Family Thanksgiving

The family get together for Thanksgiving… It’s a little more special since A’s brother and his family are able to be here this year. He’s in Army and was in Afghanistan  this time last last year.

As I write this, we are still waiting for for them and her sister’s family to arrive. We are certainly going to have a full house; eight adults and eight children.

The good news for me is I am in a better place now than I have been for the past week. Yes, I am technically in “him”mode, but only so far as not wearing my hair and expecting to hear many male pronouns. As I said, I am not out to the majority of her family, only her sister knows at this point but this may be the last year “he” will be around for the holidays…

It is this last which has been difficult for me. I am at another one of those “point of no return” places in this strange journey and as I think I have said before, this scares me to no end. From here forward, I don’t know what the future looks like or where I am going to go. Every step is a matter of hoping it will lead me to solid ground and not over a cliff.

Beyond this is how much I fear what this will mean for all of us… A, me, the kids… I so often feel as if I have caused too much damage already… done too many things, been too selfish… maybe more than anything I feel as if I have disappointed all those around me. A deserves a husband, the kids deserve a father… and I have never really been either of those things no matter how much I have tried.

It doesn’t help to know my struggling with these feelings as be obvious to A, and I assume, the kids. I was informed I have been moody, which I think was a polite way of saying “bitch.” The sad part is I can still convince myself I am hiding things well, or at least better than I use to, but as this shows, I was wrong.

I did sit down with A and discuss this and the fact I have tried to be in “boy” mode for the past several days hoping it would make today easier and I don’t think she was very pleased… as she has said more than once, I become “difficult” when ever I have tried this no matter what the reason. At this point I don’t think it’s even worth the effort.

So now I have stepped over a line. Yes, it is a line in my own head, but it is there is none the less. No, I’m not dressed out at the moment, at least not outwardly, but inside I might as well be.

I showed my brother and sister-in-law the pictures from Halloween. Interestingly enough, I found out A had posted pictures which they have seen, though I doubt they have connected the dots just yet… I’m still debating on how much I am going to tell them for now.

Still, I found it interesting he told me my pictures were scary because he knows women who look like I did. My sister-in-law simply pointed out she liked me as a blonde better than the darker hair I wore for the Halloween before.

The hard thing, sitting here, it feels as if I’m harboring a deep, dark secret just by not being complete open and honest with them… It is a very real weight on my heart and as happy as I should be, I want to cry…

As one last note, A said she wants to talk with her brother before I say anything, so I’ll just have to wait to see what happens.




Looking Forward Through The Week

I’m not sure what to think of this week. On one hand it’s a short week, which is good; on the other Thursday is a family holiday which will be spent with A’s family. I’m not complaining, at least we don’t have to deal with my side of the family, which was stressful for the few years we tried. Have I ever mentioned I’m the black sheep of my mother’s side? Yes, well, it’s a long, long story…

Anyway, the main thing for me is only one person on her side knows about me, to everyone else I’m still him… yecch.. So I get to spend a whole day being “one of the boys.” Can you tell how overjoyed I am?

Ok, enough of being a smart aleck… 

I’m rather nervous about this year, I really would like for it to be enjoyable and so I don’t want to find myself sinking into a depressed funk. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but I’ll figure out something.

Speaking of being out… I keep thinking about going out on the weekend to shop or just go around town or whatever and it keeps turning my stomach into knots… Not just this weekend, any weekend… It’s a combination of excitement and dread. 

I know A isn’t comfortable with the idea, but she’s being supportive none the less. She didn’t even say anything when I went to therapy wearing my wig… though the boys made an over exuberant show of dismay until they couldn’t keep a straight face… still, I can’t imagine the reaction if I went to the in-laws en femme and I don’t plan to find out… not this year anyway.

And maybe this is the real crux of my problem… I know this is going to happen sooner than later. I’m just holding off the inevitable, but I just can’t say I’m ready face A’s parents as myself yet.

Too much self doubt, too much fear.

Of course the thought of being out and about in broad daylight is pretty scary too, but odds are I’m not going to meet anyone I know or if I do, they will act like they don’t know me which is almost as good from my point of view.

I have to break this cycle of fear I’ve been living in. As I said, I don’t know 99.9% of the people I will walk past. They have no impact on my life beyond what I allow them to have.

I just have to remind myself of this fact.

Maybe most important of all… I want this. I want to live my life as myself and not as anyone else thinks I should be. I’ve gone that route as far as I can and I can’t go back… not and keep my sanity.

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day here in the US. Despite all the pointless hoopla of sales and having an extra day off, there is a very real and lasting reason to take a moment and remember why we have such a day in the first place…

So, to all of those who have had loved ones, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, fathers and mothers who answered our nations call but never returned, I want to say I remember, I will not forget, and though I may not know all the names, they are forever etched in my heart.

To those who gave the ultimate sacrifice, I know you cannot hear me now, but still I will say “Thank You.”

A wonderful Day

I have to say this was a good Thanksgiving, got to spend with A’s family including some we haven’t seen since Summer.
This year has been different in other ways of course. I’m not the same and I can see how this is a good thing. Though I had to be in “guy mode” as much as I can, I am so much more open and relaxed. I found this time truly enjoyable, unlike years past. But I’m not going to dwell on that, it just isn’t worth it.
After this experience, I’m looking forward to Christmas. I can’t imagine how much better it is going to be.