An FIL Update and Some Additional Thoughts

First, an update on my FIL. He is now resting at home, I’m not sure what care he is currently receiving, but I do know his doctor is waiting on the lab results before advising any treatment plans, if any. At this point he has about a month or so… It’s just a waiting game now.

As I get more information, I will post updates.

 

On another front…

Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are already so far on your path, the only option is to see it through to the end? Well, I had such a moment this morning. I had to go for a scheduled physical for work. I did so as male because all of my information was last updated before I came out. This means everything had my birth name all over it and the health information was in the male section of the questionnaire. 

First of all, I received more than a few, this isn’t correct looks from the female staff, though no one said anything directly. Then the male doctor who was overseeing the physical part of the test, lifting, turning, climbing, ext. referred to me as ‘Mam’, ‘Lady’, and ‘woman’ even after reading all of my information.

I found this rather amusing and a sign I am on this path for good or ill. There really is no turning back.

Yesterdays post was something I needed to write. I had to get all of the doubts and fears out where I could see them and confront them. I had to be able to admit to myself I am not an island, not a rock which can stand alone against the storms life sends my way. I cannot hold all these things within myself… I am many things, an unfeeling machine is not one of them.

After saying all the things I did, sharing thoughts and emotions which have been churning in my heart, I felt a sense of relief. Not for no longer thinking or feeling what I did, but having been able to share the weight with those who can understand or at least are empathetic.

To then have the experience I did today, without any thought or prompting from me, it really brought things into focus in a way I didn’t realize I needed.

I have a long way to go and many challenges yet to face. There will be times when I stumble and fall, when my strength and determination fail me, yet I also know I can get back up and continue on… even when things seem impossible and I have all of you to thank for that.

In Response

For some reason WordPress isn’t allowing me to access my Notifications through any of my browsers, (Chrome, Safari). I can still answer short comments via my phone but detail responses are difficult.

So, because I felt it was important to respond to one comment in particular, I am doing so here instead, I hope Robin doesn’t mind.

Let me copy her comment here and then I will respond below.

“I found that while I had to wait, going to a gender therapist to confirm what I knew in my heart was very affirming and helped a little. Daily application of moisturizer and shaving almost all of my body hair helped, too. Sometimes, since I had to work in “boy mode”, wearing something feminine underneath (bra, panties, maybe a chemise) helped… all stuff that no one noticed (despite my fear it would be glaringly obvious).

I also recommend you start shopping for wardrobe *now*. Shoes, coats, gloves, scarves, hats, skirts, blouses… all of it. You will need an obscene amount of clothing when you do go full time… and buying pretty things (even if you’re on a thrift store budget like I am) can help.

Also, remember you are on a process… it won’t happen overnight, but little by little you will get there. *hug*”

 

Robin,

I am currently in therapy, though not with a GS. Unfortunately the nearest ones are in Chicago which is a three hour drive.Still my therapist, Jodi, has been a tremendous help for me in working through many issues and I am thankful to her for her support.

As for my “stealth” presentation… Mostly this is an issue when it comes to work. I am not conformable with the idea of coming out to my employer or coworkers and I have to admit I might never be. So I will continue to present as male there for the foreseeable future, though I admit this might have to change at some point.

Because of this, I do some similar things to yourself; using moisturizer, body shaving, using Secret instead of men’s Speed Stick, I have also let my hair and nails grow out, wear a pony tail and clear nail strengthener in place of polish. All of these things do help, though it often the use of my birth name and male pronouns which cause the most problems.

On the issue of dressing; for work I have found there is little difference between what I use to wear and what I do now. In fact, no one has really noticed the slight changes I have made which are more about being comfortable rather than obviously feminine. T-shirts, sweat shirts, jeans. All of this is pretty gender neutral outside of sizes and fabrics and who looks so close anyway?

Away from work is a different story and here I have to say my dysphoria is more about my internal dialogue than it is about other’s reactions.

