A New Favorite

I imagine plenty of other people already know about Chi Latte, but I just tried some this week and I love it.

Chai Latte

 

From Starbucks website:

The warm, aromatic flavors of chai tea have their roots in the ancient Ayurvedic tradition of India, where roadside tea merchants can be found preparing black tea with traditional healing spices like cardamom, cinnamon and black pepper. Featuring ingredients gathered from around the globe, our version of this beloved beverage is wonderfully sweet and spicy – and every bit as soothing.

Shivers

Saturday was a busy day. Busy enough all I could do was eat a little Dinner and went to bed early.

I started out with therapy, which went well. The nice thing at this point is I am looking past dealing with gender issues and moving on to the other things I need/want to work past. 

As I said, I am in the process of decluttering my life and this really does mean in every way I can. It isn’t just about throwing some things away or straightening out a closet, though those things are part of it. I also need to deal with my emotional baggage which has weighed me down every bit as much as boxes of stuff.

One of the things I told Jodi was I need to work through my resentment and anger for things from the past. In some cases, these things go back more years than I care to think about… a lifetime and more. I need to let them go. In many cases the people aren’t even alive. There will never be a way to get closer, not from them, not as long as I hold on to the memories. All I am doing is giving someone else power in my life. Power they did not earn or deserve. It is time for me to take it back. 

In so many ways this is the same as emptying out an old box. It does me no good just sitting there taking up space for which I can find a better use.

Thankfully so much more is going on than therapy. A and I took time to get out by ourselves. We really need the time alone to decompress from what is more times than not  two week spent inside four walls where it can be difficult to just think, never mind having an adult conversation.

We needed to look for a new recliner, which we didn’t find, but we spent the day going through thrift stores and consignment shops. I wasn’t looking to buy anything for myself today, as I said, I was wanting to find a decent chair as well as clothes for the boys. (Being boys they are hard on clothes when they aren’t outgrowing them at an alarming pace). As it turned out, A had a different idea, so when we happened across a Coach wallet which matches the purse we bought awhile back, she got it… and gave it to me. It was unexpected and a wonderful surprise which I am still smiling about. I’ll post some pictures of them both when I get the chance.

Oh, speaking of being out, we went back to store we were in a few weeks ago which sells a lot of furniture. The sales lady is someone we have dealt with before. When we first started looking we had our backs to her and she asked if she could “help you ladies,” (Sorry, I still get a charge when I’m correctly gendered), the only down side was when we turned to her and she recognized me from our last visit where I had to use my male ID, so she apologized saying she didn’t recognize me. One day this won’t happen as no one will remember me as anyone other than Kira, but for now I understand it and assured her she hadn’t hurt my feelings in the least. Even though it wasn’t entirely the way I would have liked, this was another instance of validation for me. When just being myself is enough to deserve being seen properly more often than not.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I was presenting more as myself with the exception of my hair. It was simply too windy to risk wearing a wig… I really need to invest in some bobby pins… but in any case, I did have my hair in a pony tail to keep it out of my face. Of course wearing a heavy winter coat tends to make everyone look like stuffed sausages, so I know certain tale-tale things weren’t obvious which makes such recognition even better.

 

I’ve done a great deal of talking here and in past posts yet I find words alone are not enough to truly express just how different my life is at this moment. How much it feels as if I mountain has been lifted off my chest. I can breath, for the first time in I don’t remember when. I am able to breathe. More than this, I am able to feel. Sitting here I have tears in my eyes, not from sadness or fear but from simple happiness. I can’t think of the last time i could say such a thing.

I am happy.

Such a simple statement to try and convey so much.

I know for many this isn’t a big deal, nothing to sit and ponder over for hours at a time, yet when you have never had this sort of freedom it is almost overwhelming.

I can see possibility opening up before me. A glimpse of a life I didn’t know until recently even existed.

I suppose I could look back on my life with resentment, after all, there are all of those years which could have been like this. Years which I could think of as having been stolen from me, yet I don’t. I can’t. Such things seem a waste of time and energy which could be better spent elsewhere and so I am enjoying the moment as brief as it may be.

The realization I can do this is enough to send shivers running down my spine… in a good way. 🙂

 

A Long Day

It’s been a long day which is a good thing.

Started off this morning with a call from Jodi, seems we got our signals crossed and she didn’t realize I didn’t know I was suppose to have a session scheduled for today. Things ended well though, she asked to meet me at Stake & Shake, which if you don’t know is a sit down semi-fast food place. She asked me to come wearing my hair, which I did. We spent about half an hour or so just talking over coffee. The main reason for meeting there was she wanted to see how I felt being in public and you know what? I was completely comfortable. One thing I am learning is not to think too much about things and just be myself. Do this and no one seems to give me a second thought… it’s a very nice feeling. Jodi even commented on the fact I seemed to be at ease which is a good thing. We also talked about my down turn over the past couple of days and she advised I should expect to go through cycles like this, at least for the forseeable future and noted I seem to have worked through it properly, which makes me feel better.

