categories; male and female.
For the majority of the population this seems obvious. For them there is no confusion as to what they are or where they fit into society. They are male, they see themselves as male, they exhibit atypical male physical and mental traits, and they possess a male reproductive system. They are female. They see themselves as female, exhibit atypical female physical and mental traits, and they possess a female reproductive system.
Seeing themselves in the mirror or in the shower presents no issues for them because what the see is what having all these things in alignment allows them to see.
Again, the same cannot be said of everyone.
There those who live in the shadow of a gender normative world, for whom such basic assumptions cannot be made. They have been a part of humanity since before recorded history and they are still here today. Unfortunately, societies, especially Western/European societies have long since turned their backs on such realities.
We have been known by many names, been seen as a blessing and a curse. Raised to the pinnacle of public acclaim and been discarded, dismissed, and forgotten.
We are of the Two-Spirits, kathoey, hijra, and many more. Scattered across the globe, crossing nationalities, ethnicities, and religions.
We are your neighbors and coworkers.
We are your brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, mothers and fathers.
But more than any of these things…
We Are Human.
We shed the same tears. Our blood spills as easily as yours. We laugh and cry. We love and hate. He share all the same passions and desires as any other human being.
We Are Not Animals.
We are not freaks.
We are not an amusement.
We not objects to be ridiculed or despised.
We Are Human,
And we deserve to be treated as such.