I have breast “enhancers”, silicone shapers, which give me the correct shape. I wear pretty much women’s clothing exclusively although I do often wear those same T-shirts, sweat shirts, and jeans as I do to work depending on my mood and how lazy I feel. 

 I really do have a decent wardrobe at this point, tops, pants, black and blue jeans, mock necks, turtle necks, sweaters, cardigans, pullovers, some button up blouses, three quarter and full sleeves. I happen to have some tattoos). I also have a decent collection of shoes and boots including flats and heels, sneakers and even a pair of furry house boots.

I also have acquired some jewelry, a necklace, a bracelet, and ring which I often wear regardless of how I want people to see me.

In addition I also have a Winter coat and a leather jacket for Spring and Fall. I have several scarves, though I want to get more and two purses, one with matching wallet.

I also have two wigs, though how often and where I wear them is a point of contention with my partner. If you look through my posts or “About” page you can see me with them on.

99% of my shopping is through thrift store, consignment shops, and garage sales. As I like to say, I have champaign taste on a beer pocketbook!

If I buy anything new it is only when there is a great sale.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, much of my current problems are internal. It is the way I project my fears and expectations onto those around me and not the way I have been spoken to or treated. In fact, as time passes I find I am greeted with female pronouns and generally treated as a woman more often than not. Those time when I am not, it is because I have had to use my birth name or am presenting androgynously enough the other person isn’t sure how to address me.

The fact I am so often aware of those things which I feel mark me as “different” is more on me than anyone, after all, I am the most aware of those things being an issue, most people don’t even notice. This is true of my voice which is a major sticking point to me. I have been told time and again it is more than passing, yet to me it is completely wrong… I don’t know what I think it should be, but it isn’t what I hear. 

As for the other part… well, there are ways of reducing how noticeable such things are and I am looking into those. Thankfully they aren’t overly expensive as such things go and I plan to have something before Summer arrives.

 

Let me add something here… In the end it doesn’t matter what I do, what procedures I have done, what training I engage in; there is only so far I can go in transition.

There will be a point beyond which I cannot pass, after all, my past is what it is and cannot be changed. Also there is basic biological differences between what I can achieve and what I would have been born with… bone structure, nerve endings, skin texture, hair texture… there is quite a list of what will always set me apart from my sisters. The thing is, only I can come to terms with such things. Only I can become fully comfortable in my own skin. There is no magic pill for it. I have to do it for myself and this is what I am struggling with at the moment. 

Yet you know something?

Right now, with all of the ups and downs, doubts and fears… I feel more complete and at peace with myself than I have err felt in my life.

I can look in the mirror, see who is there and smile because, makeup or no, hair or no, half asleep or wide awake, it is me there and she is a beautiful person.

Today :P

Well, Ive had better days than today…

 

Two sick kids, a pounding headache, and getting my fingers caught in a door pretty much sum thing up.

Thankfully, the kids are doing better than yesterday, mostly bad coughs and drainage. My headache is mostly due to sinus pressure and my fingers, while very sore are just bruised and not broken. 

So even though there have been times when I just wanted to crawl back into bed and pet end today didn’t happen, I can see how things could have been worse and I should count my blessings… which I am doing!

I’m not sure if I will post anything later or not, even this little bit of typing makes my fingers sting, but I will have more to write about later in the day, (Saturday).

So I hope everyone is safe and sound at home, keeping warm or cool as required, and that you all have a wonderful evening.

 

Kira

FIL Update 2

The latest is he is back in his room, still in ICU, but resting. The latest surgery went well and it seems the infection hasn’t spread as deeply as they feared. He’s not out of the woods by any means, but things are looking more promising. They plan another surgery for Saturday hopefully it will be the last one needed, we’ll have to wait and see.

I would like to thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers, they have been greatly appreciated and I know they have eased my own worries. 

I will keep you updated as I get more information.

 

With gratitude,

Kira

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 24,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.