Speaking of which, I am doing better in case you can’t tell. 😉

After our meeting I picked up A and we went out and finished our Christmas shopping for the kids. We also stopped and got lunch and later dinner, all with me as myself. I point this out because it’s important to note A still isn’t 100% comfortable with me presenting female in public but I understand her reasons. For one, she is getting use to seeing me this way outside of the house but more, she is worried for me with how people will react to me. She doesn’t want to see me accosted verbally or embarrassed in any way, and I assured her knowing this means a great deal to me. I know all too well she could have walked away more than once, yet she has remained by my side and it is something I can never repay her for.

During the day, we picked up lunch at Jersey Mike’s where I was able to tell them my name is Kira without a second thought when asked and the person taking my order didn’t bat an eye.

We went to Big Lots (a discount store), Wal-Mart, Aldi’s (discount groceries), Toys-R-Us, and Costco. Everything went better than I could have hoped, not a single hiccup with the exception of Costco when we both forgot to have A use her card, using mine instead as was asked if “He” was with us to which we both replied “kinda, sorta”. To her credit, the cashier didn’t miss a beat nor said another word. 

All and all it was a one of the most relaxing, stress free days I’ve had in as long as I can remember. 

(I know this going to sound strange, but I do feel somewhat guilty for how good I’m feeling right now. It’s mostly due to knowing this is something which bothers A. I don’t like the thought my happiness comes at someone else’s expense. I know this is something I am going to need to work through, it will just take some time.)

Following the Spark

I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything personal for the past several days, honestly, it’s because there really hasn’t been anything of interest happening. For me this is a good thing, though it takes some getting use to, but makes for some boring reading which is why I have been trying to find news and information which I think others might want to know. This isn’t to say my mind has been blank, quite the opposite, but I’ve mostly been listening to the quiet… To many this might seem strange, yet for me it is still a new sensation, this lack of chaotic emotions and thoughts, this feeling of being a peace in my own skin more than not. To being able to look in the mirror and see something there I like enough to smile about.

I’m not anywhere near where I would like to be of course, only waking up to find myself as the woman I so often see in my dreams would put me there and we know this some fantasy world where all of a princesses dreams come true before the last page is turned. I have a long list of things to work on ahead of me, yet I feel I am one step closer than I have ever been before.

There is also the issue of not living this life alone. I have to take the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of other into consideration. Last weekend A just wasn’t able to see me wearing my hair. She was fine with everything else, just not this one little thing. It might be because I have been correctly gendered even when I’m not thinking about it, doing this for her really didn’t bother me as much as it would have just a short time ago. Well, I did feel a little off but I know is was more about what I would have iced to have done to feel just a little more comfortable and not about how anyone else sees me. See? I still have some things to overcome.. 🙂

In any case, I think this is the happiest I have been in, oh, I don’t know… forever? The simplest things can bring a smile or those strange little critters… tears of happiness. Something I never thought I would experience.

Do you remember when I spoke of the times I sat alone in a motel room wondering if I could simply walk out the door and be accepted for myself?

I think the question has been answered… it just took a little longer than I expected.

More than anything, it took reaching a point where moving forward was less painful than living with the fear…

Fear, what a terrible thing… a vicious beast which can eat you alive and leave nothing but a shell behind… As much as all of my thoughts, hope, and dreams; the prayers, wishes, and tears have defined so much of mu life, there has also been the fear. The fear of failure, of success. Of stepping beyond the boundaries to find who I really am. Of following my heart and doing what I know, with every fiber of my being what is best for me even if it goes against what everyone else wants. 

You know, there is a saying; when you have surrendered once, the second time is easier and so is every time afterwards.

It’s true, even if the first time was so long ago you no longer remember it. It’s begins a pattern of behavior which is difficult, not impossible, but difficult to break even after you realize what your doing.

There is another saying; strength is what your left with when there is no other choice.

I have found the truth of this, when all else has been stripped away and I have been left with no choice beyond to live or die, I have found the strength to live… maybe for just one more day, but I did it. Now one day has piled one atop the other and I find nearly two years have flowed past. 

I am somewhere I never believed existed, experiencing things I never thought possible and slowly… oh so slowly, I am beginning to look a little further, to seek out not what was, but what might yet be.

To find within myself the spark of hope.